I think my ex bf has bps. Recovering AA and re entered my life and our child’s?

[Atlantis8]

I’ll keep this short despite there being over a decade of history, all of ups and downs and my ex bf’s substance abuse. In short, I’ve realized my ex bf has a pattern of stonewalling me. During the beginning of our relationship years ago, he would disappear to seek rehab only to come back, and the cycle continued. First few months were great, then we’d have a disagreement or some sort of conflict and he’d book and ignore my calls/messages for months. My younger self wasn’t as affected because I’d let it run it’s course and he was back within 6 months. I got pregnant and he abandoned me for years, completely absent. I never put him on child support and raised our child and just kept moving forward, thanks to the amazing support system I had who kept me strong. Throughout the years of absence, he battled addiction and would reach out to me every few months, promise to come and disappear. I got used to it and never paid it much mins and just prayed he got it right one day; all the while taking his drunken calls to ensure his safety even though he didn’t deserve it. He finally got clean and after a year of sobriety, he returned. My one ask was that he does not come in and out because our child didn’t deserve to endure that chaos especially when I worked my butt off for years to give our child a safe, stable and loving environment. Again, first few months were amazing. He seemed well and our child and I were extremely happy. I thanked God for this turn around and for a moment felt relieved that all was finally going well. We never really addressed his absence or trauma as a result, he just came in like nothing happened and said he only wanted to look at the future and not the past. I went with it. Big mistake because after all the hurt he caused, we should have been able to sit down, at least acknowledge it and set some boundaries before moving forward. We didn’t, we just jumped into this happy phase, suddenly a family, and I went with it. A few months in and we had our first argument, I brought up some things of the past and admit I could have handled my emotions better, but he never acknowledges my emotions so I had an emotional outburst. What happened? Well he’s been stonewalling me for two months now. Said I triggered him and he needs time, never defined how much time. He maintains contact with our child, which I give him credit for, but will read but not respond to my messages asking for clarity and a solution moving forward, if not for me for our child at least. I’ve allowed him and our child to communicate with little involvement. I do monitor to an extent because our child is ten and still tender and new to all of this. But lately my child has expressed to me many emotions about why father stopped talking to me and why he keeps saying he’ll visit soon but doesn’t say when or show. Our child misses the dynamic we had jumped into and it’s like my heart is broken double, for me and our child who is just as confused as I am. I told our child that they should let their father know how they’re feeling but my child said “I’m afraid to say anything or the wrong thing because he might do to me what he did to you or leave again. I feel he uses leaving us as a weapon”. Strong statement for a child. Now I know I need to protect our child and the right thing to do is for both parents to have a conversation about it but ex bf absolutely does not respond to me. I’m seeking therapy but anyone have experience with this? I have no idea what to do. I’m leaning more towards blocking him out of our lives since we were happy and whole before he returned but I don’t want to do that to our child so I’m really stuck. I love this man but the pain and confusion he’s caused over the years has made me realize that he is deeply troubled and though I love him and my intentions are good, maybe letting him into our lives was a mistake? I’m trying to be compassionate with him, understanding that he is in very early sobriety and a relationship and becoming a new parent/father is a lot for him to process. I get that too. Just trying to find balance and be fair to everyone involved, especially and more importantly our child. Sorry for any typos, writing this in a rush. Praying for some feedback, as family doesn’t understand addiction or bps so they just tell me to remove him from our lives but I don’t want to act on impulse or react because I’m hurt. The initial silent treatment led me to severe anxiety, I couldn’t eat, it was the worst. Now I’m in a better place and trying to be rational and compassionate but do what’s best for me and my child.

We have over ten years history and he’s always held that he loves us but actions have been total opposite.

How long will this silent treatment last?
Does he realize the severity of this situation and how it might affect our child?

I understand there’s parallel issues, maybe bpd and his recovery and maybe he jumped in too soon and had to retreat to work on himself but is it fair to stonewall because of that?
He can’t tell our child he’s coming to see him soon and expect to not communicate with me? And even more give our child false hope.
So confused. I can’t even have a mature conversation with him about it because he just stonewalls.. I’ve read going no contact is an option but we have a child involved and I don’t want to hurt anyone, not even my ex even though Im disappointed in him. I just want a healthy safe dynamic but it’s proving impossible.  I’ve reached out since asking for clarity but again, he reads the texts but does not respond. Leaving everything in a limbo and leaving me with a big maybe. I would think even if sobriety were the issue he would at least be able to communicate and say something, anything. But nothing. I’m wondering if this is his way of ending things and he’s too afraid to say it? Still, after how good understanding I’ve been I would think he would realize that the right thing to do is just be upfront and honest. He’s holding onto personal belongings we left behind when we visited him and won’t send it back claiming it’s his. It’s so weird.

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[Cat Familiar]

That’s definitely a tough spot to be in. 

He is showing you who he is and your child seems to understand. I wouldn’t hold out any hope that he will be different in the future, so what you have already experienced is likely to recur.

Is this manageable on your end?

[Atlantis8]

Im not sure. How would one even manage? This is new to me now that our child is involved, before our child wasn’t so it was easy for me to manage or ignore at least. Is this behavior normal? I keep feeling guilt as if I’m at fault for having that emotional outburst, though it stemmed from him getting caught lying. Still I’m somehow blaming myself, which I know I shouldn’t.

[Cat Familiar]

Is his behavior normal? Absolutely not.

Is your behavior normal? Very likely so. It’s a reaction to emotionally unstable people.

Is your behavior optimal? No, not if you need to deal with an emotionally unstable person. That said, it’s something that most people, unless they’re working in the mental health field, don’t usually need to learn.

There’s much to learn here about protecting yourself and your child when you have someone with BPD in your life. Take a look at the Tools at the top of this page.

[Atlantis8]

Will do, just started here today and have already found helpful information. I will check out the tools. Thank you so much, this site is already giving me confidence that I can get the tools and info I need to have a better plan moving forward. Hugs! 

[Atlantis8]

So if I may ask, is it likely that he will return? He keeps telling our child he’s coming soon but won’t define when. I’m wondering if it’s time to have a chat with my child and let him down easy? It’s been two months of stonewalling so I’m thinking we might not see him again.

[Cat Familiar]

From his history, you could probably predict that better than we could. That said, I think it’s likely that he will return at some point, but who knows whether that will be in weeks or years.

You could let your child know that he is not a dependable reliable dad and that you’re very sorry, but that’s how it is. I would think that your child already understands this.

[Atlantis8]

Thanks again, definitely makes sense.