My husband had bpd and I am so exhausted with his outbreaks and denial

[Sparkle216]

  Been married for 12 years with 2 kids now.  Was figuring out all this while,  trying to change myself all this while, trying to be calm all this while, living in fear all this while ... but now I am done! I am really screaming inside and want him to just go away from my life! But during good times,  he's a good father (although I feel it looks fake but my kids do feel ok about him on good days).  I am tired of this roller coaster ride with him.  I need counselling and protection.
I am generally a happy person and my friends love me.  I was basically living of that but now I am really beginning to feel sad and ashamed of having to living with this guy and having to face verbal abuse during the outbreak. Please help!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hello Sparkle216, glad you found us 

Sounds like you really hit a "breaking point" recently in your relationship -- trying so many things over the years, but like you said, now you're feeling done.

And of course, that takes a toll, as you start to face the reality of what has been going on -- the roller coaster, the fear, the verbal abuse.

I read that you recognize you need some counseling. Join the club  That's a wise perspective to have; when there's a pwPD (person with a personality disorder) in our lives, the more support we have, the better.

...

Couple of questions for you as you settle in here:

How old are your kids, and how have they been doing with the conflict?

How did you learn about BPD, and does your H have an "official" diagnosis?

What would you say the top few key issues are in your relationship? I.e., you mentioned verbal abuse; is that one? Are there other top conflicts?

...

This is a safe place to feel whatever you feel about your relationship, including sadness and shame. Many members here have had similar experiences and will understand where you're coming from. I hope we can be supportive of you, however you're feeling, as you figure out how you'd like your relationship to be going forward.

-kells76

[Jim...0_0]

I am here for similar reasons. My wife of 16 years has bpd and roller coaster is the perfect analogy. And the exhaustion is no joke--mentally and physically. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I get it. It is ridiculously difficult. Glad you're here.

[Husband2014]

You’re definitely not alone. I’m in the same boat. Married 7.5 years and finally figured it out about a year ago. A lot of things got better but still have issues of her teeing off in fromt of the kids. I’m able to contain it quickly but don’t want them to see this.  Sooner or later I will have to do something about it in terms of applying boundaries.  I just haven’t mustered the mental strength and will to do it.  The last year took a toll on me to be able to wire myself to this sad relaity and kinda took a mental break. Now I have to pick it up again before she thinks it’s ok to do what she does.

[SaltyDawg]

Broken record here.

Been together nearly 22 years, married for just over 19-1/2.

She does know something is wrong, but denies it is BPD as that would make her 'crazy'.

T [therapists] are working on her 'anger management issues' but refuse to call it BPD even though it presents exactly like the more traditional version of it.

[Pook075]

I'm also in the same boat.  Married 24 years, together 26 total, separated for about 3.5 months now.  I never saw it for what it was, never realized the cycles my wife went through until her ire recently turned on me.  It completely broke my heart and it's taken me several months to realize that our marriage had all kinds of problems I just ignored to be there for my wife.

Still hoping to reconcile, but only if she can love me and be there for me like a wife should.

[yellowbutterfly]

Mine was less than a year of marriage but the exhaustion, living in fear, and roller coaster are no joke! It completely broke me too.

I've been doing a lot of self-care for myself throughout the process of deciding what I wanted and then ultimately divesting from the relationship. I've found meditation, yoga, pilates, breathing exercises, long walks, and journaling all to be grounding.

A few questions/thoughts for you:
- How are you taking care of yourself?
- You said you need "counseling". Do you have a therapist, or are you ready to look into therapy for yourself?
- You said you need "protection". What does that feel/look like to you? I found this forum to be immensely helpful with wisdom. I also found some of the local resources for me on DV and IPV helpful as well. My T told me to surround myself with rational friends/family to help me get back to thinking rationally v. emotionally (you don't have to tell them about it if you don't want to). That was pivotal for me to get some clarity.

[SaltyDawg]

Pook,

Still hoping to reconcile, but only if she can love me and be there for me like a wife should.

Become an expert in BPD [my book recommendations are below].  Make sure that she is BPD and not Bipolar [both present similarly with some differences, but are different in treatment].  Are there any comorbidities like NPD?  Do a deep dive on yourself and make sure you didn't contribute to the issue.

No one can change unless they are willing to change.  Most (not all) BPD's will not change.  The key is to make them 'self-aware' which is incredibly hard to do for the conventional 'violent' borderline with symtpoms/traits that they can see [Suicide, domestic violence, etc.], and extremely unlikely for the high-functioning 'hidden' borderline.

When she left you, did she tell you why? 

Practice 'self-care'.  This includes getting a good therapist for yourself that can help you out, if you haven't already done so, get one for yourself.  Also, you need to change [grow] emotionally so you can deal with the fallout of your separation as it is devastating.

My top two book recommendations on the topic are:

Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad

Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger

[Pook075]

When she left you, did she tell you why? 

At first, she said that we just weren't happy anymore.  She was super depressed for about a month, the doc boosted her depression meds, and eventually she realized that she was starting to feel happy at work (she's a caretaker of a handicapped individual) but not at home.  But then she became hyper-focused on everything that I did wrong over the years, became obsessed with the person she cared for, and just self-destructed our relationship by 100% shutting me out.

We did try to briefly reconcile twice, but her emotions were all over the place and she couldn't process how much I changed in a short period of time (I was much more loving, compassionate).  She's only become more hostile since then and wants nothing to do with me now.

Practice 'self-care'.  This includes getting a good therapist for yourself that can help you out, if you haven't already done so, get one for yourself.  Also, you need to change [grow] emotionally so you can deal with the fallout of your separation as it is devastating.

Thanks, I have seen two therapists and they essentially said that I probably don't need therapy other than for support.  I'm active in my church and that's made a world of difference as well.  I certainly contributed to our problems by being a workaholic and 'walking on eggshells' when she was distant or sad; there's so much I see now that were clear warning signs over the years.  But I can't change that, I can only change today and tomorrow.

My wife is still stuck in the past and unwilling to communicate since she's so afraid of reconciliation and being hurt again.  I can't change that either, but I continue to let her know that I'm here for her if she ever wants to talk.  I haven't given up but I've also faced reality...she may never give this another chance since she rejects the diagnosis and any sort of counseling or therapy. 

The only thing I have going for me is that my wife's always been a devout Christian and she knows that she's in the wrong for just walking away.  Pretty sure she hasn't cheated (yet) and probably won't.  So I still have faith and I'm letting this play out while I wait on her.

My top two book recommendations on the topic are:

Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad

Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger

One of my daughter's has BPD and we've read the eggshells book years ago, trying to find it so I can read it again.  I will check out the Caretaking book, thanks a bunch!  I already know I'm guilty there because I've handled everything the past 24 years so my wife didn't have to.

[SaltyDawg]

just self-destructed our relationship by 100% shutting me out.
I'm feeling that way, at least emotionally.  Love Bank deposits are between 99:1 and 100:0 when they should be +/- 50:50.  Even though she has become partially self aware, she is also shutting me out.  Going to address that with the couple's T tomorrow.  I intend on bringing this up for a 2nd week straight with the couple's T to see if some change can happen.  Only doing it in Therapy as this is triggering to my wife.

I'm active in my church and that's made a world of difference as well.  I certainly contributed to our problems by being a workaholic and 'walking on eggshells' when she was distant or sad; there's so much I see now that were clear warning signs over the years.  But I can't change that, I can only change today and tomorrow.

Same here. 

The only thing I have going for me is that my wife's always been a devout Christian and she knows that she's in the wrong for just walking away.  Pretty sure she hasn't cheated (yet) and probably won't.  So I still have faith and I'm letting this play out while I wait on her.
Same here, but she is getting help for her symptoms, and not the root cause.  Working with the couple's T on that.

One of my daughter's has BPD and we've read the eggshells book years ago, trying to find it so I can read it again.  I will check out the Caretaking book, thanks a bunch!  I already know I'm guilty there because I've handled everything the past 24 years so my wife didn't have to.
Make sure you get the most recent edition 3rd edition, as there is a lot of updates in there from the 2nd edition.  I know my kids have been negatively affected, one has AN (diagnosed) with OCPD (undiagnosed).  The other has anger management, and split and rages like a borderline, but too young to address at 11yo.