Setting boundaries or using LEAP

[TheCanadian]

Hi there,

I keep reading online how important it is to set boundaries with people suffering from BPD. For me this seems like a very unrealistic stance if the goal is getting a loved one to trust you enough to seek treatment. I adopted the LEAP framework from Dr. Xavier Amador and I have found it to be incredibly helpful. Previously I would try to no avail to explain the irrationality of my loved ones behavior and why people around her were reacting negatively to her. In many instances it would just further inflame the situation. Since adopting LEAP she now trusts me and even listens when I tell her that it might be a good idea to consider therapy. This approach has required a lot of patience, to the point where my partner now thinks that I am a pushover. I guess my question is this. Am I being a pushover? I know that should say no more often but I want my loved one to feel well enough that they voluntarily seek therapy. Reading about the condition and reading Xavier Amador's book have helped me to distance myself from her pathological behavior and see it for what it is but my partner does not feel the same way. She wants her out of our lives and thinks that her behavior is pathological and must be confronted through the strict enforcement of boundaries.

[Couscous]

That’s great that you have been having success with LEAP - something I’ve not heard of before. If your loved one (parent?) with BPD seems to be amenable to going to therapy, then it sounds like you have done your job. Now the ball is in your loved one’s court to seek out a therapist, which no doubt they are fully capable of doing on their own.

I’m not surprised to hear that your partner feels that more boundaries are needed. Partners typically react negatively to the enmeshment which is normally present when a family member has BPD. If you are enmeshed with this person, especially if it is a parent, this may be putting a strain on your romantic relationship as you may, quite inadvertently, be putting the pwBPD ahead of your partner.

A good resource that can help you figure this out is: https://www.overcomingenmeshment.com/

[TheCanadian]

Thank you for touching base. While I don't  disagree that I am enmeshed emotionally with my mother and that I take too much on, I live 700 miles away from her. I am also the child of divorce, and grew up spending equal time with each parent. It's still amazing to me that they were ever able to establish a stable relationship. My father is a sane agreeable person while my mother is a chaotic, boundary crossing force of nature. For me though, the silver lining in all this is that I think that the split custody has allowed me to get some perspective on the issues that I face.

My mother doesn't visit often and when she does visit she drives in with her beat up Ford Focus, which in a defiance of physics, somehow manages to sputter through the mountain passes to my house. Telling her to leave even if she deserves it, is very difficult given logistical issues and the fact that if not for the help from my grandfather, she would likely be homeless. So I also feel a great deal of guilt in telling a mentally unstable person, living below the poverty line who has driven hundreds of miles to see me to leave. I'd be curious whether anyone else in the chat has experience balancing the very real turmoil caused by their loved one and the material realities of poverty.

I used to push back on her all the time but it just made things worse and she would just turn it around and twist it. I also used to hate her. But then I sought to understand her pathology. Now it just makes me sad. Getting past the layers of distrust and mental pathology has allowed me to see the scared person within. Unfortunately it hasn't cured her of her lack of boundaries and the frequent outbursts with others. LEAP has really allowed me to calm some of her delusions and allow her to see that I am not the enemy. The next step is therapy, which is another mountain to climb in itself.

[Couscous]

Instead of letting her run the the risk of breaking down in the middle of nowhere, could you buy her a roundtrip plane or bus ticket and let her stay 2-3 days at a time, or if your partner cannot tolerate even that, then put her up in a motel?

Are you familiar with the Karpman triangle? A lot of people with BPD are much more capable than they want the people around them to believe, and in many cases, they elicit caretaking/rescuing/enabling from the people around them. My under-functioning dxBPD SIL was homeless when my brother rescued her but eventually managed to take responsibility for herself and become self-supporting. My own under-functioning mother has surprised me with how competent she can suddenly be when she wants to/has to be which led me to believe that her “helplessness” was in fact an act. Of course, your mother may genuinely be impaired, but most pwBPD are not.

[Methuen]

My own under-functioning mother has surprised me with how competent she can suddenly be when she wants to/has to be which led me to believe that her “helplessness” was in fact an act. Of course, your mother may genuinely be impaired, but most pwBPD are not.

I will echo this, loudly.  

Here’s my example.  Over 8 months ago I came out of retirement and went back to work to get time and distance from my 86 yr old mother who has pages of chronic health issues.  
She was always a “waif” around me and demanded I do everything for her.  I am afraid of her and struggled with boundaries.  So you can imagine my surprise when last weekend H and I were at her house and he asked her to call the pharmacy and to get her drugs ready for him to pick up on Wednesday.  To my surprise, she picked up the phone and made the call. She had no problem with this.  But she used to have me running ragged for her.  I used o drive to her house to help her with some phone calls because she “couldn’t get her words out” with her Parkinson’s. Clearly she’s a Hollywood actress on top of her legitimate health issues.  Helpless she is not.

Coucous’s idea has a lot of merit because it leaves you in control of both the length and whereabouts of her stay.  This will probably help your own wellness when she is visiting.