Today's thoughts. Almost 8 weeks since break up with uBPDx

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It's a bad day today. Very bad day. Woke up devastated after dreaming about him.
Today is definitely another wasted day. There was so many of them not only in the last 8 weeks but also in the last 2 years  of being with him. I have wasted so many days wondering what's wrong with him, so many days wasted on crying in bed, so many events cancelled due to his rage and breakups...

Today I have realised that I'm scared to live now. I'm scared of this world. And do you know what? I think this is because he has had so much control over me and my life that now I just can't manage by myself. I struggle to be free and to be responsible for everything that happens in my life, at my home and with me. I was thinking...maybe it's like when people come out of jail? They have been locked up for such a long time, that they struggle being out again. Was I a prisoner? If I was, how could I let somebody lock me up for innocence..or maybe I wasn't innocent? Maybe I deserved it... I just hope it wasn't a life sentence...

I have finished stop caring for BPD/NPD book. And I have started stop walking on Eggshells. I was definitely a caretaker. All my life. But never to this extend like with BPDx. My feelings after reading the book?
"I could behave different", "If I only did what they say in the book, there was a chance we could still be together", "why didn't I find this book earlier?" ... so there is still so much guilt inside of me. I thought I've made a big progress but now I feel like going back to square 1.

Tomorrow I'm going to see someone I met online. We have been talking for about 3 weeks now. He seems to be so normal... he knows I'm struggling at the moment but he is very patient. He is fully aware I'm not ready for anything more than friendship, occasional meetings maybe. I'm happy I will go out tomorrow (we are going to the museum and then for a lunch and walk). I'm happy I will get out of this bloody house and meet someone new. But...I feel guilty. And I don't know whether this guilt I'm feeling is towards myself or towards my ex. Maybe it's because I promised myself I'm not gonna meet anyone for a very long time and now I am going to do it? I'm really confused right now.

[imstillhere89]

It's a bad day today. Very bad day. Woke up devastated after dreaming about him.
Today is definitely another wasted day. There was so many of them not only in the last 8 weeks but also in the last 2 years  of being with him. I have wasted so many days wondering what's wrong with him, so many days wasted on crying in bed, so many events cancelled due to his rage and breakups...

Today I have realised that I'm scared to live now. I'm scared of this world. And do you know what? I think this is because he has had so much control over me and my life that now I just can't manage by myself. I struggle to be free and to be responsible for everything that happens in my life, at my home and with me. I was thinking...maybe it's like when people come out of jail? They have been locked up for such a long time, that they struggle being out again. Was I a prisoner? If I was, how could I let somebody lock me up for innocence..or maybe I wasn't innocent? Maybe I deserved it... I just hope it wasn't a life sentence...

I have finished stop caring for BPD/NPD book. And I have started stop walking on Eggshells. I was definitely a caretaker. All my life. But never to this extend like with BPDx. My feelings after reading the book?
"I could behave different", "If I only did what they say in the book, there was a chance we could still be together", "why didn't I find this book earlier?" ... so there is still so much guilt inside of me. I thought I've made a big progress but now I feel like going back to square 1.

Tomorrow I'm going to see someone I met online. We have been talking for about 3 weeks now. He seems to be so normal... he knows I'm struggling at the moment but he is very patient. He is fully aware I'm not ready for anything more than friendship, occasional meetings maybe. I'm happy I will go out tomorrow (we are going to the museum and then for a lunch and walk). I'm happy I will get out of this bloody house and meet someone new. But...I feel guilty. And I don't know whether this guilt I'm feeling is towards myself or towards my ex. Maybe it's because I promised myself I'm not gonna meet anyone for a very long time and now I am going to do it? I'm really confused right now.

[Tupla Sport]

I'm around the same time as you with no contact, though I did see my ex the other day. When I saw her, I felt my fight response flare up. I felt I was better than her. She was lighting up a red label cigarette in the middle of the day, her hands shaking as she was waiting for the traffic light to go green. She didn't use to smoke except Camels when drunk and now she's doing reds in the middle of the day. I have a hunch she has built a new bad girl/femme fatale persona and it's making her smoke... Marlboro reds. It's... crazy.

I felt awful in the evening. Almost had a panic attack. I didn't even consciously think about her. I just felt violated and attacked by seeing this tiny little wreck of a person, lighting up a cigarette I guess.

Every time I get tired, irritated, hungry or otherwise negatively affected by anything, she springs to my mind. First thought in the morning. I have to keep myself ridiculously distracted to keep her out of there.

I wonder if I should move out of my apartment. She lives in my neighborhood and I don't think she will be moving any time soon. I have good resources for moving and it wouldn't be that much of a hassle. When we broke up I thought defiantly that I'm not going to "lose" this breakup further by moving out but I might have to move out. I've lived in this apartment for two and a half years and a year of that was absolute hell with her. I some times get flashbacks of our fights and my rages when I look around in my apartment. I might run into her at our grocery store any day again, or waiting for the bus for that matter. And she's probably dating my ex best friend!

[imstillhere89]

If you have a chance to move - do it! I feel exactly the same about my house at the moment. There is a shelf he installed for me, there is a clock he bought, there is a sofa we used to cuddle on etc... everything reminds him. If I could only move I would do it without a second thought. But I can't do it at the moment.
Also there is no chance I am going to see him anywhere as after breakup he moved back where all his friends live (2.5 hrs away from me). So it's only matter of me getting used to my place again. Without seeing him going thru the gate or cooking in my kitchen...

[DarkKnight]

I am on 12 weeks from my breakup.   Currently-  I live in a house that was bought for her--  with the intention of her moving in earlier this year in January. We rehabbed it together.  THe kitchen was her design-- all the paint in every room was her choice. Her 20 year old daughter did move in this summer when she was back from college until the day of the breakup-- when she went back to college.  Everything about this house with the exception of the financing was her---- and you know what--- I am keeping it and staying.    That was one of my first thoughts too during the early part of the breakup-- was everything about this house will remind me of her--- BUT you know what--- She aint winning!  I am winning!   I am keeping the house--- I love it--- I am finishing the basement now-- to the exact design her and I talked about-- and I am going to love it.  Yeah so what if I get the occasional reminders--- this is the positive I am taking from the failed relationPLEASE READ -- and no ex of mine-- whether they have BPD or not is going to make me alter my life.   I hope both of you can get to that point as well!   Its not OUR loss--- its THEIR loss!

[imstillhere89]

You are right, thank you for that.
My mom says also something like this: "You can't treat this r/s like something completely bad. There were good things and moments too. You lost a lot but he lost more than you. And if you will think about it all negative you will always have that feeling that you wasted your time and effort. Think about good things you learned in this r/s and what you gained and that will make you feel like you didn't waste 2 years of your life"