Do BPDs always have someone waiting for them?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi!

I was wondering if all of your BPD exes had already replacement ready whilst being with you? Did they always leave just to end up with someone else?

There is something that bothers me a lot.
Before I started my r/s with BPD ex we have been talking online for 3 months (due to him being at work abroad). He was single for about 6 months when we started to talk. He was on and on about "how bad it is to stay in touch with ex", "we shouldn't be living in the past" etc. He also made sure that I have no connections to any of my ex (apart of my daughter's father for obvious reasons).
When we were finally able to spend some time together (after 2 or 3 discards during those 3 months of online contact - I know...I was so stupid to continue this) one day we have been watching movie and his phone rang. I asked who was it and he replied it was a female colleague.
Me: "why don't you answer then?"
Him: "Meh I don't want to. I will call back later"
Me: "Are you sure this is only colleague?"
Him: "No...actually it's my ex..."
I was really upset because when we were still in online contact he told me once "I hope all your exes are blocked .. because I can't imagine situation that we are for example relaxing on the sofa and you get a call or message from him" (double standards). He then seeing me very upset said he will call her back on speaker so I will see there is nothing suspicious. And that they are in touch only because she has left some stuff in his storage (she left UK in the beginning of Covid pandemic back to her country- China, and she couldn't take all her belongings with her as she went in hurry). He calls her and the conversation is very weird. Don't wanna sound rude but with his English (being much much worse than mine) I have no idea how he managed to be with this girl for almost 2 years...or maybe this is the solution.. she couldn't understand any of the languages he used so there was no rollercoaster ... anyway he told her that he will sort out her stuff, send it all to the address she has to provide to him and that he doesn't want her to call him anymore as she bothers him and his gf (me). She was actually quite shocked:
Her: "oh so is this all my fault then?"
Him: "yes"
Her: "oh I see then... where is you gf coming from?"
Him: "why does it matter? It's not your business"
Her: "ok I get that.. I won't bother you both then. Wish you all the best"
 
I confronted him saying that she sounds pretty surprised about everything...he then shows me their WhatsApp messages. I find there many pictures sent between them. But nothing really special. More like friends than anything more than that. But also there was so many missed calls from her to him and that was when he was already talking to me online (and we were talking many hours per day at that time) and there was her message saying "I think there is another woman in your life" ...I confronted him about this message and he said he doesn't know what she meant by that..and that she used to call him being very drunk and that she knew before leaving back to her country that they are done. I was very upset. Didn't believe in all this story, I was arguing with him for hours about that, we went to bed but I couldn't fall asleep because I was trying to figure out wth is going on. He then got out of bed and started to pack his stuff because I don't believe him and he didn't do anything wrong.. that was another breakup we had ...as far as I remember he slept in the car and came back next day (I had to first apologise for doubting him). He sorted out her stuff few days later and blocked her everywhere.

Now...
About 3 weeks after we broke up and I blocked his number and WhatsApp, I have been scrolling our old messages on messenger. I kept all of them from the day we first started to talk (my fb was then deactivated for most of our r/s due to his jealousy and I thought I was blocked by him as this is what he used to do). And I found what he said right at the beginning (when I didn't pay attention much back then because I didn't expect there will be ever anything between us two)...we have been talking about our current r/s status and he said:
"Apparently I am in a long distance relationship as she went back to her country but I dont really care about her"
Imagine my face when I saw this! I knew something wasn't adding up! I knew he lied to me! I knew she couldn't be so surprised about him having new gf if she would know they are done for months!
So I did smtg I probably shouldn't have done.. sent him an email with screenshot of this sentence and I called him a liar. I said I knew something wasn't adding up and he built our r/s on a lie and was lying straight to my face about it and that I found evidence for that. I wished him that one day somebody will treat him the same way he did.
I didnt expect reply... but he did reply:
"I know exactly how it was back then. You can look for evidence if this is your hobby.
Why did you message me? What was your purpose in that?"
I haven't replied anything till now (and it's been around 3.5 weeks since his email).

Now.. as in the main question..do they always have someone waiting for them?
Till our last breakup I didn't suspect him of being in touch with any girl..nor ex nor new one. Our phones were always available for each other, I was using his phone many times (never checked his messages or never spying) but he was very happy for me to know his password and he knew mine (never caught him checking my phone either)..all his messages and phone calls could be seen on the locked screen and it didn't seem like he was hiding anything. And like I had an intuition about his ex in the beginning I had no doubt by the end of our r/s he was even thinking about anybody else.
Is it possible that he left not having anyone waiting for him?

[imstillhere89]

Hi!

I was wondering if all of your BPD exes had already replacement ready whilst being with you? Did they always leave just to end up with someone else?

There is something that bothers me a lot.
Before I started my r/s with BPD ex we have been talking online for 3 months (due to him being at work abroad). He was single for about 6 months when we started to talk. He was on and on about "how bad it is to stay in touch with ex", "we shouldn't be living in the past" etc. He also made sure that I have no connections to any of my ex (apart of my daughter's father for obvious reasons).
When we were finally able to spend some time together (after 2 or 3 discards during those 3 months of online contact - I know...I was so stupid to continue this) one day we have been watching movie and his phone rang. I asked who was it and he replied it was a female colleague.
Me: "why don't you answer then?"
Him: "Meh I don't want to. I will call back later"
Me: "Are you sure this is only colleague?"
Him: "No...actually it's my ex..."
I was really upset because when we were still in online contact he told me once "I hope all your exes are blocked .. because I can't imagine situation that we are for example relaxing on the sofa and you get a call or message from him" (double standards). He then seeing me very upset said he will call her back on speaker so I will see there is nothing suspicious. And that they are in touch only because she has left some stuff in his storage (she left UK in the beginning of Covid pandemic back to her country- China, and she couldn't take all her belongings with her as she went in hurry). He calls her and the conversation is very weird. Don't wanna sound rude but with his English (being much much worse than mine) I have no idea how he managed to be with this girl for almost 2 years...or maybe this is the solution.. she couldn't understand any of the languages he used so there was no rollercoaster ... anyway he told her that he will sort out her stuff, send it all to the address she has to provide to him and that he doesn't want her to call him anymore as she bothers him and his gf (me). She was actually quite shocked:
Her: "oh so is this all my fault then?"
Him: "yes"
Her: "oh I see then... where is you gf coming from?"
Him: "why does it matter? It's not your business"
Her: "ok I get that.. I won't bother you both then. Wish you all the best"
 
I confronted him saying that she sounds pretty surprised about everything...he then shows me their WhatsApp messages. I find there many pictures sent between them. But nothing really special. More like friends than anything more than that. But also there was so many missed calls from her to him and that was when he was already talking to me online (and we were talking many hours per day at that time) and there was her message saying "I think there is another woman in your life" ...I confronted him about this message and he said he doesn't know what she meant by that..and that she used to call him being very drunk and that she knew before leaving back to her country that they are done. I was very upset. Didn't believe in all this story, I was arguing with him for hours about that, we went to bed but I couldn't fall asleep because I was trying to figure out wth is going on. He then got out of bed and started to pack his stuff because I don't believe him and he didn't do anything wrong.. that was another breakup we had ...as far as I remember he slept in the car and came back next day (I had to first apologise for doubting him). He sorted out her stuff few days later and blocked her everywhere.

Now...
About 3 weeks after we broke up and I blocked his number and WhatsApp, I have been scrolling our old messages on messenger. I kept all of them from the day we first started to talk (my fb was then deactivated for most of our r/s due to his jealousy and I thought I was blocked by him as this is what he used to do). And I found what he said right at the beginning (when I didn't pay attention much back then because I didn't expect there will be ever anything between us two)...we have been talking about our current r/s status and he said:
"Apparently I am in a long distance relationship as she went back to her country but I dont really care about her"
Imagine my face when I saw this! I knew something wasn't adding up! I knew he lied to me! I knew she couldn't be so surprised about him having new gf if she would know they are done for months!
So I did smtg I probably shouldn't have done.. sent him an email with screenshot of this sentence and I called him a liar. I said I knew something wasn't adding up and he built our r/s on a lie and was lying straight to my face about it and that I found evidence for that. I wished him that one day somebody will treat him the same way he did.
I didnt expect reply... but he did reply:
"I know exactly how it was back then. You can look for evidence if this is your hobby.
Why did you message me? What was your purpose in that?"
I haven't replied anything till now (and it's been around 3.5 weeks since his email).

Now.. as in the main question..do they always have someone waiting for them?
Till our last breakup I didn't suspect him of being in touch with any girl..nor ex nor new one. Our phones were always available for each other, I was using his phone many times (never checked his messages or never spying) but he was very happy for me to know his password and he knew mine (never caught him checking my phone either)..all his messages and phone calls could be seen on the locked screen and it didn't seem like he was hiding anything. And like I had an intuition about his ex in the beginning I had no doubt by the end of our r/s he was even thinking about anybody else.
Is it possible that he left not having anyone waiting for him?

[Tupla Sport]

I think it depends on the severity of their BPD.

As a general rule, I think people with less severe forms of BPD can "run on" having a Favourite Person there, even without a romantic relationship. I have had a few exes with BPD symptoms and I do not think they all had someone waiting in the weeds for them. My latest and most troubled ex did monkey-branch with my best friend and it was obviously terrible. She had her early childhood trauma at such an early age she was really powerless against her symptoms. The ones with a later onset, say, at 10 years of age, are less absolutely carried away by the disorder. Two of my exes have a very rational outlook and are very high-functioning.

[imstillhere89]

I'm sorry to hear that.. especially the one with your best friend. It's funny tho as your best friend supposed to know what kind of person your ex is...

[Tupla Sport]

I'm sorry to hear that.. especially the one with your best friend. It's funny tho as your best friend supposed to know what kind of person your ex is...

My ex friend knew she has severe untreated BPD. He has also dated at least one woman with BPD before and it ended badly. He crashed at my place because he was so out of it.

My ex was emotionally unfaithful to me with him. She was in a way grooming her over a long time period probably.

[imstillhere89]

Unbelievable. But actually everything they do is unbelievable...

[brighter future]

Now.. as in the main question..do they always have someone waiting for them?

In my own person experience and after reading dozens of testimonies on here, I would say that this is true a good part of the time.

My ex and I were together almost two full years. I had known her for nearly 20 years and had always been attracted to her. She stated the same.  We hooked up 5-6 months after she separated from her husband and after she had filed for divorce. After we had been together for about two months, she told me that she had an affair with a former school classmate (and the twin brother to her high school boyfriend) right after leaving her husband. She was also sexting with another former classmate and talking to two other men when I came along. Why I didn't run the other way when she told me this is beyond me. I was worn down and depressed after my divorce 3 years prior, and she dazzled me with affection and compliments. She made me feel like I was the most awesome man she had ever met, and I fell for it hook line and sinker. Supposedly, she ended her affair with the ex-boyfriend's twin brother to be with me. She once stated to me referring back to the time before she was married, "I always had a rebound to fall back on." 

Throughout our relationship, I had noticed this guy hanging around her social media account and commenting from time to time. Occasionally, I saw text messages from him pop up on her phone. She revealed to me the first and last name of the high school boyfriend, and I realized that the other guy had the same last name. At that point, I realized that this mystery man was the high school boyfriend's brother, the guy she was having the affair with after leaving her ex-husband. Obviously, she maintained contact with him while we were together. She and I were having a conversation with my cousin about 5 months before we split up. My ex told my cousin about her affair and said "it meant absolutely nothing" to her and that "it was just a rebound." However, before moving on to something else, she said "apparently it meant something to him though." I remember thinking at the time that was a striking statement, and I always stayed with me. My thought is she always knew that he was an option again in the future and that they stayed in touch regularly. I never brought any of this up to her about her contact with him while we were together, but I should have. If I had, maybe our relationship would have ended sooner, which would have been a good thing. I mentioned it shortly after the split, but she wouldn't comment on it.

Long story short, about 5 months later in the spring of 2020 starting in late February/early March, she started acting really bizarre mentally. She would get really confrontational with me, then would follow it up a lot of the time with "Don't worry about this.  It's me. None of this has anything to do with you. Don't lose any sleep over any of this that I've said." All while this was going on, there was very intense pressure from her to get engaged/married. One day in April 2020 on a Tuesday, she showed up at my front door randomly. I got the "Either we get married or I'm out" ultimatum followed by "I love you so much. I would do anything to be married to you." When I told her we needed to wait but that I loved her very much, I was discarded immediately. She bragged to a mutual friend that she began talking to this guy (and others as well) the very next day. They were dating steady the next week, and I think the official social media announcement followed a week or two later. Total craziness! She was silent towards me for 4-5 months, which is what I preferred. Out of the blue, I started receiving occasional text messages, social media pings, and a some quick in-person visits at my home while she was in the neighborhood. This went on for a little over a year until I started dating someone else. About 3 months after that, the contact stopped. My counselor suspected that my ex was trying to build some type of connection again to keep me on the hook just like she did with the other men in her life.

All of that left me feeling terrible knowing that someone who said they loved me more than anything could drop me that fast and move on for a second round with someone else "that meant nothing to her." I suffered emotionally for months. However, my counselor pointed something out to me that my ex had said in the weeks leading up to the breakup. She told me not to worry because "none of this has anything to do with you." My counselor told me that was probably the most accurate statement that my ex made to me in the closing days of our relationship. Eventually, I was able to let go of most of her baggage and work on my own along with all of the unhealthy codependence. She was almost always in some type of trouble, and I was her rescuer and always came running to help.

Please excuse me if I rambled on here.  I really identified with what you had to say and wanted to share what I experienced. Also, I ran into my ex last night on Halloween while we were taking our children around the neighborhood. This brought back some memories following the encounter, most of them unpleasant. However, it really doesn't bother me much anymore and is mostly water under the bridge. The passage of time does help.  My present girlfriend of a year and a half was with me at the time, and it made things a little awkward.  My ex ended up marrying this guy recently, and sometimes I've wondered if she's keeping men behind his back. On the other hand, not my circus not my monkeys!

Best wishes to you.

[SinisterComplex]

In my own person experience and after reading dozens of testimonies on here, I would say that this is true a good part of the time.

My ex and I were together almost two full years. I had known her for nearly 20 years and had always been attracted to her. She stated the same.  We hooked up 5-6 months after she separated from her husband and after she had filed for divorce. After we had been together for about two months, she told me that she had an affair with a former school classmate (and the twin brother to her high school boyfriend) right after leaving her husband. She was also sexting with another former classmate and talking to two other men when I came along. Why I didn't run the other way when she told me this is beyond me. I was worn down and depressed after my divorce 3 years prior, and she dazzled me with affection and compliments. She made me feel like I was the most awesome man she had ever met, and I fell for it hook line and sinker. Supposedly, she ended her affair with the ex-boyfriend's twin brother to be with me. She once stated to me referring back to the time before she was married, "I always had a rebound to fall back on." 

Throughout our relationship, I had noticed this guy hanging around her social media account and commenting from time to time. Occasionally, I saw text messages from him pop up on her phone. She revealed to me the first and last name of the high school boyfriend, and I realized that the other guy had the same last name. At that point, I realized that this mystery man was the high school boyfriend's brother, the guy she was having the affair with after leaving her ex-husband. Obviously, she maintained contact with him while we were together. She and I were having a conversation with my cousin about 5 months before we split up. My ex told my cousin about her affair and said "it meant absolutely nothing" to her and that "it was just a rebound." However, before moving on to something else, she said "apparently it meant something to him though." I remember thinking at the time that was a striking statement, and I always stayed with me. My thought is she always knew that he was an option again in the future and that they stayed in touch regularly. I never brought any of this up to her about her contact with him while we were together, but I should have. If I had, maybe our relationship would have ended sooner, which would have been a good thing. I mentioned it shortly after the split, but she wouldn't comment on it.

Long story short, about 5 months later in the spring of 2020 starting in late February/early March, she started acting really bizarre mentally. She would get really confrontational with me, then would follow it up a lot of the time with "Don't worry about this.  It's me. None of this has anything to do with you. Don't lose any sleep over any of this that I've said." All while this was going on, there was very intense pressure from her to get engaged/married. One day in April 2020 on a Tuesday, she showed up at my front door randomly. I got the "Either we get married or I'm out" ultimatum followed by "I love you so much. I would do anything to be married to you." When I told her we needed to wait but that I loved her very much, I was discarded immediately. She bragged to a mutual friend that she began talking to this guy (and others as well) the very next day. They were dating steady the next week, and I think the official social media announcement followed a week or two later. Total craziness! She was silent towards me for 4-5 months, which is what I preferred. Out of the blue, I started receiving occasional text messages, social media pings, and a some quick in-person visits at my home while she was in the neighborhood. This went on for a little over a year until I started dating someone else. About 3 months after that, the contact stopped. My counselor suspected that my ex was trying to build some type of connection again to keep me on the hook just like she did with the other men in her life.

All of that left me feeling terrible knowing that someone who said they loved me more than anything could drop me that fast and move on for a second round with someone else "that meant nothing to her." I suffered emotionally for months. However, my counselor pointed something out to me that my ex had said in the weeks leading up to the breakup. She told me not to worry because "none of this has anything to do with you." My counselor told me that was probably the most accurate statement that my ex made to me in the closing days of our relationship. Eventually, I was able to let go of most of her baggage and work on my own along with all of the unhealthy codependence. She was almost always in some type of trouble, and I was her rescuer and always came running to help.

Please excuse me if I rambled on here.  I really identified with what you had to say and wanted to share what I experienced. Also, I ran into my ex last night on Halloween while we were taking our children around the neighborhood. This brought back some memories following the encounter, most of them unpleasant. However, it really doesn't bother me much anymore and is mostly water under the bridge. The passage of time does help.  My present girlfriend of a year and a half was with me at the time, and it made things a little awkward.  My ex ended up marrying this guy recently, and sometimes I've wondered if she's keeping men behind his back. On the other hand, not my circus not my monkeys!

Best wishes to you.

To you newer members and lurkers out there please listen to BF above...^^^^. BF has been a member for a while now. Additionally, something I want to point out...BF would be a good example of someone who has been through the ringer and the story is the same. So, if any of you have that egotistical thinking that it was just his experience and yours will be different please proceed to grab yourself some baby powder smack yourself in the face. You have to understand that unless the person who is disordered is consistently in therapy and doing the work they will not get better and they will not change. Do not fall prey to the love conquers all BS  fantasy.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[brighter future]

You have to understand that unless the person who is disordered is consistently in therapy and doing the work they will not get better and they will not change. Do not fall prey to the love conquers all BS  fantasy.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Well said SC. I forgot to touch on that in my last post. After we had been together for a few months, she started falling apart emotionally. At first, I attributed it to her pending divorce. That probably was part of it, but a lot of it had to do with the fact that she was abused for several years as a child by a family member. That was never really dealt with much in adult life, and her parents never addressed it while she was a child even though they knew about the abuse.

She had several failed relationships from the time she graduated high school until the time that she married six years later. During that time, she also was abusing alcohol and used it as a coping mechanism. She also told me that she used sex as a coping mechanism during that time period. Additionally, she left her husband and returned several times during their 9 year marriage. When she returned to him for the final time, she convinced him to buy a house, which he agreed to. About 8 months after buying the house, she left him again for the final time and left him holding the bag for the mortgage on the house. The crazy thing is, she told me that when she said to him she'd come back if he bought a house, she said "I was pretty sure it wasn't going to work out, but I went through it anyway." I always had that statement in the back of my mind as well. She wanted us to buy a house together as well, and I thought what if we go through with that and she leaves me just like her ex-husband. More than likely, it would have happened if we would have went through with it.

What I'm about to say goes back to what you said about them needing therapy and that they have to be willing to do the work to get well. She did go to counseling with a psychologist on and off for roughly 3 months about 5 months into our relationship, however, she quit and never returned. After the initial month of counseling, I thought she was functioning much better, but a couple of months after she quit, she slipped back into the same old patterns and behaviors. I observed that she started a pretty bad downhill slide in January 2020, a few months before our breakup. She told me that she needed professional help really bad and asked me for names of some in the area. Shortly after, she said that she was fine only to say that she needed help again a short time later. This happened on and off for the final 3 months we were together. About 1-2 weeks for the breakup, she sent me a phone text message saying: "What were the names of those counselors again? I need someone." I gave her the names again.

At the day of our breakup when she said, "Either we get married or I'm out" she also asked me what my holdup was. I told her my holdup was because of her failure to get the help that she needs to get well and reminded her that she's been crying out for help for several months. I also told her I was concerned that both of her kids have emotional issues, and she was not getting them the help that they needed either. However, I stressed that I would help her and stand with her while she got the help that she needed. After that, she told me: "I don't need help. Counselors don't work for me. This is just the way that I am." Then she gaslighted me and told me that I probably need therapy. We spoke a couple more times after that day, and I was told: "You make me miserable. I can't stand your anxiety and your indecisiveness. You no longer make me happy." Those words hurt for several months. As I said, when I would think about that and get upset, I would remember what she told me a week or two prior: "None of this has anything to do with you."

I'm not around her anymore, so I can't really say how well she is functioning today. One mutual friend told me a few weeks ago that my ex is still mentally ill and still practices the same unhealthy behaviors. They see her and talk to her from time to time because of their connection to her children.  If that is true, then her new husband will have his hands full. This mutual friend of ours also knows her ex-husband and sees him occasionally as well also because of the children. He said that he still finds it strange how she went after high school boyfriend's identical twin brother. We all find it strange. It probably has something to do with living out some type of fantasy. Who knows. Like imstillhere89 said: "Everything they do is unbelievable. 

[tina7868]

She told me not to worry because "none of this has anything to do with you."

I think all of us here could use this reminder every so often.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

Your post has made me reflect on whether I am possibly the person my ex has "waiting" for them...

[BPDEnjoyer]

She had several failed relationships from the time she graduated high school until the time that she married six years later. During that time, she also was abusing alcohol and used it as a coping mechanism. She also told me that she used sex as a coping mechanism during that time period. Additionally, she left her husband and returned several times during their 9 year marriage. When she returned to him for the final time, she convinced him to buy a house, which he agreed to. About 8 months after buying the house, she left him again for the final time and left him holding the bag for the mortgage on the house. The crazy thing is, she told me that when she said to him she'd come back if he bought a house, she said "I was pretty sure it wasn't going to work out, but I went through it anyway." I always had that statement in the back of my mind as well. She wanted us to buy a house together as well, and I thought what if we go through with that and she leaves me just like her ex-husband. More than likely, it would have happened if we would have went through with it.

This I can relate to so much regarding ultimatum buying a house and I will stay or get married or I am out.  Never do ultimatum, they are just manipulation tactic because the bpd will just move the goal post.

My ex push hard for me to get married, but because I didn't have my career going yet, I was holding off on the marriage until I have a stable job.  During this time, my ex just became worse as in more controlling, more angry at me, and the devaluation started.  During the pandemic, she monkey branched behind my back and then ghosted me.  I found her on hinge later, and that is how I know we broke up.  7 years together and poof, it's gone just like that.  I am over her now, but still have lingering resentment toward her. 

[imstillhere89]

My ex didn't give me any ultimatum when we were getting back together ...but I remember after one terrible fight and breakup he said: "shame you have that implant in your arm. If you didn't have it I would like to have a child with you right now". This was shocking to me. How could you want to have a child with someone you just pushed away ...not knowing what the future brings and if we are gonna make it for at least few weeks without a bigger fight? I get goosebumps when I think about it...

[brighter future]

My ex didn't give me any ultimatum when we were getting back together ...but I remember after one terrible fight and breakup he said: "shame you have that implant in your arm. If you didn't have it I would like to have a child with you right now". This was shocking to me. How could you want to have a child with someone you just pushed away ...not knowing what the future brings and if we are gonna make it for at least few weeks without a bigger fight? I get goosebumps when I think about it...

Based on what I've learned over the last couple of years, pwBPD like as many attachments as possible, including children. The more the merrier.  My ex had two children from two different fathers, and she could not care for them properly emotionally or financially. Both children had a lot of emotional issues, especially the oldest child. She was not addressing their emotional problems at all, and the children were really suffering. I did all I could to show them some love and attention, but they really needed professional help. Even though she couldn't take care of the two children that she had, my ex insisted that she wanted at least two more. She told me that she "was destined to have more kids" than the two that she already had. She recently married one of her rebound guys that she's recycled 2 or more times. A mutual friend told me that she expects her new hubby to get her pregnant as soon as possible. The mutual friend heard it from an immediate family member to my ex. 

[imstillhere89]

Some people should never have children. Especially so unstable as BPD.
I always thought that my ex would be a great father. He was so loving, so caring and so warm. I was sure his child would be a priority for him. He used to treat our cat like a child. My heart was melting seeing how he treats the cat.
Now after reading so many stories here on the forum, I have realised him being a great dad would work exactly the same as being great partner. Only when convenient to him and only when he was in a good mood. I'm so happy I was wise enough (pfff  ) not to have any bigger commitment with him.

[BPDEnjoyer]

Some people should never have children. Especially so unstable as BPD.
I always thought that my ex would be a great father. He was so loving, so caring and so warm. I was sure his child would be a priority for him. He used to treat our cat like a child. My heart was melting seeing how he treats the cat.
Now after reading so many stories here on the forum, I have realised him being a great dad would work exactly the same as being great partner. Only when convenient to him and only when he was in a good mood. I'm so happy I was wise enough (pfff  ) not to have any bigger commitment with him.

You are grieving the relationship.  As for your ex-partner, you dodged a big bullet and that is a reason to rejoice to know you didn't have kids or marry the guy. 

[imstillhere89]

True that. I dodged a huuuge bullet. It's hard enough to let go of him now. I can't imagine having him in my life because of children. As far as I know him, he would turn them against me, try to take them away from me or just never let me go away with the children. Either way, he would probably turn my life into a nightmare (even if it feels like he already did).
Everything always had to be his way as he knew everything better. I can imagine all the fights because of children and the way I would look after them and raise them vs how he would do that. I can imagine hearing "you are the worst mother ever" on his bad days and "you are the most amazing mother" on his good days (as this is what I have heard about myself all the time..either amazing or sh*t..either black or white)