New to Forum: Adult daughter with BPD

[Artsy Mom]

I have a 29 year old daughter who is married. Her childhood was complicated with much trauma and some illness, and she started early with therapy and a psychiatrist for what they diagnosed as Anxiety, ADHD (Although never treated for it), and around age12 Bipolar. She was in therapy, on every kind of med, homeschooled often, did earn her GED. She has worked off/on her adult life. Not all her - we did the best we could with what we knew and where we were at in our own journey. She will not discuss her physical/mental health issues, but recently said she was diagnosed with BPD. We have read several books and reseached online trying to find what that means and how to be supportive to her. She seems to have much shame and at times denial. She and her husband live in a van, little income, she says they are doing the best they can. I do not know that she is getting treatment - if I ask casually or encourage about therapy available, she either does not text back or says she doesn't want me to ask about it. We have tried to get her help, my husband and I both have gone to therapy and we are worn out from the struggles through the years. Any comments on how you deal with seeing your loved one struggling so much?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rev]

Hi A.M.

My daughter has also been diagnosed Bi-Polar - won't take her meds. Hasn't spoken to me in over a year because I cut her cell phone after two years of trying to get her to bring her bills under control.

This must be, to my mind at least, one of the most difficult thing a person can go through - to worry about a child.

Every one is different. I have become rather numb to be honest and am concerned that things will never really be right.

This place has been a big support - it does change the challenges but it does reduce the suffering.

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev

[Artsy Mom]

Hi Rev,

Thanks for your reply. This is so very hard. Kind of a chronic hopelessness or grief. I wish I was at the numb stage - it might be easier. I have to remind myself that I don't have control nor the cure. As a mother, I have a fierce love for her and know that she herself is hurting. She does not communicate regularly - and often does not respond to texts or calls. That is the hardest part - she did not talk with me for 9 months last year by her choice and during that time had some therapy. And we had good discussions after that. But at times I just feel used - there always seems to be something she wants from me when she comes around. Manipulation! Learning to set boundaries and at times I wish I just had the strength to give myself space from her. One of the hardest things is that I feel like I can't be truthful with her - that it is all about validating her - she never lets us get past that part of the equation - she doesn't want to talk about solutions, ideas, she knows everything!  UGGHHH.

[Manifest32f]

Hi all, I’m looking for some guidance on how to deal with the challenges I face every time I have a conversation with my adult daughter with BPD. Recent years have been especially tough because I am growing older and can’t handle the emotional rollercoaster ride anymore. So my husband and I moved far away so we can put some physical distance but the emotional pain she is putting me through keeps getting worse every day. Her demands are extreme and I have become numb to it although I have not mustered up the courage to say I will not do a,b,c …She demands that I call every day (long distance and time difference not withstanding), and listen to unending abuse from her. There’s nothing she has not called me & her vocabulary is extensive and abusive. If I miss a day, then the demand multiplies. The sad part is I don’t miss talking to her and it’s really sad. I love her deeply and dearly being my only child but for some reason she strongly believes I don’t love her and so tortures me with every word she says.
I don’t know how to tell her that I don’t want to visit her anymore because my visit with her last year ended horribly and I don’t think I can go through it ever again. She was very abusive (words & actions) and made me feel sad, old & helpless, alone despite me being financially independent and not having to depend on her for anything. She acts as though she cares so much about us in front of others and the second they leave, takes us to task like a ring master. How do you suggest I tell her that I don’t want to visit her. I have told her to come and stay with me for as long as she wants and she says she will not come unless I make amends. It’s really sad