Backlash from Boundaries

[LeafontheWind]

I'm working through a 30 day journal about Nice Guy syndrome. Basically, Nice Guys don't value themself enough and as such set terrible boundaries and try to be the nice guy that does everything for everyone. I started working through it because through my BPD research I've learned that one of the best things I can do is work on myself, and I genuinely believe that it's been beneficial and will lead to a step change in my problematic behavior.

It gives an example of a good way to set boundaries by using a 5 step process:
1: Request the actions stop - "Would you be willing to stop yelling at me?"
2: Define a response - "If you continue to yell, I will leave the house for a bit"
3: If behaviors continue, let the person know you're going to respond - "I'm going to leave the house for a bit"
4: Let the person know you'll return - "I'll check back in 20 minutes to see if we can continue this conversation"
5: Follow through, Check back, If nothing changes go back to step one.

I finally set a boundary last night with my SO. She started calling me names and I tried to follow the steps. Looking back at it, I didn't do the best job since I sort of skipped over defining the response, but I asked she stop calling me names and then said I was going to leave the house. I said I'd be back in about 20 minutes, got in my truck, went to fill it up with fuel, drove around a minute and then went home. I was shaking, upset, and I know I could have executed things better but I'm very proud that I set the boundary.

After I came home, we did get to talk. I explained that I had left because I was tired of being called names and I wasn't going to tolerate it any longer. She had her own views about whether I set that boundary well or communicated that I was setting that boundary, but regardless she listened to my feelings and my explanation for my actions. She still acted very angry about what had set her off and would not let go of the hurt that she felt that started things.

I guess I should know that it's to be expected that setting boundaries often times creates more chaos or backlash at first, but I can't help but feel frustration that she didn't apologize for calling me names. Does this seem like a normal response from her to anyone else? Can I expect the hostility to decrease if I continue to set this boundary and walk away from name calling?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ClarityNow]

Congratulations on setting a boundary! It’s very important with BPDs. My BPD husband used to call me horrible names. When I would complain, he would say, “Well, you were acting like a [insert horrible insult here].” Once I started going to therapy on my own, I learned that name calling is emotional abuse. In my case, he finally changed that behavior once our situation came to a head a few years ago. After an incident that made me feel very unsafe, I took the kids and left for several days. When I finally spoke to him again, I said that if he wanted us to come back, he had to make an appointment with a therapist—NOW. As in, he had to hang up the phone and call a therapist that very moment, then let me know when his appointment would be. He did.

Well, even though I had told him repeatedly that name calling was abuse, he didn’t believe me until he heard it straight from his therapist’s mouth.

We’ve had various other issues since then, but I will say he at least stopped with the name calling after that.

I’ve been setting other boundaries lately too. I told him recently that whenever he starts to get irrational and insulting, I will “disengage,” which is what my therapist recommends. I told my husband in those situations, I will stop talking and literally disappear (even if it’s just going to another room of the house for several hours) until he decides to start acting more maturely. I feel like I’ve been having success with that. I used to take his bait and get into a very dramatic argument with him that left me sobbing hysterically on the bathroom floor. Now I just refuse to participate. He can go have his meltdown all on his own, and come back to me when he decides to behave like an adult.

Just a few minutes ago he was texting me insulting things implying that I’m irresponsible with money (which is pretty funny because he’s the irresponsible one, no question). He was trying to bait me into an argument. I responded calmly to correct him on a couple of his allegations, then said, “That being said, I am done talking about this now because you’re being irrational.”

And I will not talk to him about it until he decides to act like an adult and treat me like one. I will stay calm and collected (at least on the surface) and stand my ground.

Good for you for standing up for yourself. Keep doing it! I’ve been “nice” all of my life and I still value kindness, but as a therapist once told me, sometimes anger can actually be constructive. You should let yourself get angry that you are being mistreated, and refuse to let it continue. You and I do not deserve it.

[kells76]

Hey LeafontheWind, I want to join with ClarityNow to welcome you to the group! You're in the right place to learn with others who want to try healthier tools and skills for improving a relationship with someone with BPD or BPD type traits, regardless of diagnosis.

That's really positive that you have a new structure that you're trying for high-conflict interactions with your SO. It can be so helpful when steps are lined out and explained, so that you have a framework to rely on as you try to make things "less worse" in your relationship. I'm guessing it wasn't very intuitive at first? That would make sense to me -- a big thing I've learned here is how non-intuitive some of the skills are for effective communication/interaction with a pwBPD.

...I can't help but feel frustration that she didn't apologize for calling me names. Does this seem like a normal response from her to anyone else? Can I expect the hostility to decrease if I continue to set this boundary and walk away from name calling?

Great question. Kind of like -- well, we're using the tools, we're doing the skills, we're following the healthier path, so... why isn't she different? Why isn't he nicer? Why won't she apologize? Why does he still blame?

To answer an aspect of your question -- will the hostility decrease if you continue to act out your boundary of not sticking around to be denigrated -- check out our group discussion of "Extinction bursts" here:

BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts

Briefly, when one person changes a "stimulus", we can expect a heightened "response" from the other person... for a while. If we are very consistent in maintaining our changed "stimulus", and don't cave in, often the "response" will die down over time.

Worth looking at -- it definitely reminded me of your situation.

Give it a read if you're up for it, and the feedback from ClarityNow is also great food for thought.

Keep us in the loop on how you guys are doing;

kells76

[ClarityNow]

I should add that backlash is to be expected initially when you start reacting differently to the abuse. They’re used to dragging us into their big histrionic meltdowns, and when we refuse to participate and tell them we won’t tolerate their behavior, it shakes up their whole world. They don’t know what to do without our participation in their drama, and they don’t like it that we’re not playing the willing victim anymore. The key is consistency. Set a clear boundary and guard it with your life!

[SinisterComplex]

I'm working through a 30 day journal about Nice Guy syndrome. Basically, Nice Guys don't value themself enough and as such set terrible boundaries and try to be the nice guy that does everything for everyone. I started working through it because through my BPD research I've learned that one of the best things I can do is work on myself, and I genuinely believe that it's been beneficial and will lead to a step change in my problematic behavior.

It gives an example of a good way to set boundaries by using a 5 step process:
1: Request the actions stop - "Would you be willing to stop yelling at me?"
2: Define a response - "If you continue to yell, I will leave the house for a bit"
3: If behaviors continue, let the person know you're going to respond - "I'm going to leave the house for a bit"
4: Let the person know you'll return - "I'll check back in 20 minutes to see if we can continue this conversation"
5: Follow through, Check back, If nothing changes go back to step one.

I finally set a boundary last night with my SO. She started calling me names and I tried to follow the steps. Looking back at it, I didn't do the best job since I sort of skipped over defining the response, but I asked she stop calling me names and then said I was going to leave the house. I said I'd be back in about 20 minutes, got in my truck, went to fill it up with fuel, drove around a minute and then went home. I was shaking, upset, and I know I could have executed things better but I'm very proud that I set the boundary.

After I came home, we did get to talk. I explained that I had left because I was tired of being called names and I wasn't going to tolerate it any longer. She had her own views about whether I set that boundary well or communicated that I was setting that boundary, but regardless she listened to my feelings and my explanation for my actions. She still acted very angry about what had set her off and would not let go of the hurt that she felt that started things.

I guess I should know that it's to be expected that setting boundaries often times creates more chaos or backlash at first, but I can't help but feel frustration that she didn't apologize for calling me names. Does this seem like a normal response from her to anyone else? Can I expect the hostility to decrease if I continue to set this boundary and walk away from name calling?

First I want to congratulate you and commend you on working on yourself. Its a big step. I am going to follow along and just observe, but of course if you would like some insight or if you have questions please feel free to ask...I am here for support and I'll paying attention. The only thing I want to add in here are a couple of things I want you train your mind on...Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better...and most importantly remember that when you try to please everyone you effectively please no one!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-