Accountability and blaming

[Pinkcamellias]

I feel like all our BPD loved ones use the same play book.
I asked my H what will it take to stop this merry go round and he said “ just confess”. I actually thought about lieing in the hopes i could feel some relief and he would stop harassing and verbally assaulting me but I know that isn’t the remedy.
Nothings ever over until they say so or they feel better . Even then they always circle back.

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[Me88]

Yes, yes, and yes some more. When pwBPD is haveing a severe episode, they get to the point where they can not even hear me. They will be shouting that I cannot take accountability or apologise, and i have been saying how sorry I am for the past 5 minutes (even if I don't even understand what it is Ive done wrong), and they will be shouting right over me, See! See how selfish and narcissistic you are. You can not even admit your guilt! They aren't  listening to me, but God help me if I ever seem to not be lisetning to them, even is saying aweful and cruel things to me.
It makes me feel as if I am living in a crazy world and i can not trust even my own reality.

And I am also not allowed to say I don't know. I need to have a proper, instant and correct answer or else!

yup, saying 'I don't know' is the end of the world. If you don't know what you did it shows that you don't take their feelings into account. And the arguments suck, they will talk down to you for an hour. Then you try to start addressing their concerns, and God forbid you miss one of the 100 things they threw at you 'see you don't listen!'.

Then I can sometimes list off everything she was upset about, identify how it made her feel, but then suddenly 'you're listening to respond, not to understand!'. And kind of? If it is so vague and seemingly tiny incident, I really can't understand why you feel this way.

[Rowdy]

And I am also not allowed to say I don't know. I need to have a proper, instant and correct answer or else!

Oh my god have you been living with my wife in a parallel universe?!

She wouldn’t just need one answer, it would be a barrage of questions in one sentence. Because I would be treading on eggshells wondering which word I might say out of place that would be taken completely out of context, by the time I had run through the answers in my head I would have forgotten the first effing question. That is all the while I am being barked at “well answer me” about 2 seconds after she has finished her question(s)

I used to get at least two headaches a week. I now get maybe three or four headaches a year since we have split up, and that is generally caused by drinking alcohol.

[Rowdy]

Then I can sometimes list off everything she was upset about, identify how it made her feel, but then suddenly 'you're listening to respond, not to understand!'.

It really is a crazy messed up world. I would get your this you’re that, you do this, you do that. Then I would explain why I did this or that, and she would have a go at me for getting defensive. And all the time this is going on, you start questioning yourself, you try and understand how she is thinking and it fools you into thinking they are right. But in reality they are twisting sh!t round and you are fooling for it, trying to respond calming while being told your tone of voice is wrong, but even then because you are used to being told your tone of voice is wrong you are making a conscious effort to try and speak as softly and calmly as possible, but that doesn’t work….. all the time whilst they are talking to you as if you have just stamped on their foot……….. or is that just me

[Me88]

It really is a crazy messed up world. I would get your this you’re that, you do this, you do that. Then I would explain why I did this or that, and she would have a go at me for getting defensive. And all the time this is going on, you start questioning yourself, you try and understand how she is thinking and it fools you into thinking they are right. But in reality they are twisting sh!t round and you are fooling for it, trying to respond calming while being told your tone of voice is wrong, but even then because you are used to being told your tone of voice is wrong you are making a conscious effort to try and speak as softly and calmly as possible, but that doesn’t work….. all the time whilst they are talking to you as if you have just stamped on their foot……….. or is that just me

Yup. I literally went crazy, or so it felt. I would like zone out and feel like I was spinning trying to keep up with all of it. My tone was always an issue, I have never heard that from any previous partner, friend or family member. She twisted everything and assigned intent to all of my actions. Outside all day doing yard work, fixing her car, come in toss my t-shirt on the counter and sit down...I purposely left my shirt there to hurt her, because I don't appreciate her efforts around the house, and she feels like my mother following me around cleaning up my messes. It isn't like I leave shirts there for days. Maybe overnight, a folded shirt if it's late and we're tired.

She told me initially, my calmness kept her grounded during fights because I don't yell, throw things, insult, etc. Then that got old and she said she wished I'd yell, curse, show some emotion because me being calm shows I don't care or love her or want to fight for the relationship. No, I do not want to fight for it in that sense. But overtime I had a few missteps along the way and did yell back, I cursed back once sarcastically and asked her if she felt loved now. My big thing was saying very hurtful, yet true things during fights. She decided she had ADHD after 27 years and I had to fill out paperwork ranking activities she does like forget things, be late to stuff, etc. I filled it out HONESTLY. Some were scored 5, some 3, some 2, some even 1. She screamed at me all night because I don't sympathize with her condition, and said her therapist said it must be hard to be with a man who doesn't truly see her or care enough to help. So I said "why are you mad at me for this? I don't live in your head and know when you're struggling, because it comes out as productive and ok. This isn't my fault. I wish you'd accept some accountability for once and actually work on yourself instead of seek out new drugs trying to fix all of your problems. You're like a child and I'm tired of you treating me like human garbage every time you're upset" . That was not nice to say, but it was the truth, every problem had a prescription that could save her in her mind.

Then...you go to bed, have sex, and wake up have sex, and pretend nothing happened and the angel is back somehow.