DIL with BPD: Why does it have to be so complicated

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi all,
I have a DIL that is undiagnosed BPD. I have researched BPD and she has many of the symptoms. I truly cannot believe how bad it has gotten in the last few years.
I noticed the abandonment issues, outbursts over literally nothing, lots of anger, paranoia, keeping my son isolated and controlling issues.
The latest is me as Grandma, who has been there for the grandkids through it all, have been asked to step out of the picture totally by son and DIL. I told my son I would and to let me know how things are now and then. He is so depressed, anxious, crying, cancelling work, going to counseling and all but constantly takes up for her and says I have betrayed her.
I learned about BPD in Nursing School but to experience it firsthand is a real eye opener.
Im so glad I found this site so I can vent and talk about these issues. It is so sad and I hate it for my son but I must stand back and live my life and let them live theirs. I know my DIL is miserable and I hate that but my hands are tied.
wk

[Whoknew1014]

Hi all,
I have a DIL that is undiagnosed BPD. I have researched BPD and she has many of the symptoms. I truly cannot believe how bad it has gotten in the last few years.
I noticed the abandonment issues, outbursts over literally nothing, lots of anger, paranoia, keeping my son isolated and controlling issues.
The latest is me as Grandma, who has been there for the grandkids through it all, have been asked to step out of the picture totally by son and DIL. I told my son I would and to let me know how things are now and then. He is so depressed, anxious, crying, cancelling work, going to counseling and all but constantly takes up for her and says I have betrayed her.
I learned about BPD in Nursing School but to experience it firsthand is a real eye opener.
Im so glad I found this site so I can vent and talk about these issues. It is so sad and I hate it for my son but I must stand back and live my life and let them live theirs. I know my DIL is miserable and I hate that but my hands are tied.
wk

[Notwendy]

So sorry you are dealing with this. You are not the only one- this seems to be a common pattern and something I observed with my father and his family, and eventually me as an adult.

The Karpman triangle helps explain this dynamic. The pwBPD sees themselves as in victim mode and enlists their partner to "rescue" them against a perceived "persecutor". My BPD mother sees people as either on her side or not on her side and my father aligned with her.

I think what is confusing is that we see the pwBPD as the problem and their partner as the victim of their behavior but it's a two way situation. I found it hard to understand why my father put up with the behaviors he did, but his co-dependency and enabling also was a factor.

This is so hard for you, but you are correct, your hands are tied at this point and you stepped out as they requested. There really wasn't much else you could have done. This isn't about you or anything you did. It isn't your fault, even if she blames you. It's her distorted thinking and your son buying into that.

It's not unusual that he is feeling the way he is. I am sure you have let him know you love him and care about him, and the door is open should he want to contact you. Whatever he says to you possibly she put him up to. Probably the only hope for anything to change is when he chooses to not go along with the situation he's in, and it's good he's seeing a counselor.

Whether or not he decides this is up to him. Some people decide to leave these relationships. My father stayed. It was difficult seeing how my BPD mother treated him, especially in his older years. I naively stepped in to try to intervene and that backfired as he stepped in to "rescue" BPD mother.

It's difficult to see these relationships from the outside and know there's not much, if anything, we can do. Self care is important. Get counseling and support for yourself if you feel a need to.  Take care of yourself. You are doing the right thing by letting them sort this out. Yes, you can vent here and also there's a lot to learn here.

[Whoknew1014]

Thank you Notwendy. I really needed this.

[Notwendy]

Glad it helped some. Take care of yourself