false allegations

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Has anyone dealt with a spouse making false allegations against you in retaliation?

My uPBDh filed a false DV report, a false petition and was granted a TOP, and a fault divorce complaint full of lies too.

HELP

[yellowbutterfly]

Has anyone dealt with a spouse making false allegations against you in retaliation?

My uPBDh filed a false DV report, a false petition and was granted a TOP, and a fault divorce complaint full of lies too.

HELP

[ForeverDad]

Many here have faced your distress.  We are so very sorry this happened to you.  Our hearts go out to you.  You didn't deserve this.

It is why we encouraged you to work with an experienced lawyer, to document the discord and incidents, to educate yourself on the patterns we often experience, to prepare yourself for either the bad or the less bad, even though we didn't know in advance just how much your stbEx might act, react or overreact.

Clearly he overreacted.  There is no excuse for what he did and claimed.  This might be termed an extinction burst where he has tried to shock you into returning back to him and prior patterns.

That said, what to do now?

First, you're not alone.  Many will tell you their war stories, so to speak.  I faced numerous allegations when I separated some 17 years ago — and I became a member here shortly thereafter.  Mine were mostly child abuse allegations.  Why not DV claims?  Well... my ex was the one arrested for Threat of DV against me.  Yes, I recorded the incident.  (Yet the court, after several months during the course of a few continuances, eventually ruled she was Not Guilty since she didn't have a weapon in her hands.  In my area, mere threats don't rise to the level of being actionable.)  So it wouldn't have been very credible for her to claim what was documented against her.  Instead, she claimed child abuse, predictable because her primary fear was for our then preschooler.  Back history, she had abuse in her childhood and so naturally when I became a father, I increasingly became blamed for reminding her of her stepfather.

At first she didn't know on what to base her allegations.  The first one was that I had let our preschooler tip over his bike, while stopped, and hurt his elbow at a local park.  She soon learned to make more extreme claims.  Eventually she was insinuating "my son told me..." to any professional who would listen.

Fortunately, over time her allegations became more and more "less credible" — passive courtspeak for lies.  Fact:  A couple years after my divorce things continued so bad that I filed for custody in which the Change of Circumstances filing was granted.  In the decision it had a brief paragraph that noted (without ever asking me to provide explanation) that ex had claimed I had committed DV years before.  It stated that some of her testimony wasn't credible.

That is probably what you need to do.  Bounce back from this unbelievable shock and plod through all the mud focused on the "long game" ... extricating yourself from this marriage with the least long term damage possible.  Yes, this will be a "baptism by fire" but as bad as it is now it will soon be past.

You will have to defend yourself.  Not to him, you now know he doesn't care in the least about how horrendously he's behaved.  Defend yourself for yourself.  That means you fight this in court.  No plea deals that indicate you are the one causing the problems.  Yes, court may take its time figuring our what is what, but you always proclaim your innocence.

We assume your lawyer is experienced?  Very soon, probably within a couple weeks, you will have a court hearing on his ex parte OOP filing.  Thus far court only knows what he has submitted.  This is where your lawyer will step forward to contest his claims.  Your lawyer will likely also file a corresponding motion for YOU to get protection from HIM?  (That's what my lawyer did in my initial case.)

Your lawyer will likely make the case this is your lease and it is him who should depart and stay away from you.

Also, your lawyer ought to present his history in prior relationships or appearances before the court.

Another approach might be for the court to order psych evals.  While not thorough assessments, they can give the court a glimpse of the parties involved.  Since he filed first the court may be inclined only to assess you.  Make sure your lawyer insists that you both get psych evals.  Though technically you are the claimed abuser and the focus is on you, you need him to be scrutinized as well.  (That's why filing a corresponding OOP case against him may be a smart approach to ensure the court has equivalent information about the both of you, despite him filing first.)

Warning... protection orders typically require the parties to avoid communication unless an officer of the court is present, such as in the court room, with lawyer or with police officer.  Comply with those terms.  Do not weaken those protections.  Report any violations he commits.

Keep us informed, the peer support here is invaluable.  Take advantage of our hard-won collective wisdom gained from years past.

You will get through this.  The shock right now has surely been earth shattering.  You've learned firsthand who your spouse really is.  We wish it hadn't been such a terrible experience.  Sadly, he only cares about himself and his perceived world.  (And any future tears or claims to want to fix things, well, if it happens, you now know they would be "crocodile tears" and certainly not sincere ones.)

[GaGrl]

Have you documented any instances of abuse on his part? If not, can you remember and list them now?

"On (date) at approximately (time), STBX did (description of behavior)."

[stolencrumbs]

Yes. My ex never actually filed for an OP, but that was mainly because her lawyer advised against it because he knew she had no evidence. So she stuck with just telling friends and family that I abused her.

I have gotten two OPs in my life. I can only tell you my experience. When your H filed for the OP, he had to list the reasons for it. If those reasons seem sufficient, they grant the temp order. In order to get a permanent order, he's going to have to prove *those* claims. Unless something happened between when he filed for the order and the date of the hearing, it's those claims in the original petition that matter. His job is to try to prove those things he claimed are true. If he can't, the order should be denied. And the same is true on your part. You just need to focus on substantiating the claims in the original petition. The court has already decided that that's enough to grant an OP, they are just deciding whether those things are true. That's how things went in my cases, at least.

And I think it's important to separate the OP issue from the fault-divorce issue. The first, IMO, is much more important. You don't really want an OP against you for a variety of reasons. It's not a good thing. At least in my state, which is a "fault" state, it doesn't really matter who is at fault in terms of the divorce. At least that's true if you don't have children and/or complicated assets to divide. I had neither, and my lawyer advised me to just accept whatever grounds she wanted for divorce. I filed on "no fault" grounds (despite having plenty of grounds to file), but she countered with a bunch of BS. At the end of the day, my lawyer told me none of the fault stuff really mattered and fighting would drag it out even more. Again, this is likely very different if there are children involved. If not, being at fault for a divorce likely doesn't really impact your life in any meaningful way.

Also, whatever happens, if there are legal orders preventing one or the other of you from contacting the other, I think that is a real gift in this kind of situation. The months I had an OP against my ex were absolutely the most important months for my own ability to grow. I'm not sure it helped tremendously with the divorce process, but it was worth it for the space it gave me.

[ForeverDad]

StbEx's filing was for Shock & Awe.  Since he wanted you to give up on the divorce plan, he expected sudden capitulation.  You shared your plans (a Nice Gal idea but bad idea for PD scenario) but he then used that news against you, sabotaging you.

Well, if you ever hoped it could be an equitable and peaceful split, this was your wake up call.  Forget being nice, fair or whatever.  Treat it like a unwinding a business merge.  Leave the emotions out since they're probably not productive.

Some inclinations might be, don't get mad get even.  That in itself is not a good idea.  Yes, let go and move on.  He's a Loser and he is a lost cause.  Accept that.  But the legal system is focused, at least to start, on keeping you two apart so there are are no new incidents.  Understand that perspective.  Lick your wounds and ponder how best to get a realistic outcome.

Your lawyer, hopefully one with experience and strategies, will have a few possible approaches for you.

She may expect your stbEx's lawyer, if he has one, will try to make a deal.  As in, if YB does {whatever} then he will back off.  Your lawyer ought to be aware of such pressure.  How much to resist?  Hard to say, sometimes you give a little to gain a lot.  Probably your lawyer will say, Forget it, let's go before the judge.

It's also possible that if you and your lawyer stand firm, the other side may give in and withdraw the motion.  Not sure at what point.  (When my ex and I first separated, we had mutual OOPs against each other.  Court kept postponing adjudication and we had continuances for a few months.  Finally, mine was dismissed and ex's was withdrawn.)

[yellowbutterfly]

Thank you FD and SC for your posts. I'm not writing much right now as I don't even know where to start but your posts were comforting and helpful.

yellowbutterfly

[ForeverDad]

Not to overload you with strategies, ideas and warnings, but at least twice in my separation/divorce court cases I discovered that my willingness to quickly comply with required matters ended up getting me frustrated, essentially, that I got taken advantage of.

Example 1:  During my separation in 2005-2006 we both were ordered to submit to psych evals and provide our results to the court and lawyers.  I complied.  (The quickie eval concluded I had "anxiety".)  Then silence.  Where was then-stbex's eval?  To this day I still haven't seen it nor do I know whether she even got a psych eval at all.

Example 2:  After my divorce was final and we were back in court (again) her lawyer filed a subpoena for financial and other records that were more appropriate for the prior divorce process.  My lawyer said it was the law to comply.  So I complied with some 600 pages copied.  My lawyer was peeved when her lawyer never responded to his calls about our package and so we wrote our own questions in a subpoena.  Want to guess what we got back?  Nothing.  And no one pressed the issue in court despite the theoretical penalties for her failure to comply to a subpoena.

My conclusion:  Any order, deal or process where both of you have to do something and provide it to the court and lawyers, you cannot risk complying first.  There is real risk the other side will simply not comply.  So I advocate this in such situations:  Tell your lawyer you have complied, maybe even provide the results to your lawyer but then instruct your lawyer to hold it (sort of as is done in escrow) until the other party is ready to exchange the results.

[yellowbutterfly]

@FD, did the withdrawn/dismissed TOP ever impact your life in anyway? eg, prevent you from getting a job, tsa pre-check, or the like?

[ForeverDad]

It impacted my health.  Don't consume massive quantities of soda if you want to avoid chronic health issues.  My co-workers didn't talk much, they commiserated with my situation.  No real work or legal consequences.  Then again, I didn't need security clearances.  If someone searches for it they may find it but otherwise the records ought to be a nothingburger.

What's that saying?  "This too will pass."

About whether there are consequences... that's one reason to avoid if at all possible any plea deals in which you admit fault.  I can't imagine court ruling you were wrong in any way but it is better to have a court rule badly than for you to volunteer guilt.  Your lawyer ought to steer you clear of harmful deals.  She might even negotiate to undo the claim and get on with the divorce.  Your stbEx can't stop a divorce, he can only make it difficult.

Remember, you cannot be forced to testify against yourself.  Your lawyer will tell you when to remain silent and what to say and how to say it when necessary.  You have a right to remain silent.  Frankly, though, odds are your stbEx will not get a court to rubberstamp his claims.  Whether his lawyer will withdraw it or the court dismiss it, I can't predict  but you'll soon get past this.

Court doesn't care who is right or who is wrong, at least not much.  You're freaked out but ... for the court and lawyers, it's just another day at the office.  It will show more interest in just getting the divorce done.

I had been an elder in my congregation until the family discord became overwhelmingly noticed the year before we separated.  I stepped down and I've not bounced back from that.  It's been nearly 20 years.  That's my sad regret.

[Firsttimefather]

Hello YB,
 So sorry to hear all you are going through. Though my partner(probably time to start saying exPwBPD) and I are not married I did experience a false report to the police. Now I am a male and typically in these situations when the police are called the men seem to get arrested most often. The fact I didn’t often speaks volumes in my defense when I tell the story. I went so far as to get a copy of the police record just in case. I don’t know what I can offer you but I will say I wished I listened and stayed away. If you read through my thread you will see a steady course of downhill from here. Y’know I regret not reporting my ex when she cheated on her master’s degree, I regret not pursuing charges against her for a false report. I like a fool believed her apologies, believed she wanted to change etc. I know better now.
 I am now a little over a week from my last phone contact with my SO and what ended the conversation was when I said ‘btw I am recording this conversation’ .Ot was 20 minutes of ‘split black’: gaslighting, manipulation, coercion…you name it. I seriously could do no right. I reminded them about all the gifts, all the meals made, the gym membership, everything I did to help make THEIR life easier and was told :’ you know why that was wrong? You know why that too was bad? Because I didn’t want any of those things” Just flat out cold and flat out emotionally abusive.
 In that conversation I brought up the false allegation which although they apologized in the past, mentioned that day that they truly did feel ‘threatened’ and that’s why they called.
 Anyway my takeaway is this: she will lie, cheat, fabricate, frame any experience to make me out to be the ‘bad, abusive, evil one’ whenever it suits her agenda. I finally wised up and am not moving to be with her, not putting myself into further harms way.
 I will end with the advice of an attorney whom I spoke with to get some advice for my upcoming challenges with my SO…
 ‘In 30 years of practicing family law 90% of my caseload involves BPD in relationships and I have yet to see it ever work out. If you live under the same roof with this person expect your life to be hell. Maybe the best thing is that she is now many states away and you are safer this way.”
  I have heard some speak of success stories. I wished that for myself but I don’t see a positive outcome better than me not being around them. I honestly don’t care to speak with them ever again if I can help it. The rollercoaster consumed me. I eventually took it out on myself and am finally picking up my pieces. I want to wish you the best. I do feel fortunate that she and I did not marry. I will never trust them that is for sure. I don’t know if this is helpful for your situation but when I was on these boards looking for false allegation stories it helped to find out I wasn’t the only one. Best of luck and love to you. We all deserve better imo.

[yellowbutterfly]

Thanks, everyone for your posts.

We are working it out through the lawyers rather than in court. I don't have the money to fight it and we don't know what the judge will do since my uBPDh is clearly a masterful liar.

I'm feeling really down today. This isn't fair and I know it doesn't help to complain or focus on that but I feel like he is winning in this. I despise him. At least it will be easier to get over him for how vicious he's been.

I'm still excluded from my home.

[yellowbutterfly]

I'm feeling really down today and still excluded from my home.

[Couscous]

Here's a great quote from Epictetus that I hope gives you strength:

“I laugh at those who think they can damage me. They do not know who I am, they do not know what I think, they cannot even touch the things which are really mine and with which I live.”

[guitarguy09]

I'm feeling really down today and still excluded from my home.

So sorry to hear this, yellowbutterfly. It hurts to read what you've been through. Your husband is a real loser. You are strong and you will come out better on the other side.

Another quote: "If you're going through hell, keep going."

[ForeverDad]

yellowbutterfly, how are you doing?  Are there any particular issues (or distresses) we can help with, even if only to listen?

We're hoping the impact of the sudden catastrophe of the marriage's demise has faded a bit into something less stressful that you can now handle with a lawyer, perhaps a counselor and of course we here in peer support.

I saw this Biblical quote today and it seemed to fit your situation.  "The first to state his case seems right, until the other party comes and cross-examines him." — Proverbs 18:17

[yellowbutterfly]

Thanks for checking in.

I'm feeling very down lately.

A step in the right direction is that the lawyers were able to come to an agreement on the TOP and the apartment which allowed the made-up claims for the TOP to be vacated. I get my apartment back 12/01. It seemed the best outcome to be rid of him and his lies.

Though I still can't get any of my things and had to buy fall clothes. It's a significantly displaced feeling.

Next up is the actual divorce and then dealing with the fact he dropped me from health insurance and claims it's status quo. He's a real jerk and really needs to get himself some help.

The legal stuff is eating up my savings and I'm really depressed about all of this.

I had various friends tell me recently (separately) that they all thought something was wrong with him when they met him. How did I not see that? I'm feeling really bad about my judgment and myself.

[ForeverDad]

Feeling bad?  How could you not be?  This is totally understandable.  So many here have "been there, done that" too.

Still, you can count your blessings that you dealt with this sooner than later.  Many here, myself included, had children with their problem person.  Having children not only complicated a divorce with contested custody and parenting schedules, it meant dealing with the children's other parent even once the children were grown.

With all that has happened, be relieved that you're not impacted even worse.

One thought I'd like to share is to avoid feeling, "I'll give up anything and everything just to be done with this."  Yes, you want it over.  We all did.  But remember the long term perspective, as in this:  "Five years down the road will I look back and regret too quickly gifting away X, Y or Z?"  What are X, Y or Z?  It may be a bit different for each of us.  The point is, picture yourself years in the future and being able to say to yourself, "I handled a horrendous situation as best I could, even rather well."

[arjay]

..."Has anyone dealt with a spouse making false allegations against you in retaliation?.."

Yes and it was very unsettling.  My exBPDw was also a "Social Worker"; she said "she knew the system; that together with her son she threatened to attack me, make it look like I started it; push to have my daughter (from previous marriage) sent to a Foster Home".

My T told me "if Police show up, you will be arrested".  That was the beginning of the end.  I told her if I went-down, was going to see that she was stripped of her ability to even be a Social Worker again.  Mutual self-destruction I suppose and she "backed off".  We divorced 3 months later.

With all the ordinary stress of life, dealing with unnecessary insanity will make you insane.

[Turkish]

I had various friends tell me recently (separately) that they all thought something was wrong with him when they met him. How did I not see that? I'm feeling really bad about my judgment and myself.

Various friends told me similar things as well after it was done. They kept their mouths shut because they thought I was happy and had finally found someone. That included my mother, herself BPD she later told me. 

[yellowbutterfly]

It is really horrible what he is able to get away with in this situation.

Though I am on a healing journey and grateful for all the friends, family, and professionals in my life. Each day is different and brings different feelings.

I'm tired of the legal battles already. I've been out of my apartment for a month and without access to any of my stuff minus what I could throw in a suitcase in 20 minutes. I've had to buy new clothes as I can. But I'm safe and no longer subject to his abuse. And I'm healing a little at a time.

For those of you who've been through this, it gets better, right?

sigh

[I Am Redeemed]

It does get better, yellowbutterfly.

The time immediately after leaving the abuse is hard. Dealing with the effects and the aftermath is hard.

But, little by little, it doesn't feel so overwhelming or exhausting. Little by little, you can give yourself grace for being in the relationship in the first place. Little by little, you can say "I don't have to live like that anymore".

Legal battles suck. But it will be over. You will be back in your apartment. And there will come a time when you won't have to deal with his crap anymore.

You will get there and we will be here to listen while you go through the next steps.

[ForeverDad]

Another thought?  Once you are allowed back to your apartment, would the memories have receded enough for you to feel comfortable there again?  You would need to change the locks unless he is allowed there too.  I worry that until the divorce is done and final - or there are terms in ongoing settlement talks - you may be allowed back but he may not be kept out.

Of course, so much depends upon the situation at the time, whether the landlord would let you out of the lease early, how you would feel then and going forward, etc.

My past was different but also distressing.  Once separated, I was locked out of my preschooler's life, one time for over 3 months, then as limited to alternate weekend dad for two years.  Rest assured the bad times do fade over time.

[yellowbutterfly]

Thank you I Am Redeemed and FD, and though I hate hearing you both went through it, I am comforted to know you got to the other side.

Another thought?  Once you are allowed back to your apartment, would the memories have receded enough for you to feel comfortable there again?  You would need to change the locks unless he is allowed there too.  I worry that until the divorce is done and final - or there are terms in ongoing settlement talks - you may be allowed back but he may not be kept out.

He signed an agreement in front of the judge waiving all rights and he cannot come there after a certain date, the management knows too. I'll change the locks and I'm going to redesign it. I have a good price on the apartment and where I live there is nothing affordable. It's been my neighborhood and building for over a decade so I feel ok going back.

He's making up more LIES today. UGH

[kells76]

He signed an agreement in front of the judge waiving all rights and he cannot come there after a certain date, the management knows too. I'll change the locks and I'm going to redesign it. I have a good price on the apartment and where I live there is nothing affordable. It's been my neighborhood and building for over a decade so I feel ok going back.

That's really smart. I'm glad you came up with a solid plan and will feel good going back. 

He's making up more LIES today. UGH

UGH is right 

How are you finding out about the lies?

[SaltyDawg]

You need to document, document, document.

I don't know about the laws in your country, but I have made a similar post on some other threads on this board, you can read them:

Here is my story on a false allegation:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=354107.msg13181771#msg13181771

Here are my tips on documenting:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=354091.msg13181755#msg13181755