About a month of NC, some thoughts

[Tupla Sport]

It's been about a month of no contact with my ex. I feel more energized, more confident, more content in my life. Feels like I'm getting back in the saddle.

I also feel like the yawning emptiness she left behind was not entirely of her own carving. I am confronted by the deep emptiness inside me that was there before her and all my emotionally unstable relationships. I see my ex as one more of the people with BPD or some other profound emotional trouble I've dated.

I see my ex friend who she emotionally cheated on me with as just a third player in this game of people with broken hearts. It doesn't mean I forgive either of them. More like, I see each of us as addicts who acted differently with their drug. I like to think I was the cleanest player. I had more integrity than them but the bottom line is that we are all miserable people. I hope I can go on and let her truly go soon because right now, I indeed feel like a connection junkie who was scavenging the same source as she was and we happened to find it in each other for a while.

[arjay]

I indeed feel like a connection junkie who was scavenging the same source as she was and we happened to find it in each other for a while.

I "get that".  It was described to me as being a person "needing to be in a relationship".  That was actually me.  The emptiness to which you speak is something we often hope/expect can be filled by "someone", via a relationship.  Sadly no one person can "fix" that which is broken inside of us.  So what often happens is two "unfulfilled/broken" people meet, only to realize the issues we had are still there.

A wise person said "relationships are about two emotionally healthy people coming together, with the sum being more". In other words, neither of you relies on the other to "fix" unhealthy aspects of each.  It was our individual responsibility to address these before hand.

I spent several years "fixing me", only to come away realizing I really don't "need" a relationship.  I actually live alone now (not that I am suggesting that for anyone else), but making peace with our "internal demons" can result in a change in how we see life and relationships in general.

It seems counseling may be something to which you might want to consider.  It really helped me.  It will also help you better understand why your relationships seem to follow a predictable "loop"; why you maybe find yourself making the same mistakes.  The reasons are often very deep and require professional help.  With professional help I figured out mine. It changed me.
All the best