Who can I talk to?

[Jabberwocky]

Having just discovered yesterday about BPD and realizing that my wife of 30 years significantly exhibits traits, I'm wondering who I can/should bring into this with me.  I have 3 adult children who have watched me be the main brunt of the disorder for years and I want to talk about what I've found with them, but I don't want to gang up?  I want to talk with friends, but they know her and I don't want to disparage her to them.  I set up meetings with a counsellor that start next week, but I feel very alone right now and feel like I need some contact sooner.  I'd love some input.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

We're here 

I get the feeling of how hard it is to wait for the next counseling session. That's one of the reasons I post here -- life doesn't wait for a good time for you to have support lined up, it just hits you with all kinds of heavy stuff at inopportune moments. So, yeah, we're here.

In terms of the kids, even though they are adults, I'd go slow and not hope that they will "join with you" right away. You will probably need to do more of the lifting in those relationships for a bit. If you do want to test the waters down the road (I wouldn't do it right now right as you are learning about BPD), you may need to do it from a "secure, stable father" place, where you can be the one they lean on as they process stuff about their mom.

One way to broach the subject is with a general statement of "as time goes on and we get older, sometimes we have new insights about our families and the past. If there's ever anything you want to ask me about when you were kids, or me or mom, please know you can do that whenever you want".

That let's them know they don't have to talk about stuff or share your position, but that you want to support them wherever they are at. That is really important to "stay the dad" because in many families where a parent has BPD, the family structure gets "inverted" and one or more kids "become the parent" to the pwBPD -- taking care of their feelings, putting the parent's needs first, etc, instead of the parent doing that for the child.


Basically you also want to avoid "trying to get the kids to take your side" as that is "more of the same". Now that you have new info about BPD, and can check out the links on this site about the impacts of a BPD parent on kids, you will be well equipped to listen to and be supportive of your adult kids (vs what a BPD parent would do, enlist them to take a side).

Over time, as your kids see that they can trust you as they talk about their experiences with Mom, you guys may have more "equals on common ground" talks. But for starters, I'd lean towards a LOT of listening. It'll pay off.

...

What's something you've learned about BPD that was a huge "lightbulb moment" for you? What do you most want to dialogue about?

[hurtingbad]

Hi Jabberwocky,
I'm sorry you're having these issues.  I found this site several years ago when I was desperately searching for answers.  I had been off for awhile, but now I'm back, sadly. I have been married to my uBPDh for 32 years, and have one adult son who dealt with this growing up...although at that point, I'd never heard of BPD.  Unfortunately, he also seems to have some traits of BPD that I was not even aware of until his wife began to mention it to me some time ago.  (thankfully, he is in therapy although I do not know if he has ever been diagnosed with BPD)  I can, but would rather not, talk to our son about it, because it just didn't seem right to me, and since I am always with my husband when around our son!

I have no one else to talk to either, which is why I like this site.  My h does not know anything about me being on here, but I am here trying to learn how to better communicate with him.  It doesn't always (hardly ever) goes well, but I am trying. 

I don't yet have much advice, but everyone here is very helpful and I've read some great advice.  Even just being able to "talk" to someone else who understands what you've been going thru, REALLY understands, is a blessing. 

Welcome!