Boundary Struggles with BPD Brother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello! I have an older brother with BPD traits and ever since I realized that a few years ago, I’ve been making an effort to look at his moods and his behavior through that lens in an attempt to explain it. It’s helped a bit, especially by making his mood swings and his hostility feel less like a direct result of something I did or said.

But I continue to struggle when I’m physically around him. We live in different states, and usually when we are first together after a long time away, he’s in a good mood, cracking jokes. Then the switch comes. He’ll suddenly become cold and distant and if you ask him a harmless question, he’ll snap at you. It’s exhausting and causes me a lot of anxiety to be around him because I’m constantly waiting for his mood to shift.
 
We are visiting our parents this weekend — the first time we’ve all been together in a year and a half — and we talked earlier today, normally, but then over the course of the afternoon he went to his dark place. He isolated himself all evening, and then when he emerged, he said in an annoyed tone, “you don’t check your phone anymore?” because he’d sent me a text asking if I had any weed gummies and I hadn’t responded yet. I handed him one and he said “I really needed this” as if he had been through something terrible. Normally, I would ask him what he meant, if he’s okay, if he wants to talk. I’ve had countless interactions with him like that where he says something vaguely attention-grabbing and then I ask him a million questions and pull teeth to get him to talk about his feelings. But they never feel productive, for me or him. They usually end with me suggesting he get professional help and him putting down every single thing I say.

So this time, I decided not to ask him any follow-ups. I think me not asking him how he is is me setting a boundary, but I feel so bad about it. I don’t want him to feel like I don’t care. I also don’t want him to feel like his showy pouting gets him attention from me. I don’t want to be exhausted by having the same conversation over and over. For years, I’ve believed that being a good sister meant being there for him in every way. If he showed even the slightest bit of sadness, it was my job to find out why he was sad and figure out how to help or to listen if he wanted that. That is so ingrained in me that don’t know how to believe that I can be a good sister *and* let him be when he’s in one of his moods. Am I just being lazy? Am I becoming cold? How do I have boundaries without feeling like I’m a terrible sister? (For more context, we have another brother who died by suicide 8 years ago, which is a big reason for this emphasis on being a good sister — I’m worried that if I’m not, I could lose this brother, too).

[aaaaaaah]

Hello! I have an older brother with BPD traits and ever since I realized that a few years ago, I’ve been making an effort to look at his moods and his behavior through that lens in an attempt to explain it. It’s helped a bit, especially by making his mood swings and his hostility feel less like a direct result of something I did or said.

But I continue to struggle when I’m physically around him. We live in different states, and usually when we are first together after a long time away, he’s in a good mood, cracking jokes. Then the switch comes. He’ll suddenly become cold and distant and if you ask him a harmless question, he’ll snap at you. It’s exhausting and causes me a lot of anxiety to be around him because I’m constantly waiting for his mood to shift.
 
We are visiting our parents this weekend — the first time we’ve all been together in a year and a half — and we talked earlier today, normally, but then over the course of the afternoon he went to his dark place. He isolated himself all evening, and then when he emerged, he said in an annoyed tone, “you don’t check your phone anymore?” because he’d sent me a text asking if I had any weed gummies and I hadn’t responded yet. I handed him one and he said “I really needed this” as if he had been through something terrible. Normally, I would ask him what he meant, if he’s okay, if he wants to talk. I’ve had countless interactions with him like that where he says something vaguely attention-grabbing and then I ask him a million questions and pull teeth to get him to talk about his feelings. But they never feel productive, for me or him. They usually end with me suggesting he get professional help and him putting down every single thing I say.

So this time, I decided not to ask him any follow-ups. I think me not asking him how he is is me setting a boundary, but I feel so bad about it. I don’t want him to feel like I don’t care. I also don’t want him to feel like his showy pouting gets him attention from me. I don’t want to be exhausted by having the same conversation over and over. For years, I’ve believed that being a good sister meant being there for him in every way. If he showed even the slightest bit of sadness, it was my job to find out why he was sad and figure out how to help or to listen if he wanted that. That is so ingrained in me that don’t know how to believe that I can be a good sister *and* let him be when he’s in one of his moods. Am I just being lazy? Am I becoming cold? How do I have boundaries without feeling like I’m a terrible sister? (For more context, we have another brother who died by suicide 8 years ago, which is a big reason for this emphasis on being a good sister — I’m worried that if I’m not, I could lose this brother, too).

[yamada]

I would ask him what he meant ...if he didn't answer I would call an ambulance or the police saying he is threatening suicide...If he is being manipulative there is a consequence,...if he is serious then he is safe

[Mommydoc]

For years, I’ve believed that being a good sister meant being there for him in every way. If he showed even the slightest bit of sadness, it was my job to find out why he was sad and figure out how to help or to listen if he wanted that. That is so ingrained in me that don’t know how to believe that I can be a good sister *and* let him be when he’s in one of his moods. Am I just being lazy? Am I becoming cold? How do I have boundaries without feeling like I’m a terrible sister?

So sorry for the loss of your other brother, I can see how it might factor into this relationship. Without  knowing much more about your FOO, it does sound like you have played a particular role in your family, and have been brought up to meet everyone else’s needs before your own. (Any chance you are first born?) These deeply engrained family dynamics make it very difficult when we flip things and begin to set boundaries. I am glad you found this site as it will be a great source of learning and support as you flip the script.

You are not responsible for his moods and setting boundaries is necessary. It will feel uncomfortable, unnatural and may even be associated with feelings of guilt. You may want to read more about FOG ( fear, obligation and guilt) and how pwBPD utilize FOG to get their emotional needs met. Like you, I felt it was my job as “good big sister” to soothe and take care of my sister wBPD, while sacrificing my own personal needs and tolerating decades of emotional and verbal abuse. What I have learned here is that setting boundaries is healthy and is an act of kindness towards our family member wBPD  ( though they won’t see it that way). It sounds like you are a kind, caring and empathetic sister  ( not cold or lazy at all) but your brothers BPD prevents him from recognizing and appreciating that. Though he may care for you in his own way, his BPD prevents you from having a balanced relationship with him. When all the work to maintain a relationship falls on one person, is it  a relationship that you should continue to invest in and at what level? As your brother, you can’t or may not want to go no contact, but it is your choice, particularly after this weekend, since he lives in another state, how much energy and time you want put into this relationship. Another question to ask yourself, is what you want from the relationship going forward ( and realistically what is possible)?

 I agree with yamada that if he expresses SI, you take it seriously by calling 911 or a hotline, but I didn’t pick up that as one of your concerns. Good luck with the rest of the weekend, and safe travels back home.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hello,

Also wanted to extend my sympathies for the loss of your brother.

As the only sister(ish, it's complicated) in my own family, I can relate to you. I used to do this with my brother too, whom has BPD traits and is diagnosed bipolar. Our relationship is incredibly complicated...

In the end, it helped to realize the the role of a sister is not to parent a sibling... It is not to save, nor to rescue. Sure we can listen, but needing to pry open is indicative of the start of a drama triangle. I recommend looking up Karpman drama triangle...

It all comes down to : desensitizing ourselves. The first time I didn't save my brother was hard, the second time too...then the third time felt more normal, until I got to a point where this is my new normal.

Sometimes guilt will pop her ugly head, but I answer her, simply, that this should have never been my role to begin with, to calm herself, take a good tea and go for a meditative walk.

 

[Cait]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I am also a sister to a BPD brother and I can relate to so much of what you wrote. As others have said, it is not your job to fix him or his moods. It has taken me over a decade to learn this lesson and I'm still learning to implement it. I feel grief because he is my only sibling and I feel like the sister I would like to be (a good listener, giving, etc) is not the sister I often have to be. I mourn a "normal" sibling relationship and any sort of healthy communication/dynamic. You are not alone.

[PearlsBefore]

Your brother is a very familiar type for me (and similar to R1verwolf, I wonder if there isn't a touch of bipolar), and reminds me of a dBPD I know who once explained solemnly to a professional who didn't grasp BPD that "BPD is pretty much just Bipolar except instead of going through a manic month and then a depressive month, I'll cycle between them 4-5 times a day".

What jumps out at me, and I may be biased, is the weed gummy and the sullen "I needed this" - I'm rather open about my stance on subtances especially when abused and that's always where I advocate drawing the first boundary. It's more complicated in your case because presumably you also indulge so he thinks you're a jerk if you don't share - but even consider telling him that you're quitting/cutting back and see if you can get him to accept that.

It's not (just) that I'm generally anti-addiction, but because it's difficult enough figuring out toward which comorbidity you're meant to cater today...throw in "he also views you as a way to get a dopamine reward in his brain" and you've reduced your own ability to figure out his motives when he pays you a compliment, talks about missing rent or kicks the cat in front of you...because BPD typically has the inherent haltlose lack of proper time/place orientation it means the substance use can be all the more overwhelming inside their own head - even if it's not apparent to those outside their head.

[Couscous]

PearlsBefore,

This is the first time I have heard of Haltlose personality disorder, and the description is an almost perfect match for one my brothers who, until now, I thought suffered from a confusing even, contradictory mix of NPD/BPD/HPD and ADD.