Accountability and blaming

[Pinkcamellias]

I feel like all our BPD loved ones use the same play book.
I asked my H what will it take to stop this merry go round and he said “ just confess”. I actually thought about lieing in the hopes i could feel some relief and he would stop harassing and verbally assaulting me but I know that isn’t the remedy.
Nothings ever over until they say so or they feel better . Even then they always circle back.

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[Me88]

Yes, yes, and yes some more. When pwBPD is haveing a severe episode, they get to the point where they can not even hear me. They will be shouting that I cannot take accountability or apologise, and i have been saying how sorry I am for the past 5 minutes (even if I don't even understand what it is Ive done wrong), and they will be shouting right over me, See! See how selfish and narcissistic you are. You can not even admit your guilt! They aren't  listening to me, but God help me if I ever seem to not be lisetning to them, even is saying aweful and cruel things to me.
It makes me feel as if I am living in a crazy world and i can not trust even my own reality.

And I am also not allowed to say I don't know. I need to have a proper, instant and correct answer or else!

yup, saying 'I don't know' is the end of the world. If you don't know what you did it shows that you don't take their feelings into account. And the arguments suck, they will talk down to you for an hour. Then you try to start addressing their concerns, and God forbid you miss one of the 100 things they threw at you 'see you don't listen!'.

Then I can sometimes list off everything she was upset about, identify how it made her feel, but then suddenly 'you're listening to respond, not to understand!'. And kind of? If it is so vague and seemingly tiny incident, I really can't understand why you feel this way.

[Rowdy]

And I am also not allowed to say I don't know. I need to have a proper, instant and correct answer or else!

Oh my god have you been living with my wife in a parallel universe?!

She wouldn’t just need one answer, it would be a barrage of questions in one sentence. Because I would be treading on eggshells wondering which word I might say out of place that would be taken completely out of context, by the time I had run through the answers in my head I would have forgotten the first effing question. That is all the while I am being barked at “well answer me” about 2 seconds after she has finished her question(s)

I used to get at least two headaches a week. I now get maybe three or four headaches a year since we have split up, and that is generally caused by drinking alcohol.

[Rowdy]

Then I can sometimes list off everything she was upset about, identify how it made her feel, but then suddenly 'you're listening to respond, not to understand!'.

It really is a crazy messed up world. I would get your this you’re that, you do this, you do that. Then I would explain why I did this or that, and she would have a go at me for getting defensive. And all the time this is going on, you start questioning yourself, you try and understand how she is thinking and it fools you into thinking they are right. But in reality they are twisting sh!t round and you are fooling for it, trying to respond calming while being told your tone of voice is wrong, but even then because you are used to being told your tone of voice is wrong you are making a conscious effort to try and speak as softly and calmly as possible, but that doesn’t work….. all the time whilst they are talking to you as if you have just stamped on their foot……….. or is that just me

[Me88]

It really is a crazy messed up world. I would get your this you’re that, you do this, you do that. Then I would explain why I did this or that, and she would have a go at me for getting defensive. And all the time this is going on, you start questioning yourself, you try and understand how she is thinking and it fools you into thinking they are right. But in reality they are twisting sh!t round and you are fooling for it, trying to respond calming while being told your tone of voice is wrong, but even then because you are used to being told your tone of voice is wrong you are making a conscious effort to try and speak as softly and calmly as possible, but that doesn’t work….. all the time whilst they are talking to you as if you have just stamped on their foot……….. or is that just me

Yup. I literally went crazy, or so it felt. I would like zone out and feel like I was spinning trying to keep up with all of it. My tone was always an issue, I have never heard that from any previous partner, friend or family member. She twisted everything and assigned intent to all of my actions. Outside all day doing yard work, fixing her car, come in toss my t-shirt on the counter and sit down...I purposely left my shirt there to hurt her, because I don't appreciate her efforts around the house, and she feels like my mother following me around cleaning up my messes. It isn't like I leave shirts there for days. Maybe overnight, a folded shirt if it's late and we're tired.

She told me initially, my calmness kept her grounded during fights because I don't yell, throw things, insult, etc. Then that got old and she said she wished I'd yell, curse, show some emotion because me being calm shows I don't care or love her or want to fight for the relationship. No, I do not want to fight for it in that sense. But overtime I had a few missteps along the way and did yell back, I cursed back once sarcastically and asked her if she felt loved now. My big thing was saying very hurtful, yet true things during fights. She decided she had ADHD after 27 years and I had to fill out paperwork ranking activities she does like forget things, be late to stuff, etc. I filled it out HONESTLY. Some were scored 5, some 3, some 2, some even 1. She screamed at me all night because I don't sympathize with her condition, and said her therapist said it must be hard to be with a man who doesn't truly see her or care enough to help. So I said "why are you mad at me for this? I don't live in your head and know when you're struggling, because it comes out as productive and ok. This isn't my fault. I wish you'd accept some accountability for once and actually work on yourself instead of seek out new drugs trying to fix all of your problems. You're like a child and I'm tired of you treating me like human garbage every time you're upset" . That was not nice to say, but it was the truth, every problem had a prescription that could save her in her mind.

Then...you go to bed, have sex, and wake up have sex, and pretend nothing happened and the angel is back somehow.

[cynp]

One thing I have been doing is try to think of what would be a norpmal response in a non-disordered relationship. ex., If I said I don't know, either is fine to pwBPD's query of Do you want coffee or tea? a normal person would not fy into a rage about how I NEVER know what i want and I ALWAYS say I don't know to anything because i don't really care about or respect them and I can just make my own from now on because i am such as #^%#^@.

What would some normal replies be?
OK, I'll surprise you then.
OK, I'm having coffe e so I'll make you some too.
OK, well, I'll let you decide and make it on your own later.

Sometimes it helps to rmemebr what normal human interactions are like because our lives are so disordered.

[mssalty]

All of that sounds familiar. I have not found a way out of the labyrinth. My pwbpd goes to blame mode very often. I might be asking him something important (I needed him to carry laundry because my hand was broken)   but he cant stick to the topic at hand (just carry the laundry) it turns into him suggesting that my need was somehow hurting him, he seems to cling to any small occurrence that could possibly have a negative interpretation (my face looked tired when I asked so he thinks I am accusing him of being lazy).   

Ah, the old “I can interpret your facial expressions like a psychic”.   Exhausting.   

[mssalty]

What’s hard is that it’s never okay for you to be angry, upset, or right.  They can be, but you can’t.  And if you argue the point, they flip it back on you and say “I guess I’m the evil one” as though anger in a relationship is a sign that you’re Satan. 

Truthfully they cannot sit with being wrong, blamed, or responsible.  And the only option is to put it on someone else.  Even in their problems, they want someone else to make them go away or think some quick fix should do it without them having to really change. 

My SO has spent the past couple of years so deeply wrapped in themselves that I feel alone and adrift even in their presence.  I hear about their problems 24/7 and when I share almost anything their eyes glaze over or they look at their phone. 

A relationship where you are never important is hard. 

[Me88]

Ah, the old “I can interpret your facial expressions like a psychic”.   Exhausting.   

oh yeah, they know everything you feel, what your breathing pattern means, what your face means. You could be tired and just exhale loud....suddenly 'tell me what's wrong? I know you're mad? What did I do now? I can't even be myself. It's exhausting being with you. Just tell me, I know you'll bring it up later'

by that time you're now actually upset with the insults and hour of being TOLD you're mad, then you blow up on them a little...and now the conversation is about how badly you abuse them and don't appreciate them. If you walk away before blowing up...you don't care about them, you don't fight for the relationship and you cannot communicate. LOSE-LOSE

[Rowdy]

oh yeah, they know everything you feel, what your breathing pattern means, what your face means. You could be tired and just exhale loud....suddenly 'tell me what's wrong? I know you're mad? What did I do now? I can't even be myself. It's exhausting being with you. Just tell me, I know you'll bring it up later'

by that time you're now actually upset with the insults and hour of being TOLD you're mad, then you blow up on them a little...and now the conversation is about how badly you abuse them and don't appreciate them. If you walk away before blowing up...you don't care about them, you don't fight for the relationship and you cannot communicate. LOSE-LOSE

oh my f’king god. This 100% this! The times I would just exhale loudly and get “what’s wrong” ………”nothing why?”……….”you’re huffing, stop huffing what’s the matter?” ………. “Nothings the matter I’m just breathing” and yes the accusations of not appreciating them, even if you have just said the words I appreciate everything you do, that can be turned into you have never said that.

[Me88]

oh my f’king god. This 100% this! The times I would just exhale loudly and get “what’s wrong” ………”nothing why?”……….”you’re huffing, stop huffing what’s the matter?” ………. “Nothings the matter I’m just breathing” and yes the accusations of not appreciating them, even if you have just said the words I appreciate everything you do, that can be turned into you have never said that.

I could have been outside replacing the struts, brakes and rotors on her car she was trying to sale. Come inside from hours of work in 100 degree weather...take off my sweaty shirt and put it on the counter, get a glass of ice water and just breathe loud. 'Why are you mad? If it's that big of a deal I could have taken it to a shop. I knew you were going to do this, now you'll hold it against me forever. This is why I never rely on anyone but myself. You ruin everything!' Uh...what the fk?

I'd thank her for every single thing. Even just existing at times, telling how much happier and better my life is because of who she is. She'd smile in the moment and kiss me or whatever. But whenever anything went strange, even bad traffic, I was the devil to her. And always heard this 'you never do anything for anyone but yourself. You're selfish. I can never count on you when I need you the most. I should be able to rely on my bf'........I did every single thing possible for her. And my idiotic self would DARVO and start listing off endless things I do and have done, not just for her, but also told her that's a ridiculous claim as every single person in my life would defend the opposite to death.

Good things are maybe appreciated in the moment, but then the slate is wiped clean and any future perceived error is all that matters and you're 'all bad'.

[Rowdy]

Yes yes and yes again. Everything you say is so familiar.
I bought her a mk1 golf (rabbit in the us) cabriolet, as it was her dream car. The reason, she had just opened her salon and felt that she deserved for me to buy her dream car for her.
It had alloy wheels, that were corroding and the paint was flaking. Along with a few other bits I had to do to it, I spent quite a while stripping the paint off the wheels and hand polishing them to a mirror finish. In between the spokes on the wheels I painted one side silver, and one side black, so she had an option on how she wanted them to look. She went absolutely ape sh!t

I spent months unpaid completely cutting and refurbishing salons for her. I hand made reception desks for both salons. She wanted to open an antiques shop next door to the salon, in a 300 year old building that was completely dilapidated and took me a year to renovate…….. but I didn’t do anything to show her I loved her

[cynp]

How on eartn is it we are all living the same life, all around the world? I have learnt to manage my facial expressions, sounds i make, etc. I think i do alot of things as a surcvival method without even thinking that others would find very odd.......

[Rowdy]

How on eartn is it we are all living the same life, all around the world? I have learnt to manage my facial expressions, sounds i make, etc. I think i do alot of things as a surcvival method without even thinking that others would find very odd.......

I don’t know, but maybe that is why my wife has buggered off with a big nosed jug eared ugly twat, so she isn’t offended by whatever face he might pull because it’s enough to scare children on a good day

[Rowdy]

^ that was British humour btw