So tired

[Anggri]

My child is 24- she has been doing DBT for some time but still constantly threatens suicide and has intense reactions to just about everything. I don't believe I was an invalidating parent- no amount of validating was enough, it could go on for hours and hours and she can be extremely abusive emotionally. She is living alone and attending University but still has these issues. I lost my sister to suicide so her threats make me feel panic. I had to change my ringtone because I would panic when the phone rang. I am just so tired and drained. I need to detach - how can I do this without seeming to abandon her or invalidate her?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Tanager]

I too panic at the sound of my daughter's ringtone. I often awake startled in the middle of the night hearing it. Then I realize the phone didn't ring.  It doesn't matter how many times I change the ringtone - it's always there.

My daughter has been in eating disorder treatment for several months and this has given me respite from the incessant phone calls. I know she is monitored and safe, and her phone access is limited.  She has also realized her phone calls were excessive - often 3-4 times a day with calls often lasting an hour.

For my part I have vowed  to banish my phone from my bedside table at night. If it's an emergency she will call her dad's phone (not her preference).  I won't feel compelled to answer at the hairdresser, if I am in the shower,  at the grocery store! 

I have felt compelled to be there for my daughter 24/7.  If I always answer I might prevent her from hurting herself, from giving up, from committing suicide, from dropping out - the list goes on.

Like you , there was a suicide in my family - my dad.  I feel so responsible for  my daughter's happines, even her life.. She is 26 and she must take charge. I know that, but it is hard to let go.

Yesterday my daughter did call me.  I was in line at UPS, mailing a package to her.  She was upset because she had forgotten an appointment. I asked her If I could call her back in a few minutes, which unleashed a torrent of anger and blame.

I apologize for this rambling response. I just wanted you to know I relate. I wish you some peace and healing for yourself.

[Arbek]

My daughter is 24 also and talks constantly SI…it is soo exhausting. She has been living away attending treatment and school but is coming home next week because she id not coping let alone thriving. Whenever I see an in-coming call from her, my anxiety is immediately triggered, and now she’ll be under the same roof with my husband and I and, admittedly, I’m dreading it:(
My heart is wracked with empathy for those dealing with schizophrenic loved ones, but chronic SI is also incredibly wearing.
I finally silenced my phone because its ringing, no matter how pleasant the ring tone, sent my heart racing every time. I check it frequently and call her back asap when I see she’s called…but it is just so sad when you don’t want to talk to your own daughter because the conversation is never normal. My heart is with you❣️

[Tanager]

An alternative to constant phone calls is to email.  This was actually my daughter's idea because her treatment center limited phone accessibility.  Emails remove the need of an immediate response and give us time to reflect and compose our thoughts.  I hope we can continue since phone calls and even text messages are often so upsetting.  Setting a limit on the number of daily phone calls would be a big relief.

Anggri, your question about how to detach yet still validate your daughter is one I struggle with every day.  It's hard for me to not JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) when she attacks me with hurtful and untrue accusations.  One response that works for me is, "I am so sorry for your pain." It is true- I am so sorry for the pain of our bpd children and the parents who love them.