How to ask for a relationship break without making things worse?

[ShellyBean]

I could really do with some support and advice. I have been with my LO with BPD nearly 5 years. We sort of live together 80% of the time - I say sort of, because when he dysregulates - severely - on average every 10 days or so, I'm told to leave with varying levels of verbal abuse - and to leave me key etc. I end up travelling 100 miles to my home extremely upset and then I am berated agin for not coming straight back etc and so the emotional roller coaster continues and my mental health then suffers which my LO thinks I should just get over...
We are not young (early 50's) and I have a 14 yr old son from a previous relationship whom I see 2 days a week (that's another long, emotional and stressful story in itself.)
As a result, I also travel home each week to see him. Usually, my LO understands and supports this when regulated. However, when he is stressed and has too many things to do, and depends on me, his BPD gets worse he (his words) 'begs' me to stay (He asks - and I try to rationalise and compromise explaining my beliefs and values and dare to try set boundaries - always stormy still.)
He then accuses me of prioritising my son every time. This is not true and I am ashamed to say, I have sometimes let my son down last minute and changed plans too many times in a short space of time to accommodate my LO.
I just can't do that to my son. I myself, like some stability and if I promise something, I like to stick to it and if I have to rearrange something then I believe 24 hrs notice is the limit - especially with a child (even a smelly teen who often does take parents for granted etc) He is my son.
As I say, I have tried to explain this to my LO, but it feels like it falls on deaf ears. We have not seen each other for a week, he knows and Ive repeated that I won't answer phone unless he can communicate with me - not talk at me, shout or what's worse I have discovered from my own past trauma, is to use a low, menacing voice which he deems as calm..
Ive tried to be as validating as I can and not responded/ignored the  nasty texts.
He says its over, wants me to collect my stuff asap (Ive no transport and no one to turn too to help even if I wanted to collect)and wants money he's spent on me paid back etc (All very intimidating) But again, Ive tried hard to not take it personally and not react with anger 

Last night he says 'come' Not respectful in itself. I explain trains are on strike, no buses, and certainly not being foolish and allowing either of us to pay for a taxi anymore and that I will come in the morning. Not good enough. He texts to say he ******* hates me and wishes me dead.

This morning I get another text saying I can come (even reading this I can see what a fool I am - since when did I allow myself to be treated like this? Jump? How high?)

Again I say I will, just have a few things to do - going for a swim, - my self care, although I was prepared to miss it. He replies 'go swim, take your time' I thank him for acknowledging this.

An hour later it starts again. "You're not coming... Come Saturday... Oh Im busy... Maybe Sunday... Oh but you're probably seeing your son Monday... Thursday?"

I can see where this is going. This is the revenge he threatens, playing games, tit for tat, I guess he is trying to prove a point that this is how I treat him ( not at all and very different circumstances as I have explained here about my son) and how do I like it?

I am so exhausted. I feel mentally broken again. I am sensitive but I am angry with myself for somehow finding myself as this weak person always trying to do right and getting it wrong.

I love my LO very much, but this is just so painful and I can't keep doing this. Even now I hold a glimmer of hope, and as much as I want to hurl a load of hurt and verbal abuse back at him ( which I know is not the right thing to do and will only make things worse)
I want our relationship to work.

I do think though it may be best, especially for me in the long run to take some time out - a month? Ive no idea... But how do I word this and express this in a validating way that will hopefully avoid another deregulating melt down?

Any suggestions would really be appreciated. My apologies if I've rambled, but I've so much on the inside that I can't express and when I do, I've no-one to talk too.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

You say you *want your relationship to work*. How do you see it working? What would things be like if it worked?

[arjay]

..."He then accuses me of prioritising my son every time. This is not true and I am ashamed to say, I have sometimes let my son down last minute and changed plans too many times in a short space of time to accommodate my LO.
I just can't do that to my son..."

Going to be blunt, because my counselor was the same with me: "Your son "is" your priority".  These developmental years shape the person he will likely become.  My daughter was impacted for several years.  I came to realize I was in a relationship with a grown woman that was an emotional-child.  I was neglecting my daugher; the innocent girl that didn't ask for any of it.  She (daughter) ended up in counseling while in college and we came to terms with all of it.  I am truly ashamed of how I was.  She is the light-of-my-life today and "nobody" and I mean "nobody" will ever make me "choose" again.

Any adult that doesn't understand nor accept your parental responsibility as coming "first" while the children are young, isn't going to be happy with the relationship; either never had children or isn't willing to accept it.  I wouldn't have dated "me" if I was a healthy woman and saw how my daughter took a back seat, especially if that woman had her own children.  Is your son going to end-up with a woman one-day that is "often not available" because that is all he knows?

Tell him you need to spend more time with your son (the truth) and then stick to it.  The relationship will go the way it will go.  Expect blaming/shaming/leaving/ultimatums from LO.  That is the nature of BPD.

All the best