Quick to judge others while blind to own behavior

[cle216]

Hi All,

It's been awhile since I've posted here. I'm having this repeated experience with my mother lately and wonder if it resonates with any of you.

My uncle recently passed away after being in a nursing facility for a couple years after experiencing a debilitating seizure. Long story but my aunt is dating now. My mom is frequently coming to me with judgement on her behavior while dating this man and I'm often at a loss of how to respond because she's judging behavior that she has either exhibited herself or shown in a much more escalated way compared to my aunt. It's interesting her observation of it in someone else with harsh judgment as if she never acted similarly.

A couple examples...my aunt has been with this man for several months now, maybe 4 or 5? My mom just goes on about how he is weaseling his way in her life and looking for a place to live and that it's "just nuts" that she would let him do that this quickly. My mother has been married 7 times. One of them they were engaged within a week. Another, dated while I was in high school and still living at home she had him making plans to move in with us a few months in.

Another scenario she can't let go of is that my aunt's boyfriend will be joining us for Christmas. I don't see the big deal. My mom wants to host and keeps mentioning to me why this man needs to come to our family Christmas. Her statements are that this is for family, they're "just dating" and she thinks he is creepy. Again...my mother has been married 7 times. She's brought a variety of men to our family holidays and sometimes their children without advanced planning. Two of our Christmases had plans upheaved because of the behavior of a husband and his children.

On that last point I shared with her kindly that we have always accepted the men she has brought over and we should do the same for my aunt. On many of her other points I just stay quiet and listen and not offer much of a response because it is very surprising the lack of observation of herself on not just one instance, but several instances that she has shown before.

Often when I post here I feel like I don't have much of a point or looking for specific responses. But looking to share with maybe those who can relate and to help me process this. I'm trying to avoid wasting time being overly logical with someone who may not be able to be the same, and not looking to hurt her unnecessarily or start an argument for something I'm not involved in.

Thanks for listening...

[Riv3rW0lf]

Yes,

I recognize this behavior in my BPD mother.

I came up to the conclusion that it might be a way of bonding for her... She talks against other people and judge them, as a way to bond with me, because she has nothing else to say it seems.. When I realized what was happening, and when I stopped engaging in those discussions, I remember she started feeling unnerved with me. Like I wasn't on her team anymore? That I would talk against her, projecting what she was doing on me. It was interesting.

I also notice it is hard for her to talk about herself... Maybe because she has a low sense of self... Whether this is true or not, it just seems like she cannot keep herself from judging others... Maybe also as a way to make herself feel better. Also because it is easier to judge others on what she doesn't like about herself, than to discuss her own shame...

[pursuingJoy]

cle216, it does sound like projection. It's fascinating because to me, it seems she recognizes that her behaviors are maladaptive and sometimes harmful to others. She can't own her own behavior but she'll call it out in other people.

She talks against other people and judge them, as a way to bond with me, because she has nothing else to say it seems.. When I realized what was happening, and when I stopped engaging in those discussions, I remember she started feeling unnerved with me. Like I wasn't on her team anymore?

Oh yes, this.

[cle216]

cle216, it does sound like projection. .

This is helpful to understand. Being able to name or describe the behavior is really helpful for me in processing and letting it go. Thank you.

I came up to the conclusion that it might be a way of bonding for her...

I also notice it is hard for her to talk about herself... Maybe because she has a low sense of self...

Such interesting points. It is true that when I try to defend my aunt or give a different perspective the response from my mother is as if I'm offending her when we aren't even talking about her. But to pursuing Joy's point...the projection ...it probably feels as though I am offending her.

For my mom, she doesn't have a hard time talking about herself generally. Usually it's the opposite problem. For example if I have a medical issue I want to talk to her about, all of a sudden she starts responding by sharing her somewhat related issue that she self diagnoses and and hijacks the conversation. But when it comes to these shortcomings like in relationships and behavior, taking ownership is very difficult or even impossible for her right now.

Thanks for your responses. Her perspective and judgment is so bizarre when I think of her own behavior that it really paralyzes me from responding. Maybe I don't need to get caught up in responding and feeding it but it's like we are in different realities. It almost seems comical to hear her make these statements regarding her exact behaviors she regularly engages in. But...as I talk myself into processing this...maybe I need to remember I'm her child in this situation and I don't need to "fix" her. It's just frustrating to listen to and I can't validate her frustration for feeling irritated when she hurts my aunt's feelings and my aunt lets her know.

[Notwendy]

My father was co-dependent with my BPD mother. A couple they know has similar dynamics. We'll call them Fred and Mary (not their real names). BPD mother frequently comments about how co-dependent Fred it with Mary and how he does all these things for her - the same things my father dis for my mother, yet somehow she's critical of how much Fred is enabling his wife.

We just keep our mouths shut as she says this and nod but it's weird to hear her say this.

[cle216]

We just keep our mouths shut as she says this and nod but it's weird to hear her say this.

Thanks for sharing your experience Notwendy. This is probably a response for me to consider too. I have to think on what is my purpose in responding. I'm probably not going to change her thought process or convince her of my perspective. And in this case it's not really worth my energy and becoming my problem too.

[zachira]

My BPD mother and father with narcissistic traits had the most unkind unfair things to say about people, particularly their scapegoat siblings. The only thing that ever worked was for me to walk away when they began venting about these people. It was really all about my parents' inability to take a look at themselves, and the need to find fault with others to feel better about themselves.