BPD stepmother making caring for dad with dementia a living hell

[comrademoog]

My father came down with alcohol-induced dementia and mobility issues two years ago. My relationship with my dad was distant prior to his diagnosis, predominantly because following therapy I was unable to forgive him for his enabling of my bpd mother (who I have been NC with for nearly 5 years) and the subsequent sexual, physical and verbal abuse I suffered from her. Despite this, I still have some affection for him as the more “normal” parent, although he was a distant, emotionally unavailable alcoholic, he did not savor in cruelty and games like my mother, and we shared the same taste in board games, films, and music, which we have always bonded over in our own way.

I got an emergency call from my stepmother (barely know her) explaining that their living situation was dire and that he needed care. For the purposes of this, I will name her N. Many years ago, he made me (female, only child, 32) his LPA.

I was encouraged by N to invoke the power of attorney so I could organise care, and house renovations and also get refunds on the thousands of pounds worth of money he lost to scams prior to his condition being diagnosed. I did so. I live in Wales, my dad and her live in England.

Initially, providing I was willing to engage in one-sided dumping conversations with her, she was friendly and helpful. My tasks combined with working full-time made it so I had to pull back on the daily 7 hours worth of phone calls pretty quickly. She took great umbrage with this and lashed out by picking at the carers. I’d get emails at 2am about a plate that had been left in the sink. She’d demand schedule changes, which I would organize, then be unhappy with these and ask for other changes, often reverting to what she originally asked for.

Next, she interrupted the house renovations halfway through by consistently abusing the builder, which was witnessed by the care staff. She was screaming at him for extended periods and also harassing him on his phone late at night and in the morning. All the work had been agreed upon between us prior and she had picked this particular builder because he’d done work before and she liked him.

Her reasoning behind the abuse was incoherent. She’d say that he was leaving rubbish when all I could see were piles of materials stacked in the garden. To top it off, after he left she then complained to me that the work was incomplete and blamed me for it!

Next, she began blockading the carers from coming in. She would stand at the door and refuse entry. I tried to talk to her about why, and she simply said that my dad didn’t need care and she didn’t want it anymore. It was completely insane, as he very clearly has care needs.

I had to invoke Social Services, who did a three-month investigation, the ongoing stress of which caused me to lose my job. During this time, she lied outright to Social Services multiple times, saying that they had no money and I was stealing from them, while in fact a very generous allowance for her personal costs and groceries was being transferred each month, as well as her having full access to my dad’s accounts as needed. The result was they asked for the care to be cut back by 5 hours, which I did immediately, and that anything less than 15 hours care a week would be seen as neglect due to my father’s declining condition.

She was unhappy with this and continued blockading the care. Around this time she also began telling extended relatives that I was stealing from my dad, telling that to my dad as well, while also sending me forged letters saying that my LPA had been revoked. I tried to talk to her about it but she denied everything. I had to start another Social Services investigation and a police one. The second round of stress caused a nervous breakdown.

Next, she began rinsing the accounts. Spending upwards of £200 a week on groceries and various cash transactions. I accepted that she had been rinsing him for a while and made sure the bills and care costs were coming out of separate accounts so they would not be compromised by her overspending. She ran out of money through odd cash withdrawals and took my dad to the bank to write a cheque. This was flagged by the bank as suspicious and they shut down all the accounts. She then rang me blaming me for taking all the money, when in fact there was money in the accounts! She had just spent £600 past what the standard, very generous budget was.

This resulted in the third round of Social Services, police, and bank security. During this time I was liable for my dad’s care costs, which total thousands a month. I couldn’t even pay the care agency with the account until it was sorted, and in the interim, I was getting debt collection letters from everything unpaid on his accounts.

During this time, again, she bad-mouthed me to Social Services, although all was evident when they saw the accounts, and also saw substantial amounts going to both her and groceries. She also told them she was in credit card debt, when I had helped pay off all her credit card debts a few months prior thanks to the refunds.

I then had to lock down all the accounts. I organized the grocery shopping with the care agency and encouraged emails from both the care agency and N for anything that was needed. Ironically, she then complained to Social Services that she wasn’t getting ENOUGH care support, and blamed me for reducing the hours when that was what she specifically requested.

Since then, the behavior towards the carers has gotten even worse. On average she loses about two carers a month who quit on the spot due to the dire treatment. Last week, she shouted at a carer for over an hour for placing a mug in the cupboard facing a different direction from the others. She will also throw tantrums and storm out of the house, leaving carers unsure of what to do.

She has also started blockading them again. This bothers me not only due to the lack of care for my dad but also because without prior notice we lose the money for the care. Literally, hundreds down the drain each month, while all our bills are literally doubling (cost of living crisis in the UK).

I have explained this gently and calmly to her (she denied at first, I ignored it), just encouraging her to not cancel at the last minute. However, whenever I cancel the care in advance to her requests, she will then get angry it is not available. She now has asked for a new schedule and the care agency just won’t accommodate her. They physically can’t, too many carers refuse to work with her and we have changed the shift patterns too frequently. The slots just aren’t there. I will, of course, take the brunt of this when I have to explain that.

So yeah, that’s another thing, my mother has BPD and I’ve not spoken to her for five years. N purposely gave my mother my contact details and told me so directly. She also reported me to the Court of Protection and I have been under investigation. During this time I could tell from the kind of specific questions they were asking that they had been “primed” for the task, if you get what I mean.

It’s been very traumatic. I wondered if anyone had any advice for how to deal with this situation. N’s malice and general irrational irresponsible behavior are making caring for my dad a living hell. I’d do pretty much anything at this point to just keep the peace. I have accommodated her so many times for her requests, but her wants and needs change with the winds. Weirdly, she seems to be most upset when things are relatively peaceful. Honestly, even if anyone just had some theories explaining how these actions fit into typical BPD behaviour molds (like, why any of this? So much of it is just shooting herself in the foot) that would be reassuring. It's so unsettling combined with my pre-existing trauma.

[livednlearned]

Wow, it does sound like living hell.

Your stepmom seems to be on an emotional roller coaster, trying to get everyone else to hop on  Not to mention she appears to be a high-conflict personality (HCP). Bill Eddy refers to HCPs as those who recruit negative advocates, have a target of blame, are persuasive blamers, and have a PD. Not all people with BPD are HCPs, but HCPs all have some kind of PD.

You must be exhausted, comrademoog. It's deeply painful to survive the kinds of abuse you did, and I completely understand finding a small bit of solace in the less bad parent, even if that parent fails to fully show up and protect you. And now, to discover your stepmother has a PD and is traumatizing you again, making it challenging you for to protect and care for your dad, to make an understatement.

I'm not familiar with how things work in the UK ... my experience with a personality disordered person and the legal system is in the US, and while the two systems are different, I suspect there are many similarities. Do you have legal counsel to help you with these investigations? The tricky part of BPD is that the issue is one a pattern of behavior, and it takes time and documentation to shine light on those behaviors.

I am familiar with the whiplash accusations from a disordered person deep into a dysregulation, potentially experiencing "reality-based" psychosis. Your stepmother sounds very dysregulated and not someone capable of the responsibility required to care for your dad, though clearly she is functioning at a convincing level (unless people witness the pattern of behaviors over time and begin to connect the dots).

Do you sense she is able to curb her behaviors when it serves her?

I will say about my very disordered ex who litigated the custody of our child for 4 years straight -- when he was given a consequence severe enough, he could reign in his behaviors. 

What leverage do you have with your stepmom? Is there a possibility social services would have her removed from the home, or have your dad moved elsewhere? I'm not sure how things work when it comes to elder law. Or perhaps there is a possibility that your dad's estate runs out of money?

I'm so sorry you lost your job over this and suffered a breakdown. I understand completely how the adversarial processes involved in the system can make things ten times more stressful when you're dealing with someone so disordered.

Unfortunately, your stepmother does not sound like someone capable of being peaceful. Where does the issue with the Court of Protection stand? Would you say your stepmom is not aware how much worse things can get for her if you are removed as LPA (if that is what she's going for ...?)

Glad you posted here and reached out for support. It's hard to explain to people unfamiliar with BPD what it's like to deal with these situations. People here get it and can walk with you.

 

[Couscous]

Good grief, it sounds like a veritable living nightmare. So very sorry that you’re dealing with all of this.

It sounds a lot like N is a high-conflict pwHPD (histrionic personality disorder), although she may have any number of the other Cluster B disorders as well.

Keeping the peace is next to impossible with people like this because peace triggers in them terrible feelings that they find intolerable, such as fear, shame and emptiness, so they essentially self-medicate by creating chaos, in much the same way that an alcoholic uses alcohol.

Here’s an excerpt about HCPs from Bill Eddy’s book, It’s All Your Fault:

https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/hci-articles/excerpt-its-all-your-fault-histrionics

[Riv3rW0lf]

I agree with Couscous those behaviors sound even  more intense than BPD behaviors, and this is horrible, to be stuck in this situation, my heart goes out to you.

Is there any option in the UK where YOU could start an investigation in HER behaviors on the account of it being dangerous for your father? Trying to throw her out of the house kinda deal?

Some people can't be helped. And I understand doing mostly what she wants in an effort to buy peace, but like you saw, those kinda people see it as weakness and will double down on their efforts to create chaos. So sometimes, what they teach us is to start showing teeth.

[Methuen]

I am so sorry for all that has happened.  This is brutal.

I’d do pretty much anything at this point to just keep the peace.

N knows this, and is using it.  If I were to suggest that she was actually "thriving" on the chaos she is creating, would that fit?

My advice is to stop trying to help her, as she has twisted your well meaning support into actions which feed her hurricane of disorder.  You have entered the black hole.

The problem is that your dad is still in her care.

I am not familiar with the "systems" in the UK.  1) Have you already (or could you) ask the health care social worker to complete an assessment to determine if he qualifies for complex care in a facility?  Even if this move isn't seen as a desirable option, he will probably get treated better than she is treating him. When my dad was at home ill with Parkinson's and dementia, my uBPD mom couldn't "handle" having him around, even though in public she pretended she was his loving doting wife (a hollywood performance).  In fact she was horribly abusive and screaming at him that he was a retard.  We got a social worker and supervisor involved and disclosed what we were seeing which dad affirmed in a private meeting with them.  They did assessments on him.  I think it all helped move him into a facility faster, even though mom fought that because it was important to her to "look" like she was taking care of him.  She was a trained nurse, although she never nursed much.  Dad telling his truth to the supervisor in confidence was an important step.  If your dad isn't prepared to do that, there may not be much you can do.
2) Are you in a position to seek legal advice?  Since your step-mother is gaslighting and going to police saying that you are stealing from him, a lawyer would be a helpful and objective way to dig to the truth.  I realize you have lost your job, but if this is something you could afford, it might be worth it.  It sounds like step-mother is after his money.
3) Do you see a counsellor or therapist for yourself?  What's happening to you is crazy, and your dad is suffering too.  This forum is amazing, but many of us also see a therapist.  It all helps.
4) My mom is uBPD and 86 and elderly and living independently, although I have had people tell me she belongs in long term care, not even assisted living.  She refuses assisted living, and abused and later cancelled her home supports as well.  About 3 years ago (I am 60) I started to finally understand that "talking" to her, trying to "reason" with her or explain or argue anything was a complete "waste" of time with ZERO chance of making a difference.  At some point, I figured out that I needed to stop beating my head against the brick wall if I was going to save myself, and have an independent life with my husband.  She needs to have the opportunity to live with the natural consequences of her current decisions.  My suggestion for you is to stop trying to "figure out" her behaviors, about-faces, and irrationality.  It's a waste of energy.  You can't rationalize with mental illness. Don't let her take you down before she takes herself down.

I have accommodated her so many times for her requests, but her wants and needs change with the winds. Weirdly, she seems to be most upset when things are relatively peaceful.

Her needs and wants change because her emotions are dysregulated with the stress of your father's needs.  Her emotions are like a hurricane, and that's not likely to change until your father is no longer in her care, and possibly when she has his money.  If he still has mental "competence" to choose staying with her versus moving into a facility, and he chooses to stay with her, that's on him.  If he chooses a facility instead, then you could get the wheels in motion.  If he doesn't have mental competence, it should expedite his movement to a facility if you are involved.  As to why she seems worse when things are relatively peaceful, it's because "chaos" is her normal.  Without chaos, she can't be comfortable.  This was explained to me by a T a very long time ago.  Picture a box.  Inside the box is chaos.  That is where she is most comfortable.  This is "her box". Outside the box is peace.  When life moves outside of her box, she can't handle it, and needs to create chaos again to move back inside the box.

Our challenge is to not get drawn inside their boxes with them.

4) The best defense is a great offense. This is what your mother is doing.  This is why she is attacking you by calling police and the court of protection.  She has been taking his money for her needs.  She will have her own way of thinking and believe it is hers to take.  But at the core of her onion (many many layers deep), there is rot. This is why she is attacking you, so that any blame or wrong doing is directed at someone else.

Have you ever phone recorded your step-mom?  Objective evidence could be useful for you.  Otherwise it's your word against hers, and she's a hollywood actress. I'm not sure it would be admissable in court, but it might get a lawyer or a social worker to listen to you, since she's already been busy "priming" the court of protection and others.  

Do you have advocates (i.e. social worker, doctor) who can advocate for you and/or your dad?

 

[Notwendy]

I wish I had some advice for you. I think the best I can do is tell you that you are not alone. My father passed away after a long illness a while ago. I tried to help my parents at the time, but it all seemed to just backfire. He didn't give me access to their funds or make me POA. All this was in BPD mother's hands.

I guess my also best advice is to do what you can for your father, but also take care of yourself.