Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 06:31:48 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I need help. What next?  (Read 923 times)
Slothie83

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 21


« on: September 22, 2022, 09:13:17 PM »

My brother told my ubpdh that he wasn’t sure if they were going to make it over for the football game on  Sunday because they may be going out of town. Immediately my husband became upset because he and I haven’t gone out of town in awhile. He left the house for a drive. I’m pretty sure he drank. When he came home he started in on me about how I’m the reason we never go on trips. I don’t allow him to be himself. I’m always the one to say no. I fell into the defense trap. It’s so hard for me not to when the things he’s saying are not entirely true. Now he’s mad at me, not talking to me, and sleeping downstairs in the couch.

I have read through all the workshops multiple times at this point. I understand most of the tools but putting them into practice seems to be escaping me. At the end of the argument, when he wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise, I told him I was done talking since he wouldn’t let me talk and I went upstairs to take a shower. That ended the argument. Was that handled correctly regardless of the fact that I messed up the bulk of the hour long “discussion”? What do I do tomorrow? We both work. Do I text him good morning like normal? Do I say anything about our argument tonight? Do I wait for him to text me?

I really need help in creating a better relationship. The fighting is not only affecting me but my two children as well. My teenager told me last week how the constant fighting has her on edge and she was just diagnosed with anxiety. These are my children with my ex husband. My current husband and I have no children together.

Please help!
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Woolspinner2000
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2007



« Reply #1 on: September 23, 2022, 11:37:32 AM »

Hi Slothie83,

Thanks for sharing your post. Something that has often helped me when there's that constant conflict and long discussion is to use the Don't JADE technique.

Have you ever tried this? I continue to use it in my every day interactions, and it helps a lot. It's a work in progress because I want to justify and argue and defend and explain. Are you like that too?

Would you like to go on the trip with him?

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Wools
Logged

There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.  -C.S. Lewis
Slothie83

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 21


« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2022, 04:28:45 PM »

Hi Wools!

I try really hard not to JADE initially and I try to remember to validate his feelings, but after awhile I just can’t anymore. Too much is said. He will also ask me questions like, why do I think he does XYZ. It’s hard to explain but they’re basically questions that either have what should be an obvious answer that he’s asking in such a way to put me down and raise himself up.

I wouldn’t mind going in a trip at all. He used the example of me saying no to a trip as the time I wouldn’t call in to work, lie about a family emergency, and go for a week long trip. He wanted to leave literally right then. I wouldn’t do it. For me, a week long trip with two kids takes some preplanning and I work at a job that would’ve have been very affected by my calling in.

He hasn’t talked to me all day today. I haven’t reached out to talk to him either. I guess I’ll just let it play out. I’m emotionally exhausted.
Logged
Rev
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced and now happily remarried.
Posts: 1389


The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #3 on: September 23, 2022, 06:32:37 PM »

Hi there Slothie...

Um... I must admit that I was a little provoked by the behavior of your H as you described it - and the part that got me was about being emotionally exhausted.

Somewhere in there you are being hooked into something that is draining you. Applying techniques works best when we understand our own limitations.  I almost get the impression that he's wearing you down until you either give in - and he gets what he wants - or you say something you almost immediately regrat - and he gets what he wants.

So - I'm wondering - maybe just on a hunch - could you say more about that last line - "I'm emotionally exhausted"?  

Otherwise, hang in there. You sound like a sympathetic and kind person looking to do the right thing and still be left feeling appreciated.

Rev
Logged
Slothie83

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 21


« Reply #4 on: September 23, 2022, 07:38:48 PM »

Hi Rev,

I’m not sure what his intentions are. During our conversation last night I even told him I’m more than willing to go on a trip, I just needed some advance notice to put in vacation time at work. That wasn’t good enough for him. He told me to quit my job because I hate it anyway and we’d be fine. I do vent about my job maybe once or twice a week and I have been looking for a new one but I definitely don’t want to quit it without something else lined up or get fired. Is almost like he wants me that much more dependent on him that I have no income if my own. We have separate bank accounts because I can’t trust him financially.

The emotional exhaustion comes into play because he twists things into being all my fault. I am to blame for not going on trips, for not letting him be himself, for not letting him tickle me when he wants to, for him selling his car, and so much more. If he hates me so much and sees me as so horrible why doesn’t he just leave?

Meanwhile I’ve been dealing with his what I strongly suspect is BPD along with alcoholism and I’m just tired. Talking with a friend today I admitted that I just don’t know what to do anymore. I know I don’t deserve to be treated like this but the thought I’d going through a second divorce is so overwhelming and depressing.

I’m trying to cut down in the arguing and maybe have him stop seeing me as the total problem, but I feel like I need a phd in psychology to be successful!
Logged
Rev
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced and now happily remarried.
Posts: 1389


The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2022, 05:24:10 AM »

Hi Rev,

 I know I don’t deserve to be treated like this but the thought I’d going through a second divorce is so overwhelming and depressing.

I’m trying to cut down in the arguing and maybe have him stop seeing me as the total problem, but I feel like I need a phd in psychology to be successful!

So... I can TOTALLY empathize. In fact WOOLSIE here was a great help. No one can tell you what to do. The only thing that you can do is get your heart into a place that is unencumbered by the trials it is carrying and discern.

The words above - from what I read - there's your hook right there.

I'm not big on suggesting books, so I'll ask first. Would you like to read a book? Some people like to use them to discern. For others, it can cause further confusion.

In the meantime, hang in there.

Let me know about the book.

Rev
Logged
Slothie83

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 21


« Reply #6 on: September 24, 2022, 06:45:27 AM »

I would definitely appreciate a book suggestion! I have read Stop  Walking on Eggshells.
Logged
Rev
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced and now happily remarried.
Posts: 1389


The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #7 on: September 24, 2022, 08:32:16 AM »

I would definitely appreciate a book suggestion! I have read Stop  Walking on Eggshells.

https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-Help/dp/B07ZJVPL39/ref=sr_1_1?adgrpid=1352399535095252&hvadid=84525482528484&hvbmt=bp&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=125233&hvnetw=o&hvqmt=p&hvtargid=kwd-84525141028320%3Aloc-32&hydadcr=22428_13386908&keywords=books+attac

An excellent resource recommended by a well respected clinical psych in the area that I live and someone I trained under.

It's legit.

Rev
Logged
Woolspinner2000
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2007



« Reply #8 on: September 24, 2022, 01:35:29 PM »

Hi again Slothie83,

Thank you for explaining what is going on and giving us greater detail. You're doing a good job in sharing with us. I wanted to point that out because often in these types of relationships, it's easy to feel as if you're a poor communicator. I wanted to validate you, that you're doing just fine. Really.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Rev gave you a good book suggestion,  and I'd also like to share one:  Stop Caretaking theBorderline or Narcissist. This book has been immensely helpful to me, showing me what was going on as well as my own contributions to the situations.

I definitely am also picking up on your emotional exhaustion.  When our SO tries to continue to engage using long, dramatic conversations, it is a ploy to keep us engaged and "hooked." Let me encourage you to keep your answers BIFF (brief, informative,  factual and friendly), and walk away. Do not engage. You can only control you. Debating and trying to answer his questions is exactly as you said,

Excerpt
Is almost like he wants me that much more dependent on him that I have no income if my own. We have separate bank accounts because I can’t trust him financially.

Don't quit your job. Find safe people to talk with about it, and don't give in to the attempts at power over you.

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Wools
Logged

There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.  -C.S. Lewis
Couscous
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1072


« Reply #9 on: September 24, 2022, 03:37:05 PM »

Hi Slothie83,

Since you mentioned his drinking I thought I would give a shout out for Al-Anon. I just started going to meetings last month and have been getting a lot out of it and find it very helpful.
Logged
Slothie83

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 21


« Reply #10 on: September 24, 2022, 03:54:33 PM »

Thanks for the book recommendations Rev and Wools!

Couscous, thanks for the suggestion!I’ve actually been involved in Al-Anon for a few years now. Initially I thought the problem was strictly alcoholism but now I believe it’s something else (BPD?) and alcoholism is one of the symptoms.

It’s been a difficult day. He still hasn’t said a word to me and it’s been almost 48 hours. I’m the one that hands out the olive branch normally so maybe he just doesn’t know what to do. I’m starting to doubt that waiting him out is the best decision though. Not that I wouldn’t talk to him if I need to, but I’m still hurt and the longer it takes him to reach out to me the more hurt I’m becoming. He left the house to go somewhere, no idea where though. I feel like I’m doing all this work to help our marriage, reading books, articles, analyzing myself. What is he doing? And I know that’s not a fair statement, I just feel alone right now.
Logged
Couscous
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1072


« Reply #11 on: September 24, 2022, 11:10:39 PM »

Excerpt
What is he doing? And I know that’s not a fair statement

It is a fair statement because he is doing nothing, and will continue doing nothing.

In light of this, I’m reminded of a book that may be quite useful to you, It Takes One to Tango.

Here’s a talk by the author: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tuGun-lFt70


Logged
Rev
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced and now happily remarried.
Posts: 1389


The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #12 on: September 25, 2022, 05:12:40 AM »

It is a fair statement because he is doing nothing, and will continue doing nothing.

In light of this, I’m reminded of a book that may be quite useful to you, It Takes One to Tango.

Here’s a talk by the author: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tuGun-lFt70




It's good video. I watched it. And I'd say that until he get's himself sober, then many things will be a challenge to take root.  Yes, I'd say that the alcholism is a symptom - it almost always is. Appearantly about 10 - 15 percent of the population have a real risk of physically becoming addicted and then the booze causes all other problems - which can mount up, etc. (But I digress).

I would encourage you to wait things out, maybe watch for smaller increments of his coming around, and tease him out.  At the same time, do check out Al-Anon. A support group will help you read yourself and develop some tools of your own to cope during these times where you need to ride things out.

Hang in there.

Rev
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!