SIL silent treatment

[Calico Star]

I guess I should start off by saying that as far as I know my SIL has not been diagnosed with BPD however I fully believe she is.
So for at least 4 years I've been given the silent treatment by my SIL. Sometimes it also extends to my husband. On rare occasions she will talk to me and then it goes back to the silent treatment.
I've tried talking to her once about her issues with me and it was met with we will never be friends and accusations of flashing her husband which never happened.
She also accuses him of bogus things and their relationship is on and off again.
It's to the point that my husband and I don't even want to be around her or the family because we are just tired of it. We feel obligated to go to holidays and other occasions but we don't want to. I get horrible anxiety and while there it just feels like hell.
I get this is a tactic to control me and I've tried to ignore it and tried to be friendly but I really struggle with it. I have my own trauma that I deal with and it doesn't mix well with the situation.
I do feel sorry for her issues and wish I could be more empathetic to her
What are ways you use to cope with the silent treatment and not let it bother you? Or at what point do you decide you've had enough and cut someone like that out of your life?

[pkfrompa]

"I get this is a tactic to control me and I've tried to ignore it and tried to be friendly but I really struggle with it."
My suggestion would be to stop trying to be friendly.  Don't be rude, just don't keep trying to be friendly.  Her stuff is not your stuff and she's not even related to you so focus on people in attendance who you genuinely like and who treat you well.  If there's silence then sit in it.  Just stop trying.  Nothing you do will make a difference in her behavior anyway anyway and she's not putting any effort into the relationship so let her go.
Remember you can't make her like you anymore than you can make her dislike you.  The important thing is that you like you, and it sounds like that involves letting her go.
You're not alone and you're not nuts, many of us know how you feel. Best wishes to you.

[Riv3rW0lf]

JackieS...

Yeah... The silent treatment always gets to me as well. This was my BPD mother's main weapon, and it was followed and intercut by such rages and violence that I learned to fear silence... In some ways, the silence felt even more dangerous than the rages, because it set the stage, the anxiety... I knew something was coming and that there was no way around it. I'd start tiptoeing, cleaning, making myself small... ANYTHING, to prevent the abuse. Nothing worked. So yes... Even today, when someone, anyone, give me the silent treatment, I become awfully anxious.

And OF COURSE, I married a man who's family deal with issues in a covert manner... so OF COURSE, silent treatment is the go to of my mother-in-law ! So I get it... I get you. I understand where you are coming from. They are not related to us, but it triggers us so very badly at times, and it feels so hard to manage... And it doesn't necessarily warrant cutting contact either. In my case, it doesn't anyway...

So... I am slowly becoming better at it (ish). I think desensitization is key... When your SIL gives you the silent treatment... Ignore it. It is hard. We want to confront, we feel shame, we don't understand, we are confused, we are triggered... But in the end: they are not related to us, and they don't matter.

Who matters? your husband, your children (if you have any)... the family you have chosen and made for yourself matter... Not SIL. And for me, not MIL.

Truly, I couldn't care less what MIL thinks... She is not the one I am building my life with. As long as H and I are on the same page, and we are... She can ignore me as much as she'd like, scoff at me, give me the cold shoulder, blame me... I aim to not give two cents about it... Because in the end : H has MY back, not hers. I won the game long ago when I married him, and the only one she is hurting with those behaviors is herself, because then she cannot see her grandchildren as often (because I stopped visiting), and she doesn't get to be a part of MY family... and you know what? I have lots of love and good things to give, and she will miss on those.. The power shifted a long time ago when I became an adult... I can defend myself now.

She triggered me so badly, I wrote posts about it... I felt powerless... Until I realized I wasn't. I am actually the one in power because my H has my back, fully.

So bottom line is : are you and your H on the same page? If yes... Do try to ignore her. She doesn't matter. Truly. She doesn't. Own your triggers, desensitize yourself slowly. You are safe.

[Calico Star]

Thank you both for the responses. I do mostly ignore her but I will not make any effort from now on. I will just have to work on being ok with it and desensitizing myself from caring.

[pkfrompa]

A question I ask myself when I’m reminding myself to not be upset by this kind of behavior is, “Do I love them?” If I do love them then I figure out how to navigate my emotions from there, but I think in this case the answer is clear.  You do not love her.  Do you need or even want her to love you?  No, not really.  I mean, it would be nice if she was courteous but her choosing to make herself miserable and sour makes absolutely no difference in the amount of love in your life.  So who cares what she thinks?

[Calico Star]

Very true pkfrompa. I guess compared to the way other people are abused on here, the silent treatment isn't the worse thing

[Couscous]

I’ve found Ross Rosenberg’s "Of course!" method helpful for handling the various silent treatmenters in my life: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yJt2VqauFFs

I agree that the silent treatment is the lesser of the other evils of dysfunctional conflict resolution, such as: screaming at you, being nice to your face while slandering you behind your back, turning the entire family against you, etc.

Doing a quick grounding exercise to remind yourself that you are not in any actual danger before seeing your SIL, or during the course of the event if you start to feel triggered, can be immensely helpful.

[Couscous]

Another thing I would like to add is that you are absolutely under no obligation whatsoever to continue attending family gatherings where she is present. If there are other non-toxic in-laws there that you enjoy spending time with, it could make sense to try to develop some "immunity" to her silent treatment, but if you are only there out of obligation, then it may not make sense to torture yourself by attending just so that you don't ruffle anyone's feathers. 

[Calico Star]

That was an interesting video Couscous, thank you.

I agree with you about getting together. It's complicated because we use to be close to my husband's family but her joining the family has change the dynamics and overall it's not fun to go over there. I think for now we have decided to keep going but to limit how long we stay.