Do BPDs not hear themselves?

[zanyapple]

My mother and father who still live in the same house, have always had a tumultuous relationship. Growing up, it was very toxic, lots of screaming, name calling, etc.

My mother recently texted me that my dad just cussed at her and his yelling loudly is embarrassing her from the neighbors.

But I know 100% that my dad doesn't really yell or yap away like that without being triggered. Yes, he has the tendency to be short-tempered, but he will typically just say a couple words then move on. I know from experience that my mother is the epitome of nagging. She will even wake you up in the middle of the night just to nag or attack you. If you don't engage, she will say the most ridiculous things just to push your buttons, but at the same time, if you do engage, this will heighten her anger - so damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I understand that BPDs don't have accountability, but it seems to me that she think my dad (or me or anyone really) just say mean things to her unprovoked? Does she not at least hear herself? I mean, she has ears.

Edit: Do I respond to her text? If yes, what do I say? I did not say anything yet because I know she is still at the height of her anger (and this will last at least several days), so anything I say will trigger her. And I know her response will be, "You always take your dad's side", her typical response. I'm also just planning to ignore it, but that may upset her as well, but I don't want to sugar coat what I say. I never have said anything "just to make her feel better" because I never felt right about it.

[zanyapple]

I know I may be prejudice of her, but if she triggers someone, I know it's almost always her fault.

[LifewithEase]

In my homework and experience: no they do not hear themselves but it is more complicated.

They hear the overblown narrative that has been stewing and escalating in their mind... spinning out of control, crafting an alternative reality (many times based in logic).

[Methuen]

I understand that BPDs don't have accountability, but it seems to me that she think my dad (or me or anyone really) just say mean things to her unprovoked? Does she not at least hear herself? I mean, she has ears.

I hope this doesn't come across badly...and I mean it in the kindest way possible, but no she doesn't hear herself in the way you are asking.  She may have ears, but that doesn't mean what's between them works the same way as it does for us nons.  

Trying to explain the problem with a relationship conflict to her in the kindest way possible will still blow up in your face, as you said.  

My mother recently texted me that my dad just cussed at her and his yelling loudly is embarrassing her from the neighbors.

She is trying to draw you into her drama.  No, I would not respond to this text.  In the beginning it is hard to not respond, because you are changing a pattern and "the game" and yes she will push back against this too.  But it is the better way to go.  It is best to stick with this boundary of not getting sucked into their relationship issues. They are adults.  This is their problem to deal with.  You can't fix it. And getting involved will probably escalate for you, if not also for them.

[zanyapple]

Trying to explain the problem with a relationship conflict to her in the kindest way possible will still blow up in your face, as you said.   She is trying to draw you into her drama.  No, I would not respond to this text.  In the beginning it is hard to not respond, because you are changing a pattern and "the game" and yes she will push back against this too.  But it is the better way to go.  It is best to stick with this boundary of not getting sucked into their relationship issues. They are adults.  This is their problem to deal with.  You can't fix it. And getting involved will probably escalate for you, if not also for them.

Sometimes, she will tell me that she is only venting and wants me to hear her out because she has no one else to talk to. But I'm not sure where I draw the line - venting vs drawing me into her drama?

I've been hearing this since I was little. I am now 40 and things have never changed.

[fisher101]

Sometimes, she will tell me that she is only venting and wants me to hear her out because she has no one else to talk to. But I'm not sure where I draw the line - venting vs drawing me into her drama?

I've been hearing this since I was little. I am now 40 and things have never changed.

My response would be this "I don't care, you are both adults, work it out"

[Tortuga50550]

I think they hear themselves. But recognicing that what they do is wrong would be doubting their whole existence. So they look away from the problem, and try to bring as many people in it as they can, so someone will be on "their side".
It's twisted, but I have seen it with my father a lot of times. They know it, deep down. They are just not able nor ready to handle the truth.

[Couscous]

She’s crossing a generational boundary by venting to you, and this is something you absolutely have the right to set firm limits on. If she has no one else then she needs to get out and make some friends.

I really think that avoiding hearing the things your mother says will improve your life dramatically. It’s really not in one’s best interests to be available to a parent with BPD on an “on call” basis. Personally, I have blocked my mother on all messaging platforms and it has made a huge difference in my life. Ideally you would limit your contact with your mother to a phone call at a set time and frequency, like once a week, and for a set, brief duration, like say, 10 minutes.

Ignoring her texts is likely going to be very challenging, and even if you succeed, it will still spike your adrenaline every time you see/hear one of her messages — which is extremely bad for your longterm health. Adrenaline is the most addictive substance in the world though, so it is not easy disengaging from drama for this reason. If the thought of not being available to your mother in this way spikes your anxiety, I recommend trying a grounding exercise. By grounding myself after setting a major limit on my mother the other day, my anxiety completely vanished within five minutes, so perhaps this is something worth experimenting with. I did it afterwards, but would recommend doing it before setting the limit, and again afterwards if needed.