MIL with BPD traits disturbing my peace of mind

[Linabub]

Hello, I am reaching out for support in dealing with the drama associated with BPD MIL. I apologize for the long post, I really need to vent.

My husband and I have been together for 3 years and have been married for 4 months. My MIL lives about 350 miles away and I didn't have to interact too much with her due to COVID travel restrictions until a year ago, so I had no idea what I was getting into. She is divorced and has since then been in two long term relationships. She lost her partner around 3 years ago and also lost her mom around the same time. Since then, her BPD traits have really emerged. She has not been officially diagnosed, but has all the symptoms. She feels very lonely and is also not in a good financial situation (her father supports her). When travel restrictions eased a year ago, she visited us for 3 weeks. That was the first time I was spending a lot of time with her. While everything seemed ok at first, I had some annoyance about her being in my space all the time. She was also drinking a lot of wine and then either getting very weepy or giggly and I really didn't want to put up with it, but I still did. One night, she stayed up late and watched TV. I had a really early morning at work the next day and kept saying we need to go to bed, but she kept watching TV anyway. We then had a heart-to-heart talk and she apologized and everything seemed fine after that. I shared some personal stuff with her because I thought we were bonding and I trusted her.

A month before our wedding, we had a lot going on as it was completely a DIY wedding and we only had weekends to plan and do stuff. She insisted on visiting us during this time and my H didn't say no. I was mad that he was not prioritizing our wedding, but I felt like I couldn't do much. It was thankfully an uneventful visit, but by now I had already begun to dread seeing her. It was not like there was anything major that had happened between us but I just felt very uneasy and did not want to see her. I was also upset about how averse I was to her and felt like an unsupportive partner.

We have had a rough couple of months. A month after our wedding, our beloved dog passed away suddenly. She was very very dear to us and we have been grieving her loss. We bought a tree and planted it in our yard in her memory and scattered her ashes around it. We also created a garden around the tree and it is now her special place. Three weeks ago, my H's brother was visiting. My MIL was also supposed to visit, but we hadn't heard from her at all, so my H said she wasn't coming. I was relieved to hear that, because she also has a chaotic dog and I wasn't ready to have another dog in our house yet. Then a few days later, my husband's brother told us that she was coming. We were both taken aback, because she had not communicated with us about her visit at all. We have a little house behind our house and we decided that she can be there with her dog during the visit. I was at work when she arrived and my H and his brother were out and arrived a few minutes after she arrived, so she had already settled herself in the guest bedroom in our house. When my H told her that we intended for her to be in the little house, she said that she thought it would be better if my H's brother and his girlfriend could be in that house for more privacy and she would be in our house. My H called me and told me about all this. Again, I felt like I couldn't really do much about it, so I tried to make the best of the situation. She did her usual- drinking a lot of wine and this time, smoking pot as well. The next morning, I found that her dog had destroyed the special garden that we had made for our dog. She claimed that it was probably deer that did it. I knew she was lying because I had seen her dog run over the plants and so had my brother-in-law. Anyway, I was really upset and not wanting to say anything, I just went into my bedroom and was crying. My H said to her that he thought her dog did it and she just said, "whatever, that's what dogs do". Then he told her that I was really upset, so she came into my room and apologized. It didn't mean anything because I knew she didn't care and didn't mean it, so I just said "ok". I was really shaken by the whole thing, and so I just made up excuses that I had to work and spent the next two days from morning to evening at a friend's place. One of the evenings, they all went out for dinner while I was still at my friend's house, and there my H found out that she was leaving on Thursday (we had thought she was leaving on Tuesday). He knew I would not be happy, and so he said to her that he thought she was leaving on Tuesday. She stormed out of the restaurant. He then called me up and told me about this. He was worried that she would do something to herself. Her brother committed suicide in his late teens, so he was worried about it. She was fine though and was at home when they got back.
The next morning, when I woke up, she confronted me and said that she is leaving and never coming back and that she feels very unwelcome. I tried to talk to her logically but my mind went blank and I struggled. I did manage to express my needs though and establish some boundaries- I told her that she is welcome to visit us but needs to let us know exact dates. We have busy lives and other things going on, so we need to know that. She didn't accept it though and said that she didn't know she had to inform us if she wanted to visit her own son, because she birthed him! I also said that she may not understand my grief, but I need her to respect it. I also said that I didn't like her smoking around our house. I said I'm not judging and she is free to do what she wants, but to not do it on our property. She was crying and said that she did it because she didn't want to feel. She also said that she would have left immediately if she was rich and would have gone to a hotel, but she had a house sitter that was going to be at her house until Thursday and she had to think about him too. Anyway, she left the next day, and before she left, we hugged and even though I didn't have to, I ended up apologizing and said I was sorry for all the drama. I was later annoyed that I apologized.

I have been really disturbed by this whole incident. I have had my share of trauma in my childhood- a mother with low self esteem that imposed all her unfulfilled dreams on me and my sister. She then died of liver disease when I was 13. I became the caregiver to my sister and my dad. I was never able to take care of my own needs. My dad is an alcoholic and my sister and I have always had to take care of him emotionally. During those initial years after the loss of my mom, I was his emotional sounding board and he used to talk to me about how sad he was. I learned to suppress my needs and tried to protect him from any difficulties I had. Now, I am a high achiever and a perfectionist. I am very hard on myself and have always been taking care of others' needs. More recently, I have been working on myself and have finally been learning to understand my needs and trying to assert myself. When I do express my needs though, I feel very guilty. My H has had a somewhat similar kind of role as a child. The problem is that we are disagreeing on how to deal with my MIL. He feels very loyal to his family and feels that there is nothing wrong in helping his mom. When I bring up enmeshment, he gets angry. When he tries to establish boundaries, he feels terrible (and so do I) because he says he can imagine what she feels (that she is bring rejected). She sent him a long text yesterday that she is really struggling and wishes that she dies soon and that her worst fears that we will reject her have come true. I can't help feeling guilty, I feel like a bad partner and don't know what to do. The stress has a direct effect on my body. I suffer from fibromyalgia and the pain has been really intense after this whole episode. We are doing couple's therapy and I am in individual therapy as well. Does anybody have advice or had similar experiences?   

[Methuen]

Hi Linabub

Welcome to our forum.

Thank you for  trusting this forum and sharing your story. I am sorry for what you are experiencing with your MIL, and also the downwind effect she is having on your relationship with your H and, also on your health.  

You are showing great awareness.  It seems your H does not yet have this level of awareness.  Does he like to think his family situation is pretty normal?  Or does he “see” his mother’s behavior and how it affects you as problematic?  

I think when you were finding yourself struggling being around MIL, that was your gut telling you something was wrong, and that you needed to protect yourself.  I can understand why you vacated and stayed at a friends for 2 days.  Trust you gut.  It’s clearly trying to help and protect you.  

You haven’t done anything wrong here.  Make that your mantra.  Your MIL and others may say things to make you feel guilty, or obligated or both.   Doing so is dysfunctional behavior.  Again, you have done nothing wrong, despite any blame being directed at you.  

This is a time to be especially kind to yourself.  What does that look like for you?  

Post as often as you want to or need to.

[pursuingJoy]

Hello friend. I've been through so much of what you described, from the weird discomfort that you can't quite put a finger on to the drinking wine and saying inappropriate things to the enmeshed relationship between H and MIL. Their lack of boundaries wreaked havoc on my marriage for 3 years until I found this site.

I'm so, so sorry your special garden was destroyed. People with BPD have a way of finding our triggers and setting them off. MIL likely sensed that was incredibly special to you. My husband says his mom can't help it, the more you tell her not to do something, the more she feels compelled to do exactly that.

MIL will find a way to upset you. You'll go to your husband looking for support. H will feel paralyzed and try to minimize to keep the peace, which will only make you feel alienated. MIL has now created a space for herself in your marriage. It's called the Karpman triangle.

Finding a way to unite with your husband is absolutely critical. It may not help to explain any of how you feel to your husband. The more I explained, the more frustrated I got. If your H isn't willing to set boundaries, it's because he is genuinely too scared to do it. He knows her in ways you don't, yet. He has had a lifetime of conditioning, and you may find that he even has some good tricks up his sleeve to calm her down. He may get where you are in time, but if he's not there yet, focus on the parts you can control.

It is ok for you to set boundaries for yourself. Here are some that I've set for me:

1. I value my privacy. I've asked H not to share personal information with MIL. We are both aware that she reshares everything, the way she wants to, and she's created rifts in the family by doing so.
2. I value my relationship with her and want to make visits as positive as possible. This means reducing downtime. When I visit her with H, visits are planned to the hour, and they are structured with activities to keep conversation focused.
3. I value my peace and the safety of my home. We finally reached a point where MIL is welcome to visit for the day, but no longer welcome to stay the night in our home.

H was upset at all of the above, but with reassurance and repetition, he has calmed over time. I really think he appreciates some of these boundaries, and they've shown him that people can and do say no to his mom.

You learned some important things about your MIL's visits - she will come and go as she pleases, with no intent to inform you of her plans. Can you start there?

[livednlearned]

Finding a way to unite with your husband is absolutely critical. 

This is so true.

Your husband, seeing your distress, may feel he is being asked to choose between you and MIL. That is the fear-based response when no alternative seems to present itself.

Your task is to find the alternative, to learn what it means to be an emotional leader in a family that thinks drama triangulation is normal.

With my in-law (adult stepdaughter), I had to be in therapy. I worked with a woman who had me itemize the issues that drove me nuts, and from there I devised strategies and tactics to neutralize SD. It took a while, and I am certain we will never be close. I don't trust her, and never will.

I began to see the ways in which SD was setting up the drama triangle that pursuingJoy mentioned. It felt most unmanageable when she was living with us.

Similar to PursuingJoy I had issues with SD25 and privacy. She didn't just come into our bedroom, she would purposefully find reasons to hang out on our bed. She came into my bathroom several times and once when I was getting out of the shower. Unlike a normal person, she stood there and said she was looking for her dad. What grown woman looks for her dad in the bathroom?

My first approach was a disaster and ended up creating so much discord between me and H that he felt I was asking him to choose between me and SD25.

If that happens, then it means your in-law has sown discord and created a loyalty bind. You have to reframe the narrative and that can take time and lots of tiny little changes.

When H failed to keep SD25 out of our bedroom, I had to take a different approach.

I would lock our bedroom door, and simply mentioned casually to H that the lock gave me peace of mind and it was a healthy boundary. As opposed to my earlier approach, which was to vent to H about SD25 coming into our bedroom and bathroom and insisting he do something.

H never complained about the locked door. I believe it's because he knows deep down SD25 is a steamroller. The problem is he's afraid of her on some level. Once I started taking care of myself, even if it inconvenienced him (he kept encountering a locked bedroom door), he felt some sense of relief. I wouldn't say he expressed that relief, it's more that I sensed it and he began to trust that what I was doing was preferable to talking about SD25's issues.

Your H will probably regress emotionally anytime his mom is involved, and he won't have wiring in his brain to show healthy ways of managing her. You'll be the person doing that, showing him what emotional leadership looks like.

My therapist said to me that H is a great guy in every way, but when it comes to SD25, he is a bit nuts. I kind of interpreted that to mean that when SD25 is involved, he is less my partner and more like another child. I don't mean that in a derogatory way, I mean that emotionally he regresses and doesn't think as well. He gives in to his worst instincts and can't really be reasoned with.

The bedroom/bathroom privacy is simply one of dozens of examples. I began to pay attention to how I felt, what irritated or angered me, and then worked things out when I was calmer. When H and I were close, I would mention how I planned to handle any incidents similar to ones that happened before.

"When we make plans to do something and your kids invite themselves without checking with me, I'll take a raincheck. We can do stuff at another time."

Easy breezy. Here's what isn't ok, here's how I'll respond. Less words is better.

When you're tested, he won't like it, but he'll also know you explained the rules clearly, and now he's in a position of defending his strange choices instead of fighting with you about your boundaries.

None of this is easy but I have faith that pwBPD can be neutralized when they're in an in-law position. And if it means going to someone's house to get your head straight, that's perfectly ok. Eventually, you'll practice having boundaries that allow you to take back your home and relationship with H. It won't be easy, but it can be done.