Need guidance

[Fox98]

Hello everyone. For the past few days I have been reading a lot of articles about BPD because I have been fearing my partner is suffering from it. That is how I came across this forum. I want to share some things about my situation, I hope it doesn't get too confusing but my mind is all over the place. I guess I'm looking for reassurance about everything.

I actually can't say she's my partner right now, because she broke up with me through Whatsapp last week. Since then I have been a complete mess and I have been trying to make sense of it all. For 2 years the relationship has been an emotional rollercoaster with a lot of ups and downs. Break up has been around the corner a couple of times before but this time it feels more definite. I want to clarify I am a person who has social anxiety and a fear of abandonment. I feel like I also did a lot of things wrong but sometimes I am not sure what things she has projected on to me and what is actually my fault. The first part of the relationship I would constantly hear that I didn't respect her belongings and I would always be very careless with her stuff. She could get very angry if I accidentaly spilled something on her couch and stuff like that. For the past few months the big topic has been that I am an egotistic person and I never think about anyone else but myself. Now every small moment triggers her to say that and go crazy at me. I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells and a small thing could turn into a huge fight where we don't speak for days in the end. Then all of a sudden it seems like the dark cloud has gone by and she's back to the loving person I can have a reasonable talk with. I admitted I was acting selfish during a certain situation and I would try to work on the egotistic side of me. Then later on another thing happened and she called me egotistic again and I couldnt really take that criticism. Then she said I lied to her in the earlier conversation and I never see my shortcomings in myself. I am always defensive in her eyes and she thinks she is very aware of her own shortcomings. She also tells me she doesn't truly know me because I don't speak up about what I really feel and think but the truth is I got more and more afraid to go against her or stick up for myself. She said I just say what she wants to hear because I desperately don't want to lose her, and I guess there's truth to that because my fear of abandonment comes in. I gradually became smaller and smaller from all the situations and now I almost have no self worth left. There were constant problems the last few weeks. And then last week she got triggered about a small thing again which catapulted into her definitely breaking it off with me. The reasons: I am egotistic and I don't want to see it, I just say what she wants to hear but don't truly look at myself, we are in a different life phase, she wants to have open communication and I can't give that to her, I wasn't there for her when she needed me, she would always be there for me and put so much energy in me and never got anything back. This all makes me feel so conflicted. I love this woman so much, and I want to give everything I have to her. I am starting therapy soon and I partly did that because she told me I needed to do it and the relationship would be unsustainable for her if I didnt change myself. Now I feel lile she just put all these things on me and I feel left broken and confused. Its as if theres a cold wall and no love or any compassion left. I am trying so hard to not get into these crisis situations and I feel like im always trying to not do the wrong thing but its impossible.. I am human..

I would love to get some advice from you guys on what is the best thing to do. I want her back so badly but when I contact her I just hear the same stuff that she can't take it anymore. I decided I really need to not contact her anymore, even though it's really hard. I don't want to put that BPD label on her but I have found so many similar stories on this forum. I hope I can get your guys toughts on this.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Fox-

Welcome to our community.  I’m so sorry you find yourself in a well of deep sadness, pain and confusion.  Most members who arrive here feel pretty much the way you do now, desperately seeking answers and comfort of some type.  It’s a hard hard road, my friend.  But one that is well understood by those of us here.  I’m so sorry to say that it takes quite a while to grasp some type of understanding, if I can even call it that.

Trying to understand her “reasons” for behaving the way she does will likely be an endless search.  So I’d advise you not to twist yourself into exhaustion looking for rational explanations.  There’s nothing too rational to it, I’m sad to say...

The greater search, the one that I believe will truly serve you, whether you decide to reunite or not, is into yourself.  It’s a good thing you’ve scheduled an appointment with a therapist (T).  If this T is not a good fit for you, please find another person to work with you.  You are SO worth it.  You always have been.

I would like to point out, and I do speak from experience, that my search in T began about my partner and ended up being about me.  The real “why’s” of my relationships, with both my exH and my now exBF, both disordered.  I’ve figured a LOT out about myself... and still working on that.  This is a good time for you to explore you.  In the beginning, middle and end, we are only in control of ourselves.  And you are worth every ounce of love and attention you give to yourself.  Please know that.

And here’s something.  For you.  You state you have social anxiety.  We want our lovers (and friends/families) to be our biggest supporters, true?  When they seem to work against our “frailties”, that seems cruel.  I would presume your recent ex understood you experience social anxiety and abandonment fears, yet she seemed to actively play on these.  Why?

When a person suffers from social anxiety or abandonment issues, you don’t call them egotistical or constantly threaten to break up.  All that does is weaken the very fabric of everything and puts her in control over your fear.  Pretty cruel and unfair.

Just some things to look at.  Loving partners wouldn’t go for the jugular.  Just my thoughts.

I’m sorry.  I’ve been through it, and tiptoeing isn’t my strong suit.

The bottom line, Fox, is that nothing changes until something changes.  If you go back now, with things exactly the way they were when you parted, things will be exactly as they were.  So this is your chance to figure out if this is the kind of love you want.

Please keep talking.  You ARE safe here.  Your thoughts?

And for the time being, if you can, please try to stay no contact.  Again, because nothing changes until something changes.  See other friends, hear music, take walks, visit an animal shelter, just OTHER things.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Rev]

Hi there FOX...

Welcome!  You've come to a really great place - lot's of wisdom, zero judgement.

Sorry you find yourself here AND happy that you have found us.  And thank you for trusting us with your story.

How did it feel to write it down here? 

You named a lot of dynamics here that many (all?) of us have experienced for ourselves. These relationships can feel like an emotional blender, can't they?

And you've named some pretty important self awareness as well, things that perhaps you might explore in therapy.

You've asked for some advice and at the same time, I'm not hearing any specific questions - which is fine - just to say that for now, why don't we let things settle and when something comes up that is more specific, you can reach out?  Thoughts?

In the meantime, I'd invite you to be curious about your own values and how you came about them. And I'd invite you to not see anything as inherently good or bad, just "what is". Because really, that's where anyone really needs to start because really there is no other place to start but there. 

Also, be aware that this rupture has likely caused wounds (new and old) to resurface and it can feel like its a bit much all at once.  Let the waters calm as best as possible to give yourself a chance to catch your balance a bit before pushing too hard. These relationships can make their way into our nervous systems and trick us into believing that everything is a crisis. Not saying specifically that you are there, and instead wanting to name it, just in case.

How is that for a start?  Hope this helps a bit.

Again - Welcome.  Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev

[SaltyDawg]

Hello everyone. For the past few days I have been reading a lot of articles about BPD because I have been fearing my partner is suffering from it.
...
I want to clarify I am a person who has social anxiety and a fear of abandonment. I feel like I also did a lot of things wrong but sometimes I am not sure what things she has projected on to me and what is actually my fault.
...
This all makes me feel so conflicted. I love this woman so much, and I want to give everything I have to her. I am starting therapy soon and I partly did that because she told me I needed to do it and the relationship would be unsustainable for her if I didnt change myself. Now I feel lile she just put all these things on me and I feel left broken and confused. Its as if theres a cold wall and no love or any compassion left. I am trying so hard to not get into these crisis situations and I feel like im always trying to not do the wrong thing but its impossible.. I am human..

Your feelings also describe me (the one's that I quoted, except for anxiety) and had led me on a very unexpected journey that I had no clue about until earlier this summer.  Before I came to the conclusion that my wife likely has undiagnosed BPD (uBPDw), I did a deep dive on myself with a therapist to make sure I was not the one who was F- Up with all of the projections, transferences, etc..  According to my therapist I am not F- up as I thought I was (I saw myself as a having Borderline tendencies of a quiet Borderline) -- and I am working on those issues, most (not all such as Abandonment, as we all have Borderline tendencies) issues fall into the normal range.  I also educated myself on what BPD was and the two most important books to me that I have read so far are:

Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life
Book by Margalis Fjelstad

AND

Stop Walking on Eggshells
Book by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger

The Stop Caretaking book described me almost perfectly (>99%) in section 1 of my feelings/responses/actions.  I used this book to validate that I am a caretaker of a Borderline in conjunction with asking pointed questions to my therapist. 

I then read the Eggshells book and this book has the primary traits and signs of a Borderline / Narcissist and will help you assess what you are dealing with and I used it as an assessment tool for all of my immediate family members, myself included.

Both books offer up different tools for managing the situation with a lot of overlap.  I know these books are too little, too late, as you are currently separated.  However, they will give you a better understanding of the situation.

I knew I had to be >99.9% correct before taking action - this took over two months and couple hundred of hours of reflection, discernment, reading, researching, etc.

What the guys above me said, is also very true too especially to what I put in bold above.

Don't act impulsively and reactively.  Do process what has happened from a different perspective and get to know what you are dealing with, get outside opinions from a Therapist and/or a good friend you can confide in if you can't afford a Therapist and listen to their guidance.  Sleep on it at least a week before making any major decisions.  However, follow what your gut instinct is following keeping in mind that you need to weight what your logical mind is telling you, what your emotional mind is telling you, to discern what your wise mind is telling you which will be a weighted compromise to your emotional and logical minds.

[Jabberwocky]

Fox,

I want you to know that you are not alone.  Your post is almost exactly the same as my story culminating two weeks ago when I discovered this site (and first time understanding of BPD), and subsequently she said that she wanted a divorce for sure this time.   

This is all new to me so I don't have any good advice.   I will say that your post reminded me again that I'm not the only one who is experiencing this.