Birthday party

[Anonymous22]

My daughter's (his step daughter) birthday party was this weekend.  My uBPDh woke up in a good mood the morning of the party.  He asked if he could help with anything and said that he would be available to help with anything that day if I needed anything.  I told him a thing or two that would help if he could do it and that I still had an errand or two to do so if he could go with me to do them that would be great...2 adults looking after 5 kids is easier than 1.  He agreed!  My oldest son (his step son) had stayed at a friend's house the night before and while this family is a good friend of all of ours, for some reason my husband has decided that he will not have anything to do with this family any more...I assume his justification is because they are part of the football team we play on and my husband believes that I am sleeping with all of my kid's coaches  so he will not attend any of their games or practices.  My justification is that he is embarrassed that he has not attended and knows that he will get called out for not going.  My husband was procrastonating getting ready to start his day, so around 1 I asked him if he was going to be ready to go soon.  He told me that he still wanted to work out and then he would get ready so I should just take my 4 kids and go and he would stay at home with "his" daughter (my stepdaughter).  I said ok, got the kids in the car, then remembered that our friend was going to drop my son off, so ran back in to let my husband know that he would be home sometime soon.  My husband told me that he thought that I was going to pick my son up, then we would go together to go do the errands.  I brought the kids inside, and we waited for my son to get home...and my husband to workout and shower.  My son came home and I started to get things ready to go again, and my husband said, why don't you and the 4 kids go and my stepdaughter and him will stay home.  I asked him why he choose to do that since we could have already done these errands.  He said that I was walking around looking like I was up to something and he doesn't want to be involved with me.  Ok...so we left.  We get home and they are gone.  They went and got lunch for just the 2 of them.  We go to the party, the kids had a blast.  My husband didn't talk to a single person and only involved himself with who he considers his kids (our 2 and my stepdaughter).  He was not nice to anyone when they asked for anything and when I asked him to light the candles since I don't know how to use a lighter he started in, but stopped when I walked away as I didn't want to ruin the party.  We got home.  My husband ignored my daughter who had her party all night.  The next day I go to do laundry.  Apparently, I didn't turn the light on in the laundry room...not anything I notice...so my husband started screaming at me saying that I am up to something shady in the laundry room and NEVER to do his laundry again.  OK.  Then this morning, my husband gets up at 2:30 am.  Goes and works out in the basement then comes up and turns the shower on.  I shower every day I work (today) at 4:10 am.  Of course he gets in the shower at 4:07 am.  I got up early as I wanted to decorate the house as it is another one of my daughter's birthdays today.  He goes off on me, that I am shady because I got up early (mind you he is showering 2 hours earlier than normal).  I go downstairs to shower.  I then start to blowdry my hair.  He comes in and yanks the plug from the wall and says you will never blow dry your hair up here again...its too loud.  Ok. So I go back downstairs.  (Oh...and about 5 days ago he told me that after my daughters party that he would be moving into the downstairs bed room...ok...that hasn't happened).  He then tells me that I better set an alarm because he is not waking my kids (his 2 step kids) up for school any more...or doing anything to help get them out the door to school.  Ok.  So I get everything ready for the kids...alarm, breakfast, pack backpacks, water, decorate for daughter's birthday...etc all of which means that I am late for work, luckily my work is understanding.  Since I have started to become me again...my husband has gotten worse...but I now see many of the lies that he is creating and how he wants me and my kids to feel.  He does absolutely nothing in the house any longer...does not lift a finger...and that is not an exaggeration and then has the balls to say to my stepdaughter that we live in such a messy house.  Oh...and he won't allow her to lift a finger either.  He also won't pay a single penny to our credit card bill, yet he has no problem using it.  He barely works (I don't know how he still has a job).  He helps with his kids when it is convenient for him.  Smokes weed most nights lately...though usually only rare days when he is regulated.  I have come to the conclusion that it is because I do everything...he doesn't have to worry about anything because he knows that I will do it.  Yesterday, he started to walk out to bring the trash can in...saw me driving down the street and then he stopped...he thought I would do it.  Nope!  Has anyone else had these same issues...of their pwBPD doing nothing?  How do you deal with it?  Do I stop paying the credit card?  Do I stop doing the house work?  All I want to focus on is the kids!  Sorry that this is so long...I really needed to vent!  I am hoping that I am posting this correctly as I haven't gotten a response to the last couple of posts that I have made...so please let me know if I am doing something wrong!
Thanks all!           

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hey Anonymous22, while I can't catch your whole post right now, I just wanted to say that you're doing great here, you're posting in the right spot, and you aren't doing anything wrong  This is a good group where you can let out what is going on, no worries!

I also notice that you're looking for suggestions, solutions, ideas for moving forward. That's a really great mindset to be in. Get your vent out and also see what you can tweak, where you can make changes, what's under your control. Good stuff.

Wish I had a little more time, just wanted you to know that you're doing fine here -- this is a place where you can relax and be you.

[Anonymous22]

Thanks!  I wanted to reach back out to see if anyone had any suggestions to my questions.  My gut feeling is to step back on all that I do.  Do what I feel I need to do to make myself and my kids happy and just leave the rest.  I am exhausted from doing it ALL and always worrying that my ALL isn't enough or will throw him over the edge (even though logically I know that I have no control over that).  We are on day 7 of him essentially ignoring me and my oldest 2 kids.  As always, it hurts, as I long for his attention and true love, but in all honesty it is so much better than the crazy ups and downs.  I hate that he completely ignores my older 2 kids and is all over my step daughter and our 2 younger kids, but I believe that is so much better as well.  My daughter told me the other day that this year dad actually hasn't yelled at us when getting ready for school.  I know that he ignores them, but they understand that has to do with him and not them.  I see those 2 kids growing into amazing human beings (smart, athletic, caring, creating great friendships, etc), creating a wonderful life for themselves, even with the crap that they may or may not have to deal with at home.  I worry about my younger 2 whom he is trying to enmesh with, amazing kids and I hope he allows them to grow into their own human being. I see his pattern of struggle every second and I see him trying to plant things to make me struggle (and spy on me...searching my phone, watching me on the baby monitor, for all I know he has cameras hidden in the house) so that he can feel better knowing that I care so much about him.  While I have gotten a lot better, sometimes he succeeds at making me struggle...I just hope that this lessens slightly every day.  He was up at 2:30 again this morning, watching tv.  He has told me in the past that he can't sleep unless he is laying next to me, our kids always end up in bed with us, so in the past I have always gotten up and moved next to him in the middle of the night, but I haven't felt like doing so in the last month or so, so I haven't.  (I think that this has made him do more of his ignoring of me, etc)  I have always pushed aside all of the horrible things he has said and done to the kids and I, and while I still understand he has a problem, I am starting to follow my feelings.  Yes, I want to feel close to him (the him I love) but not the him that just accused me and my kids of such crap, etc.  and thats who seems to show up 80% of the time now.  Who refuses to wake up an elementary school aged and early middle school aged kid so that they can go to school...and who makes a sibling walk their younger sibling to a before school club yet when regulated speaks about how he always worries for their safety when they are out around the neighborhood by themselves.  I usually can break his cycle by reaching out physically.  The question is...do I want to do that?  Yes, I want happiness for all, but we all know that the happiness will be followed by crap as the roller coaster will always continue on...until he actually accepts help and truly dives into that help...and I am not sure I actually ever see that happening...