How much to help

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My 25 year old daughter has started therapy for BPD.  I thought she was just lazy and disorganised, but her lack of achievement since uni was a sign.  She is on a social grant because she is unemployed.  She doesn't seem in any hurry to find work.  She is living in a small flat of ours and she pays over the social housing component.  This has worked well for a while, but she does tend to end up in a huge rubbish tip in there without me interferring - rubbish piles up etc.  The flat is fine but not big or bright - small windows.  We have another flat she wants to move into because it's nicer and brighter but this will be expensive for us to let her live there (we normally rent it out).  We could just about manage but I'm not sure that this would be this enabling thing you all talk about on the forum.  I just worry that perhaps it would be better for her to "get better"(?) in a nicer place with more daylight.  She tells me that I care more about money than her mental health.  Any advice?

[atthebeginning]

My 25 year old daughter has started therapy for BPD.  I thought she was just lazy and disorganised, but her lack of achievement since uni was a sign.  She is on a social grant because she is unemployed.  She doesn't seem in any hurry to find work.  She is living in a small flat of ours and she pays over the social housing component.  This has worked well for a while, but she does tend to end up in a huge rubbish tip in there without me interferring - rubbish piles up etc.  The flat is fine but not big or bright - small windows.  We have another flat she wants to move into because it's nicer and brighter but this will be expensive for us to let her live there (we normally rent it out).  We could just about manage but I'm not sure that this would be this enabling thing you all talk about on the forum.  I just worry that perhaps it would be better for her to "get better"(?) in a nicer place with more daylight.  She tells me that I care more about money than her mental health.  Any advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hello atthebeginning, welcome to the group 

Lots going on with your family and your D25 -- with some positive signs in there, namely, that she's getting therapy and she is not living directly with you.

Can I ask, when did you find out about BPD? Was it when your D started therapy for it? Or earlier -- for example, did she get a diagnosis before starting therapy?

If she got a diagnosis, how did she handle that -- was she accepting of the diagnosis?

If I'm reading your user name correctly, you're at the beginning  of a different kind of journey, one with a child with a long term mental health challenge. So it's really natural that you're asking questions like -- should I be more supportive of her, should I take out her rubbish, should we move her into nicer housing, should we XYZ...

Figuring out the most loving support for an adult child wBPD is a tricky needle to thread. It's so good that you're asking yourself questions like:

We could just about manage but I'm not sure that this would be this enabling thing you all talk about on the forum.

as it sounds like you want to be healthily supportive, not overinvolved or overfunctioning.

Her response

She tells me that I care more about money than her mental health.

led me to think of an acronym we use here: FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). We have a workshop on it here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

and I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on if you think it applies to your relationship with your D or not.

Keep us posted on how you and your family are doing, and again, welcome to the site!

kells76

[Sancho]

Hi Atthebeginning
I read your post and it took me on a journey back to my past. The situation with my dd is very different - just from the little you say - but the housing/support situation rings a bell.

I tried to set dd up independently in a small dwelling. She is unable to deal with routine home cleanliness or maintenance but I thought the chance to have the responsibility would be beneficial.

What I see now is that the inability to maintain a place is part of her illness. It is not part of everyone's but my dd's illness is complex. She tries but her mental health is not up to the task.

I still have a $20 000 debt from trying to help dd in this way. But your post took me back to what was going around in my head at that time. It was the possibility that it might help her that in the end won out against the evidence I knew that she really couldn't cope managing a place herself.

It seems from what you say that your dd struggles to maintain a small place and that to move to the other place would put you under some financial strain. It is an important decision because it would be very difficult to reverse.

If I had known then what I know now about bod I wouldn't have gone down the path of setting up dd.

It is a tough call, but perhaps just leaving things as they are for a few years, focus on the treatments/help etc and to work with dd to develop routines that might help her with organisation etc.

BPD is a very difficult illness - for all involved - and perhaps think in terms of small steps. Research shows that the symptoms of BPD can lessen considerably in the 30-40 age group and your dd by starting with support now could be well placed for things to improve.

I hope so. Thanks for posting.

[atthebeginning]

Hi Kels76

Thank you for your help.

Can I ask, when did you find out about BPD? Was it when your D started therapy for it? Or earlier -- for example, did she get a diagnosis before starting therapy?
If she got a diagnosis, how did she handle that -- was she accepting of the diagnosis?

A few months ago, she was living in the nice apartment and the "deal" was that she must keep it clean or go back to the other "not so nice" apartment.  We went away for about 6 weeks working abroad and got back and the place as a tip.  I had agreed with her before that if she couldn't take care of herself and the flat, then we would have to sell it and find a bigger place so we could all live together and we could take care of her.  We rented out our family home since she went to uni.
So we arrived back and the flat was a tip and I started tidying up and she seemed accepting that she'd bust her last chance (after many others before).  She was tidying up with me, popping out for multiple cigarettes and we ate and stayed the night with her.  Half way through the night, the police turn up at the door - turns out she had been leaving social media status updates which her friends would see which said that she was going to commit suicide.  She had switched off her phone sp that her friends couldn't reach her.  And she had played the whole evening as "normal" - eating, TV, chatting, sleeping.  Her friends had called the police who had come to investigate.  I woke her up, she talked to them privately - a social worker turned up and she talked privately to them too.  Then the police came back to inform us that she was admitting herself to hospital for treatment.
It was a mental health ward and we visited a few times and they wanted to release her after 3 weeks back to the flat she had wrecked (which we were staying in).  Long story but because she wanted no interference from us any more, she finally accepted that she should move back to the old "not so nice" one where we wouldn't bother her - and the hospital had arranged a weekly therapist.  During this therapy, she informs us that she has been diagnosed.

Her response led me to think of an acronym we use here: FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). We have a workshop on it here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0
and I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on if you think it applies to your relationship with your D or not.

Yes, it's common sense she needs someone to blame because that makes it easier on whatever conscience she has at  the moment.
I've just started "Stop Walking on Eggshells" so we'll see how that goes!

I'm torn between thinking she is making the most enormous con out of this situation or she is genuinely ill.  She has always been quite lazy, but the few holiday jobs she has had, she has been a consciencious and hardworking employee - always on time etc.  She tells me that she can silo the right behaviour for work but not in her personal life; that makes no sense to me, but it is what it is.

I've just started to say no when she asks for money, so that's one more hurdle we're over.  I let her move back into the nicer flat (because I can sleep better at night) and we can manage as long as she pays us the housing element of her social allowance.  I think the next hurdle might be when she doesn't pay, but in the UK you can elect to receive those funds direct from the government, so I'll probably arrange that.

If I get that sorted then we don't need to communicate and she can make a mess of the place as she likes and sort it out herself.  Obviously, we'll always be here to help emotionally, but as I've learnt from this forum, we shouldn't be doing anything for them that they should be doing for themselves.  So, no more extra money - she gets enough to live on if she is frugal.  No more cleaning up - I'm just not going round there at all. I've read enough on this forum to know that we should value ourselves first and our adult BPD chidren need to come second.

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories... I'm a newbie, but you have already saved me from insanity!

[atthebeginning]

I forgot to mention, she is very happy that she has been diagnosed.  She sees this as validating her behaviour and is using it now as an excuse not to look for work.  We WhatsApp regularly (since there is always something admin-wise to sort out with social benefits and signing forms of some sort).
Since she has been diagnosed, she texts more often that she's having a bad mental health day.  When I'm in a cynical mood, I think that she has fallen on her feet with a great excuse never to lift another finger.