Is it normal to feel so alone?

[Tortuga50550]

Hello,

It's the first time I'm writting to someone about my situation. My father, for as long as I know, has always been a mystery to me: he's kind and funny in one moment, and then something doesn't go in his way and starts a fight, breaks things or shouts at people. In the worst cases, he threatens to leave, but then changes his mind and begs you to not abandon him.

When I was a kid, I didn't thought a lot about it? I mean, it's not like I had anything else to compare to. But then I started to grow, and while I didn't like the situation, I also didn't had any way of explaining why I didn't like it. It was my normal way of living, so why it didn't feel like it? And then I started university. And then I went to the psychologist for anxiety and low self-esteem problems. That's when I head about BPD.

He seems to have nearly every criteria to be BPD, except the ones that talk about self-harm. I've never told him, because I read that it wasn't recommended, but I've tried to change my attitude and maybe make him go to the psychologist? The results are...variable I guess.

My father still refuses to think that something in his way of acting could be wrong, and preferes to tell me that it's my fault, that I'm the one being irrespectful and mean to him. And while my mother tries to confort me, I don't feel she understands how the way my father acts really affects me and my mental health. She hasn't even wanted to read the book I bought specifically to know how to deal with this situation.

I love my father, and some part of me still hopes that he'll change. But I feel so alone and hurted in this situation, and I honestly don't know what to do. I thought of moving out, but I don't have an stable job yet, and I'm studying right now (and university is so expensive!). I feel lonely. And worst, I feel like I'm drowing in a cup of water, and his words make me doubt about myself...

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hey Tortuga50550,

I can feel your pain and despair through your writing, touched my heart, and I wanted to let you know that it is normal to feel alone, but also that you are not alone in this situation, and you will find many kindred souls here to support you through those harder moments.

Being raised by someone with BPD might have led you to develop what has been labeled complex PTSD. You will see a few members refer to it on this forum if you browse through the other threads. I don't know if you ever left your home and came back or if you have always been there, coming to the realization from "inside the FOG" instead. Personally, I had to leave and come back to see the illness, I had to have kid to even realize something was "wrong" with my mother. So I'd like to recognize your awareness here, of your capacity to see the abuse from within, this is not an easy feat.

The book C-PTSD: From surviving through thriving, has been a huge help for me. There are other resources on how to deal with someone with BPD. I personally liked the C-PTSD one because it gives us tools to deal with our own condition, developped in direct response to our parent's illness, namely how to reparent ourselves and recognize when we are being triggered into our emotional trauma, and how to get back in control.

Welcome to the forum, we are here for you.  

[pursuingJoy]

Tortuga I feel the weight in your words. It is painful to start but you're on the road to healing and I'm proud of you! It takes courage.

I love my father, and some part of me still hopes that he'll change. But I feel so alone and hurted in this situation, and I honestly don't know what to do. I thought of moving out, but I don't have an stable job yet, and I'm studying right now (and university is so expensive!). I feel lonely. And worst, I feel like I'm drowing in a cup of water, and his words make me doubt about myself...

It's unlikely that your dad will change, but the good news is that you can seek and achieve healing. Until you can get on your feet and be independent, keep seeing a therapist. Read books. Talk to us here. We can relate to what you're going through.

BPD made me feel upside down and it was so disorienting. I questioned everything I thought was true. Finding support was the antidote to all of that. What I learned from this site about setting boundaries completely shifted the dynamic in my BPD relationship.

You're going to be ok. You're not seeing things. What you experienced and what you're seeing is real. You're not alone.

How many years do you have left of university?

[Tortuga50550]

Thank you so much Riv3rW0lf and pursuingjoy for your replies. It helps knowing that it's not me who's imagining things.
I've started the reading of the book you recommended on your reply, Riv3rW0lf, and I'm honestly shocked to wich point it talks to me. It helps being able to give a name to something I've always felt. I thought I was just too sensitive.
Pursuing joy, to your question. It depends. I have two years left to have my bachleor, but I will surely do a master, if I' able a doctoral degree. Though I'm saving money to be able to do my high studies somewhere else, either on another part of the country or even in another country.