Boundaries with Sister-in-Law, 32 years, and it never gets any easier

[happycolors]

Hi,

First time poster. Looking for a community as I enter a new phase with my sister-in-law. 

Her sole source of support died March 2022, and she now is faced with having to live independently --emotionally, financially.  Overall she is healthy, but deals with sensitivity to smell.  She has never been able to hold a job.  She isolates herself, but then leans heavily on my husband emotionally (25 yr stable marriage).  His boundary with her is way too porous.

I honor that she is my husband's sister, but I am uninterested in her leaning on us in a co-dependent way.  Everyone in the family struggles with her --she weaves these nebulous rings about herself, and yet, we are all extraordinarily aware of her precarious living circumstance now. Her parents did not give her any consequences, and in just giving her money, their time, hoped it would help. It never does. She's like a termite---flying looking for the next tree to host on --and for the health of my nuclear family...I have had to navigate firm boundaries.

I feel like sometime soon it will be important to clarify to her what those boundaries are, and I want to do so in a loving, empathetic way. 

Not sure if this is even the right community, but she doesn't go to counseling and doesn't have a firm diagnosis.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi happycolors! 

Welcome, and yes, you're on the right board. This board is for those with a parent, sibling, or in law struggling with BPD or the symptoms that are similar to it. Most of us don't have a diagnosis for our loved one, but we seek help because of how hard it is to navigate life with them. My mom was an uBPD. I sought therapy for myself so that I could learn how to better navigate life with her and so I could heal from the wounds. Do you have a T?

Have you read any books about BPD? I have several I could suggest, but I'll wait to hear back from you so that I don't repeat something that you've already looked at.

Take care,
Wools

[happycolors]

Hi there,

Thank you for reply.  Yes, I have a T, and it has been immensely helpful.  In fact, I restarted T right have my mother-in-law passed (who sis in law, age 58, has lived with most of her life), as I knew I would need the support in dealing with my sister-in-law.  Having conversations with her can feel like I'm talking to an alien...and I do my best to be a duck, let the reactions wash away, and move on, and be kind as possible while keeping in my lane.

I would be interested in recommended books. Thank you!

[zachira]

Similar situations to what you are describing with your SIL are common in many families and are familiar to many members here. I have many disordered family members, and the hard part is indeed that it seems to never get any easier, in that the disordered people continue to push our boundaries and it gets more and more tiring with time. If the disordered person were not a relative and we were in a position to do so, many people would certainly decide to not have this type of person you are describing your SIL to be in their lives. You are working on the boundaries with your SIL. Can you tell us what boundaries you have right now with both your SIL and husband regarding your SIL?

[kells76]

happycolors, I want to join with Woolspinner2000 & zachira to welcome you to the group. Good to hear back from you that you have a therapist... I think there's no such thing as "too much support" when there's a pwBPD (person with BPD) in your life.

You mentioned being interested in book recommendations; we do have a nice list of titles here: Library: Book Club, previews and discussions

so feel free to settle in, check out some reading, and post whenever works for you.

-kells76