Help: Mom with BPD is making me dread my wedding

[Cornmuffin]

Hi there, this is my first post and thank you in advance if you read it all. I’m absolutely losing my mind and I really need support, since my wedding is approaching and I’m MISERABLE. 

I got engaged spring 2021 and have been planning my wedding since then (the wedding is in a few weeks from now). I’ve been working my butt off by planning this wedding, working full time, and managing my mom’s response. My mom and fiancé are complete opposites and she doesn’t get him. Everytime we spend time together, she pulls me aside and tells me a problem she had with a small comment he made, a look he gave, basically anything she can find to comment on. I have to constantly be put in the middle and I hate it, not to mention she really is difficult to be around and my fiancé is trying his absolute hardest to be respectful of her despite how upset he sees me get all the time because of her.

Since my fiancé proposed, my mom has made this process so stressful for me. She has always centered herself since I was little, would make scenes in public, complain about everything, and put her own needs first. So I decided to try and set healthy boundaries and not involve her with much of the process (me and my fiancé are paying for the wedding ourselves). In the past year, my mom has done the following: sobbed on the phone because I refused to let her come dress shopping, cried when I told her I found *the dress* because I hadn’t sent her her birthday card yet (it was a week late), said my bridesmaid would ruin my wedding if she wore a jumpsuit instead of a dress because everyone would judge her, told me my hair looked “like it could have been done better” in my engagement photos because “one curl was out of place” (she rationalized this as trying to make sure my hair looks perfect on the wedding day), and constantly questions my choices, gives unsolicited opinions, and is convinced my fiancé is “trying to take me away from her.”

All of this has made me dread the wedding even though everything else is going wonderfully. I can’t stop catastrophizing about awful things she will say or do at the wedding. I feel so alone, and feel guilty I’m letting her get to me. I’ve really worked so, so hard to set these boundaries and I’ve stuck to them despite my mom’s severe emotional reactions. I’m proud of myself but also devastated that she can’t control herself and she is unable to attend to my needs, even though I’m the bride getting married. When I tell my bridesmaids the things she has said and done, they’re horrified, but this sick part of me knows my mom is trying her best and then I feel like an awful daughter for not including her - though intellectually I know I’m not wrong. I just love my mom and don’t want to hurt her, but at the same time I absolutely cannot live like this.

I just desperately need to know: for those of you who are keeping a parent with BPD in your life, and have planned a wedding, have you experienced anything like this? Am I nuts for waking up angry about this everyday? And if you have had a stressful wedding experience due to a BPD parent, how did you handle it? (As a side note, my dad passed years ago and my parents were divorced anyway, and my sibling situation is complicated so he is unable to provide support). Thank you so much for reading and I appreciate any advice or support! I just need to know I’m not crazy.

[FrozenBerry]

Hi Cornmuffin,

welcome  I'm new myself, but if your experience is anything like mine you have come to a great place with lots of wisdom and support.

As the partner of someone with a BPD mother I would like to congratulate you on the clarity with which you are able to see the dynamics of your situation. This phrase in particular, struck me as a common experience from my readings:

 
 I just love my mom and don’t want to hurt her, but at the same time I absolutely cannot live like this. 

It truly is a sad disorder. I hope others with more knowledge and experience will chime in shortly - just wanted to say my heart goes out to you dealing with this stressful dynamic while trying to celebrate something so beautiful.

[Notwendy]

Congrats on the wedding. You are not the only one- you aren't nuts. I am sorry you are dealing with this. My wedding was a while ago. It was before I knew about BPD. At that time, growing up in my family, we all knew we had to do what my mother wanted. So I just let her plan it.

My wedding BPD mother's party was beautifully planned. It was everything I she wanted. The bride She looked beautiful. All BPD mother's friends and family were there. One person from my father's side of the family showed up. I think I had about 20 of my own friends there. I had no idea who some of the people at the wedding were.

If anyone is shocked reading this, it didn't even seem not normal to me at the time. This was "normal" in my family. We weren't allowed to argue or disagree with mother. Since then, I have learned a lot. I would not have accepted my parents paying for the wedding. Money is a form of control for BPD mother. If she offers to pay for anything, I know she wants to have some control. This was Dad's money and so it was in her hands. It was going to be her party all along. Dad would not have given that money directly to me as she'd not have allowed that. Those were the dynamics in the family.

My H and I could not have afforded a wedding at the time though, living like students, but something smaller would have been fine for us.

I believe a couple should have the wedding they want. However, if parents are paying, some respect for their wishes is in order as well. The couple are the ones getting married but it is a joining of two families. Emotionally healthy mothers would want the bride to be happy on this day, feel great in her dress, and have a wedding that reflects her and her spouse but BPD is different and it's a sad disorder.

What your mother is doing with your fiance is "triangulation". This is a change for her. She may see him as taking her from you. Mine prefers to triangulate with my H.

My best advice- since this wedding is in motion already- trying to manage your mother is adding to your stress. I understand it- the worry she'd cause a scene, but in my situation, BPD mother tends to behave better when there are people around. She got a lot of attention at the wedding. Think of this a bit like if a toddler had to go to their sibling's birthday party- and see the sibling get a lot of attention, presents, cake. The toddler would have a meltdown. The solution- get the toddler a present too. Same with a new baby in the family- get the big sister a present when bringing a baby gift. How can you make your mother feel special when planning your wedding?

Yes, it's your wedding and she should not upstage you, but what can you do to make her feel special too? I am thinking a lovely corsage, mentioning her in a toast at the wedding? A lovely centerpiece at her table? In your plans, what ways would you be willing to compromise on? If she sees your fiance as taking you away from her, plan to take her to lunch, just the two of you. If you didn't want her when looking for a dress- can you go together to pick out something for the rehearsal dinner or other event like a wedding shower or other event? This way she feels included.

Then, once it's you and your fiance- this is your life together to plan, along with boundaries. I hope your wedding is a lovely day!

[Rev]

Hi there,

I know a pastor who has a cardinal rule - if the mother of the bride is "too involved", she won't do the wedding.

I second everything NotWendy has said.

Hang in there.

And ... CONGRATULATIONS!

Rev

[Notwendy]

I didn't catch the part that you are paying for the wedding. Then it's all your call. But the same advice goes- BPD mother feels left out. Even if she should defer to you, BPD involves difficulty managing feelings and feeling feel like facts to them. It's unfortunate that she isn't able to meet your needs- she can't even meet her own.

It can help to imagine her as your 6 year old little sister, not your mother, when planning your wedding. I know it sounds strange but my BPD mother responds well to a lot of praise and making her feel special. I admit I have a difficult time doing this as it feels so disingenuous to over do this. I have seen her family do this and they compliment her a lot. I think if there is something you can do to include your mother in your plans that won't disrupt them- it might help the situation. This is different from trying to control her feelings or walk on eggshells, it's some extra attention.

My mother is elderly now and we were going to attend a family event a while back. I was stressing over it as I was concerned that I'd spend the whole event tending to her needs and miss out on visiting with people. I didn't mind helping her some but I also wanted to see friends and family. I hired a caretaker for her to help for a part of it. I didn't know how this would go over but the lady was a perfect match for her and they got along well. It made all the difference. I could spend time with BPD mother and also with everyone else. Your mother is at a different stage- but I think it's a similar idea- consider your mother's emotional needs are greater than someone her age. In what ways can these be attended to somewhat at the wedding and while planning it?

[zachira]

You are not alone in being one of many members here with a mother with BPD who post about their concerns about how badly their mother will behave at their wedding. Notwendy's comment about her mother behaving better when others are around, was also true of my mother with BPD who is deceased. Do you have people in your life who understand your situation with your mother who would keep her occuppied at your wedding so she would not be so easily able to cause you so much trouble and heartache? I hear you about feeling guilty. One of the biggest challenges is not taking on the negative feelings of the person with BPD who is uncomfortable with their own feelings and looks for someone to dump these feelings onto. When you are the daughter of a mother with BPD, mother has often been dumping how badly she feels about herself onto her daughter since she was born.This combined with naturally being a caring person and being enlisted to take care of mother's feelings, can be a heavy burden and take lots of practice in letting your mother with BPD be responsible for her feelings and not letting yourself feel her unhappiness. The dumping of the feelngs usually go something like this: Mother feels unhappy. As soon as mother makes her daughter feel unhappy, than mother feels better. The best advice my therapist ever gave me about dealing with disordered people was to observe how I felt inside when around them instead of observing their feelings and taking them on. Perhaps you can practice this when around your mother, and then notice how you did each time on separating your feelings from your mother's. I hope that despite all the challenges with your wedding, that it will be a happy memorable day for you.

[Methuen]

Oh boy.  You sound emotionally exhausted navigating your mother through this event. 

First of all, she’s being successful at “getting to you” and she probably knows this.  Don’t give her that.  She can’t help herself - it’s the disease.  But you can.  As long as she sees that what she is doing is working for her, she will keep doing it.  So…when she pulls you aside to make some jabbing comment, instead of reacting in your usual way, react unexpectedly, possibly  with humour?  “Really? I thought that curl loked looked like _______! (celebrity).

You already have great advice here.  To NotWendy’s point about finding some way to include her, we stumbled  into the answer for our wedding quite by accident.  This close to the wedding, your plans will already be in place, but perhaps there is something you could rejig to give her the attention she needs.  At our wedding many years ago, my H had the idea to have both his mom and dad give him away walking up the isle.  It followed that I would do the same.  Mom liked that a lot as eyes were also on her, and her need for attention was satisfied.  That gained her cooperation for a lot of things.  It was also a safe way to give her attention because she didn’t have to speak.  Not sure if this is helpful or not.  You can’t change her disease (or her personality), you can only change how you respond to it.  Is there some little way you can give her a role that she can get attention for?  My mom also grew the flowers for our wedding- something that brought her lots of attention.  Right now your mom is attention seeking in negative ways ( eg by pulling you aside and criticizing  details such as a hair curl in a picture).  Is there some other way you can give the toddler a prize so she doesn’t have to do this?

As to castrophizing how she could mess up the day, I get it. That is going to drain you and divert energy you need for other things.  When those thoughts come , notice them, and then release them, and focus on whatever you need to focus on.  And remember that her image to others is of utmost importance to her, so hopefully that will help keep her tongue in check.  She wants to look good too (in the eyes of others).

Lastly, Zachira’s point about not taking on your mother’s feelings was a life changing one for me, because lots of us aren’t even aware that is what’s happening.  I would suggest rereading Zachira’s post a few times.  I read a similar post 3 years ago, and it set me on a new path.

Let us know how you are doing.  Post as often as you like.   We’re here for you.   

Your day sounds like it will be a beautiful one. You showed exceptional wisdom in deciding to pay for it yourself.

[Rhubarb]

Hi Cornmuffin, how did the wedding go? So curious...I hope for your sake you still got to enjoy your special day x My mum did have a little toddler tanty in the morning before we all got ready(love that analogy NotWendy) and it wasn't pretty...felt bad for the stylist...but I had my own and told her it was my day not hers. She stormed off for several hours but she pulled it together and was fine the rest of the day and walked me down the aisle as planned.

But yes I didn't make a speech and therefore didn't get to thank/acknowledge her and I will never hear the end of that many years later. So yes I would agree extra attention/validation/acknowledgement is needed x