Please tell me there are real success stories

[NBPDBMT]

Hello, first post.

I'm in the middle of moving in with my BPD SO and I need some support. I have two kids from a previous marriage and we share them half time with their mother. I didn't know anything about BPD when I started this relationship and she wasn't diagnosed until we were a year in but she's a pretty textbook case. High functioning but textbook. I love her dearly but I worry all the time about her, about me, about the kids, etc.

Can someone give me some reassurance that with work and time things get better? I know she can't be "cured" but there must be some happy endings?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Are you asking if things will get better than *now*?

[thankful person]

Hi NBP,
Welcome to the group.
I consider my own case a success story. My dbpd wife knows nothing of my journey on bpd family. But I have seriously improved my own quality of life and that of my children (more important as they didn’t choose an angry chaotic scary life). Through what I’ve learnt on here, my wife actually presents as much more sane. I am so happy it is untrue and I never thought I would say that. The people on here have been an amazing support. There is a thread of many success stories up the top of the page, and my story is quite near the end of it if you’re interested. Good luck with the journey. There is so much to learn and it was liberating to learn that I could change things myself, without directly wanting my wife to change or want to change.

[Notwendy]

How old are the kids?

You might be able to achieve some kind of happiness with this person because you are in love with her and choose this even if it's difficult at times.

But the kids didn't choose this person and they aren't in love with her and  they will experience the consequences of the relationship.

I don't know how competent their mother is but if she's a good mother- wouldn't it be better for them to live with a good mother full time than part time with you and a BPD partner?

If their mother isn't a competent mother, then they have some sense of stability when they stay with you. If you bring in a step mother with BPD- will this change their only stable space?

[waverider]

How old are the kids?

You might be able to achieve some kind of happiness with this person because you are in love with her and choose this even if it's difficult at times.

But the kids didn't choose this person and they aren't in love with her and  they will experience the consequences of the relationship.

I don't know how competent their mother is but if she's a good mother- wouldn't it be better for them to live with a good mother full time than part time with you and a BPD partner?

If their mother isn't a competent mother, then they have some sense of stability when they stay with you. If you bring in a step mother with BPD- will this change their only stable space?

Cant agree more with Notwendy on this one as this is my exact situation.

Reality is, no she is unlikely to be 'fixed" you may learn better coping skills but your quality of life will be far short of what you imagined it would be, and your children will be affected. This is my biggest regret that I put my kids through this with a part time step mum with these issues when they would have been far better off with a full time more adjusted family upbringing. This was my choice, my mistake even, my battle, not theirs's. Yes it is going to be a battle with much prolonged conflict.

Things may calm down and be more manageable, but the scars will remain and overtime resentment can build. Many of these "success" stories often tarnish overtime. Your kids may end up as survivors rather than thrivers. There are very few kids who have fond memories of being brought up with disordered step parents. Especially when they experience the stark contrast of normal life every other week. You may adapt to dysfunction as being some kind of normal, as it will be for you, but it is unlikely they will. Who knows what seeds may be sown in their minds.

Harsh words i know, but there is no room for delusions and magical thinking when entering a disordered relationship. There may be true success stories but the odds are stacked against you

[Notwendy]

 Your kids may end up as survivors rather than thrivers. There are very few kids who have fond memories of being brought up with disordered step parents. Especially when they experience the stark contrast of normal life every other week. You may adapt to dysfunction as being some kind of normal, as it will be for you, but it is unlikely they will.

This was a similar situation even with a biological mother. One difference though is that we kids feel a different sense of obligation to a biological mother than a step mother so I think we were willing to tolerate her behaviors more because of that. Not sure how we'd have felt about a step mother. Our relationship with a BPD mother isn't an easy one.

[waverider]

Kids could even hold the parent accountable for bringing the disordered step parent into their lives.

[Notwendy]

OP, I think you came here hoping it would be a situation that would work out for the entire family. Perhaps that's a bit of having your cake and eat it too ( when it comes to the kids ).

One reason we don't tell posters to stay or leave is that every situation is different. The ages of the kids are a consideration, although bringing in a new step parent has is a change for children of any age. How competent ( or "normal") a situation is with their biological mother is a factor- if she is disordered as well, then introducing another disordered person into their lives is one consideration. If she is not, then the choice might be that her home needs to be the primary home for the children.

In addition, BPD is a spectrum disorder. I my family, my BPD mother's behaviors are severe. My parents did not divorce but if they had, my choice would have been to live with my father. Had he married another woman with BPD, I don't know what that choice would have been. I did have an idea of "normal" when we stayed with relatives. If given the choice of a stable family home, I'd have chosen that.

You may be able to make it work with your BPD partner to some extent, but please be honest about what situation is best for the children.

WW, what has stood out to me with your posts is your clarity and awareness of your situation. I think this honesty with your children (age appropriate)  will go a long way in maintaining your relationship with them. As an adult, I see that these relationships are complicated, parents aren't perfect but I think authenticity makes a difference when relating to adult children.

[Manic Miner]

Can someone give me some reassurance that with work and time things get better? I know she can't be "cured" but there must be some happy endings?

Well...  

Sorry for not being that supportive, but after 23y of living together with my wife, I don't know if this was worth it. I certainly won't go the regret road. No regrets. We had some fantastic time together, honest, genuine, loving, pure. We still can, in traces.
But if I knew about this condition before, we probably wouldn't be together for this long. I'm still on the fence and in limbo on what to do.

The problem for me aren't just the effects of BPD, like rage or phases with anger. No. I can deal with that. What deeply disturbs me are the consequences of BPD and their coping mechanisms that can affect their personality even on a good day. Like, for example - projection, manipulation, exaggeration (lies), lack of responsibility, constant need for validation, poor sense of self, no steady grounds, drama.

Those issues impacted our relationship and our personal lives on a deeper level. When I learned about them, I was even worse, as something that I hoped would pass over time, could reach agreement or was accidental, was actually her coping mechanism and disordered thinking that is here to stay.

You can either accept this as a whole or not. The good news, if someone is really disordered (having more than just a few BPD traits), the cases vary and can be mild, high functioning. No case is alike. It's not always bad, it goes in waves and you can learn tools to manage the phases and reduce the flareups. The bad news is, this disorder is here to stay and there's no cure.

If you love your kids and think they will suffer somehow, rethink again and plan some strategy ahead. Maybe even consult your experienced therapist alone.

[SaltyDawg]

If you do move in, my advise, take is slow, I mean really really slowly.  Do not rush anything, especially having more children.

I deliberately took it slow, and still got burned.  Even though I was intensely love bombed (the beginning is that way), I took a full year to get engaged, and then another 1-1/3 years to get married - courtship was over two years (I knew something was off with the intense love bombing, and read somewhere it couldn't last for more than a few years, and in extreme cases a couple of years -- I was mistaken, it lasted just over five years in my case).  First symptoms I really noticed (suicide threat) was only two weeks after the three week honeymoon concluded.  I told her I felt this was a "bait and switch" and it was alluded that I might leave, love bombing resumed until we became pregnant (5 years after we started dating, and 3 years after marriage), two weeks after we found out, she changed again, and then the devalue phase kicked in as she knew in her mind that I was committed. Look at my other posts for more details.

Research as much as you can, go in with eyes wide open.  Make sure you can deal with all of the drama.

[Ergonomics]

Perhaps this perspective shift will help you, because it changed the game for me.

I came to this community hoping to learn skills to fix my partner. But after a while, I realized that I needed to learn skills to fix myself, and how I show up in the relationship, and to remove any behaviors that may make it harder for my partner, or worsen the feedback loop cycle.

One of the biggest thing I learned was the importance of creating emotional safety. That changed everything for us - Her commitment for the relationship is like never before, and the best part, I actually find tat she is so much more open to my coaching, the coaching of her therapist, and everyone as she feels safer.

[SilverSwan]

I wish someone had told me this at the beginning. Your love will not fix BPD.
Everyone around you will be impacted by the pwBPD. Its hard. Its crushing at times. It gets Harder to leave with time, not easier.  Do you want that to be the model you show your kids. Your kids will be impacted.
If you go this route keep enough money and support to leave in a flash. Don't tell the person w bpd just protect your kids.

[SaltyDawg]

SilverSwan,

   I didn't know what BPD was until earlier this summer, and I have been with my wife for over two decades...   I think that hers is somewhat camouflaged with OCPD in the mix too.

   I am really re-evaluating.  I come from a background, where marriage is a lifelong commitment and it has both 'good' and 'bad'.  How long is the 'bad' supposed to last.

   I recently read another post where someone quoted "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  I am really pondering this one.

   However, we are going to start a new 'couple's counselor' tomorrow, and I specifically asked for one that specialized in 'high conflict' relationships -- I will be giving it yet another chance.

   

[Sluggo]

It was really hard to have relationship.  I currently have difficult parental relationship with the older ones who experienced the chaos. The younger ones relationship is better as they experienced much less chaos as they live with me full time. 

Sluggo

[SaltyDawg]

Agreed.  My relationship with the younger child is better than the older one [for now].  Both are experiencing the chaos, the biggest difference is that I am home full time now instead of away at sea working, like I did previously 2019 and prior years.

[Couscous]

No to be too grim or anything, but so far there have been no happy endings in my family with multiple BPD family members.  

Depending on what your SO is like, your kids may well begin to refuse to spend time at your house, so just be prepared for that. Depending on how much energy you pour into your SO, they may also grow to resent you for not being emotionally available for them, and feel abandoned by you.  

[Notwendy]

I think we might have scared off the OP!

Of all the forums on the internet - I think this one is one of the most positive, at least we acknowledge there are ways to work on the relationship- but success depends on a lot of factors. Since BPD is on a spectrum, some do better than others.

I also think it depends on how one defines success.

[Notwendy]

Hopefully OP will return, as this group is supportive- through any challenges that may arise. It's hard to define what success means for a relationship. If it's that the other person will change- that's something that we can not control- they are the ones in charge of that.

For some people, perhaps success is staying the course no matter how difficult a relationship is.

For others, perhaps success means they made the difficult choice to not stay in it.

Neither decision may be easy and it's an individual choice.

[lostinthemesh]

Thank you to all posters on this thread, especially Ergonomics. It is good to feel that there are people out there that know what I'm going through and are encouraging. Thank you again!