Is Friendship Possible?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I ended the romantic relationship with my BPD partner after 5 very difficult years and a lot of second-chances that didn't ultimately heal enough of the issues to sustain the relationship anymore.  I tried so hard to make the transition peaceful, compassionate, and loving.  But it was impossible with her rage and increasingly erratic and volatile behavior.  It hurts so much to think that she is permanently gone from my life.  I do not need to be in a partnership with her, but my heart breaks to think that we will never even be able to have a friendship. 

I have been able to stay friends with my previous girlfriends 90% of the time, and indeed my closest friend is an ex.  I love my BPD (ex)partner dearly, and we have shared so much together, and when things are stable we really enjoy our times together.  I can see past the disorder to the wonderful person that is also there, and I really don't want to lose her completely.

Will the intensity of her rage and rejection diminish over time?  When we are no longer romantically-bonded will she be capable of a real friendship?  Does anyone have experience with this?

Thanks

[heartcompass78]

I ended the romantic relationship with my BPD partner after 5 very difficult years and a lot of second-chances that didn't ultimately heal enough of the issues to sustain the relationship anymore.  I tried so hard to make the transition peaceful, compassionate, and loving.  But it was impossible with her rage and increasingly erratic and volatile behavior.  It hurts so much to think that she is permanently gone from my life.  I do not need to be in a partnership with her, but my heart breaks to think that we will never even be able to have a friendship. 

I have been able to stay friends with my previous girlfriends 90% of the time, and indeed my closest friend is an ex.  I love my BPD (ex)partner dearly, and we have shared so much together, and when things are stable we really enjoy our times together.  I can see past the disorder to the wonderful person that is also there, and I really don't want to lose her completely.

Will the intensity of her rage and rejection diminish over time?  When we are no longer romantically-bonded will she be capable of a real friendship?  Does anyone have experience with this?

Thanks

[AdRock]

Without knowing her at all, I will say, yes it is possible.  But (based on my own personal experience), you're going to need strict boundaries for yourself.  I'm going out on a limb that you do not want to continue things with her romantically (because as we all know, regardless of who it is, that's a bad idea to hope for if you're going to be friends) so step one would be some time and space.  Another thing is you were the one who ended the romantic relationship.  That is very hard for someone with BPD to accept and if you were to be friends, she might try to restart the romance if she agreed to be friends.  As I said, I don't know her but it's a common pattern for many with BPD if they were dumped.
I get it, completely.  You recognize she isn't a bad person but has a disorder.  Since I do believe people with BPD can maintain relationships if they put in the work on themselves, you want to hope friendship is possible.  As I said, whatever ends up happening with you two, if she is not working on herself and you still want to be friends, maintain boundaries, for yourself.  Being as close as you were (and maybe hoping she might be a close friend of yours in the future) would probably not be the best idea.  Regardless of the type of relationship with someone with BPD (familial, platonic, romantic) there is the strong likelihood you can be the target of their emotional outbursts if you have any level of intimacy.

[Hamster411]

I ended the romantic relationship with my BPD partner after 5 very difficult years and a lot of second-chances that didn't ultimately heal enough of the issues to sustain the relationship anymore.  I tried so hard to make the transition peaceful, compassionate, and loving.  But it was impossible with her rage and increasingly erratic and volatile behavior.  It hurts so much to think that she is permanently gone from my life.  I do not need to be in a partnership with her, but my heart breaks to think that we will never even be able to have a friendship. 

I have been able to stay friends with my previous girlfriends 90% of the time, and indeed my closest friend is an ex.  I love my BPD (ex)partner dearly, and we have shared so much together, and when things are stable we really enjoy our times together.  I can see past the disorder to the wonderful person that is also there, and I really don't want to lose her completely.

Will the intensity of her rage and rejection diminish over time?  When we are no longer romantically-bonded will she be capable of a real friendship?  Does anyone have experience with this?

Thanks

I can relate to this post so much, I have been NC and broken up with my ex for a month now and think the exact same things. When times were relatively stable, I was very happy and we shared so much together. I feel like if I wanted to I could reach out and she would respond, but I don’t think that would be healthy? This month apart has been so hard for me already that I fear opening the door will just undo any little healing I’ve made you know? Hopefully the more experienced members can chime in on this issue and I hope you are doing well after ending the relationship, it is such a hard hard hard decision to make.

[heartcompass78]

Thanks for the replies.  I feel similarly...that after almost two months of no contact, I am nervous to reach out.  I feel like maybe it would hurt her, and also create a backlash against me.  She didnt bother to say Happy Birthday on my birthday in early September, and that really really hurt me a lot.   Four days later she sent me a paypal request for $749, accusing me of breaking a solar generator that in truth failed on its own in a really harsh and unloving tone.  I didnt see the request until this past weekend, and made the mistake of declining it before blocking her on paypal, so she saw the decline notification on her phone.  Within 6 minutes she had sent an identical request on Venmo.  I blocked her there also.

I felt really really upset that while I have been spending weeks calming my heart, trying to understand, and cultivating compassion and love, that she is still simmering in anger and victimhood, withholding normal kindnesses like a happy birthday, and then sending this accusatory and demanding money request.  I felt so sad and upset about it.

I wish I could just send her a card that says "I love you, and miss you, and wish that things were different.  I wish you healing and peace.  And you are always in my heart."  Because this is really what my heart wants to say to her in the deepest part of me.  But I imagine it would be met with confusion and hostility, and her response could be really hurtful.  I dont know if I'm ready for that right now.  Just really sad about the whole situation. Thanks for listening.

[Sluggo]

Hc78

I'm really sorry you're going through this. With my Xbpd of 18 years, divorced 6 yrs, it is as if the divorced happened yesterday. So I have not been able to re-establish any type of friendship.

Sluggo