Struggling with being invisible to my mom

[Teabunny]

Hi everyone,

This year I've been struggling with feeling invisible to my BPD mom, which also leads to feelings of confusion, fear, anger, sadness etc. This is compounded by my dad saying he needs to stay away from me in order to "not upset" mom, which means little to no communication. Her symptoms have gotten worse as she's aged, so she isn't speaking to any of her siblings now.

Situations that make me feel invisible:

• For my dad's birthday this past summer, I sent him some of my best artwork cards (I'm a working artist) because for many years he has asked if he could buy some art to hang in his office, but goes silent during the process of buying. I figured OK I'll just gift him a package of them. Neither parent acknowledged receipt of the package. Mom asked me if she could buy my art cards, so she could give them to dad for Christmas "to hang in his office and surprise him." Confused, I sent her the link to my art store online but got no response. Confused again, after two weeks, I mailed them a package of the same cards I sent for his birthday, and she acknowledged receipt. She didn't say anything about my art, either, she only mentioned her joy at surprising him. It was like I didn't exist...
• She has a way of putting down or "othering" people or communities with which I identify. She's known about my religion for about 15 years, she has regularly seen me do activities with my faith group and knows I attend services every Sunday and so on, but recently said she just met someone from my faith in her neighborhood and said she's "never met" someone who wasn't a Christian like her, and described how strange it was talking to this person because of their beliefs etc. This has happened with other identities I hold, not just religion. It's like she forgets who I am... I don't respond to it beyond "that's interesting I'm glad you're talking to new people, here's some resources about that topic" etc.
• It's bizarre but the pattern seems to be (usually) no response if my message is positive about my life: trips, fun with friends, accomplishments, doing good work, whatever. Months of silence might follow a positive update from me. It's inconsistent though - sometimes mom responds, dad almost never does. Sometimes I'll get a response without referral to the positive things I wrote or the pictures I send will just be ignored.
• On our Thanksgiving call, mom asked if I had been communicating at all with her family because "you know I'm not speaking to them right? Did they talk with you recently?" as though she was using me to get information about them. I declined to serve that role and honestly hadn't talked to them in recent months anyway.

I know this is all probably normal BPD stuff but it really gets to me sometimes, especially if it takes my time away in cases like mailing art. And sometimes I wonder, if they aren't going to reply to updates, or seem to forget who I am, do I even have to send them updates or share myself with them at all? Maybe there is a better way to handle this than the logical way I approach other humans in life.

Thanks for listening!

[Teabunny]

Worth a mention that I've never found it necessary to go "no contact" with any of my family including mom's siblings; I've kept family relationships distant but positive with consistent communication. But I FANTASIZE about going no contact with my parents! I'm sure the grass isn't greener on the other side, though.

[Notwendy]

Invisibility seems like a constant in my family. In addition, it seems to be there with my BPD mother's family. They don't have BPD but they have a narcissistic streak and there's a feeling of being invisible to them as well.

It's not that we are invisible but that if someone is self absorbed, their focus is on themselves, not someone else.

In your parent's situation ( mine as well ) the focus is on BPD mother's feelings. BPD mother has difficulty managing her own feelings- this is her focus. Dad, as co-dependent and enabler- is focused on BPD mother.

I recall one of the first times I became aware of this. The usual response to my own feelings was for my parents to dismiss them or blame me for them. I was used to that. However, I thought it was about me and didn't expect this to be for other people. I was a teen and was visiting a friend. The friend got into an argument with her parents and the parents were upset. In this situation, I felt the parents had good reason and I was upset for them. When I came home, I tried to relate what happened to my parents. They looked at me with a blank and puzzled stare. They didn't seem to get it. Why would I be upset about that?

What I was experiencing was empathy- the ability to see a situation from another person's point of view. My parents didn't seem to relate to my feelings about a situation that was about other people and didn't have anything to do with me. True- what they were arguing about wasn't anything about me but it was a stressful situation for them.

I know now that my BPD mother lacks empathy. While her BPD behaviors are predominant, she also has some features of NPD which includes lack of empathy. My father was capable of empathy, but he was focused mainly on BPD mother and his attention was on her feelings. My mother's FOO members do have empathy but seem to be more self absorbed.

A big issue for my BPD mother is feeling invalidated. Even the slightest comment can result in her feeling invalidated. If she is talking and you don't just sit there and listen, and say anything, other than, "yes, you are right" she gets upset and feels invalidated. However, her FOO also don't seem to listen well. This is the family pattern they must have grown up with.

Another aspect of BPD is projection. My BPD mother doesn't "see" me but she sees her projections.

I understand your frustration with this. We all want to be seen as who we are and loved, and children want this from their parents. I think it may help to know that it isn't about you but their inability to do this. I wish it was different.

I have stopped attempting to share personal information with BPD mother. I don't see any point and I also don't trust her with it. I am sorry your father goes along with her mother, but I think he's so used to being focused on her, that's what he does.

I hope you have found connections with members of your faith group that are validating and surely there's positive feedback with your art work. Parents with BPD see their children as extensions of themselves. If your faith denomination is different from your mother's- then that doesn't go along with this and so she may not be able to see you as a different person from her.

I understand that these moments of reminders are hard. My BPD mother was invited to her relative's house for Thanksgiving. She mentioned she sent the relative some flowers as a thank you. I don't want anything from my mother but this was a reminder of the absence of such gestures. BPD mother doesn't give me gifts in general and the times she has, were impersonal items. Truly, if she did ever send me flowers, I'd wonder what she wanted. She doesn't just do these things.

But it does make me wish this was different, and I think the situations you mention are times you do too.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi Teabunny,

I understand your pain and frustration. And I think it is a good and healthy thing that you can recognize it, validate it and process it.

It helps me to think as myself as "parts". Whenever I feel hurt or unseen because my father doesn't acknowledge one of my achievements, or change the subject and talks about him instead (he does that often), I can now visualize the me-part that is a small child, or a lonely teenager looking for support and validation.

And I can now acknowledge these parts of me, and provide it for them. I remind myself that this is just who he is, and he will never change. And I focus on giving myself a path on the back, telling myself : "hey...you don't need him to see you, because you know you did great. It's all that matters. I am proud of you Riverwolf."

And it really helps with the pain. As it turns out : I am a much healthier and safer parent to myself than they were  . I am sure you are too.

No contact, low contact, full contact: we all have to learn to reparent ourselves, and give ourselves the validation we required and lacked most, if not all, of our childhood.

 

[pursuingJoy]

Teabunny, the things you mentioned would make me feel like I was in the twilight zone. No wonder they make you feel invisible.

Curious how your mom reacts if you're sad or need help? My BPD MIL shows interest when H overshares about money troubles or drama with the kids. She gets involved by offering money or cutting the kids out of her will to show support.

Our happiness, on the other hand, represents a threat, maybe because it makes her feel irrelevant, or maybe she's scared that if H is happy he will forget about her? She doesn't ever ask about our jobs or show interest in our hobbies. She has no interest in the new bathroom we remodeled except to ask H to remodel hers, too. She turned down H's invitation to go watch him race. She is indifferent to the grandkids.

I think you handle these situations with such finesse. I hope you do so without losing any part of you in the process. Is your fantasy about going no contact a feeling worth exploring?

[Teabunny]

Thank you all so much for the replies and support, and insights! Thanks for sharing similar instances in your situations also.

On top of wanting validation and to be seen by parents, yes it is like living in the Twilight Zone and I constantly question what happened and check receipts or journals to be certain.

Yes regarding hobbies - mom has had trouble in the past both 1) understanding I do not enjoy SOME of the same hobbies she does nor that 2) I do enjoy hobbies she doesn't practice herself. I never know how to reply when these moments come up, and she is quite insistent.

Yes, I do feel great about my faith group and have enjoyed the many years involved in community service, leadership, friendships etc. And yes, I get positive feedback about my artwork almost daily from customers or retail buyers or online followers. These things certainly help (to be surrounded by people who love me) but it doesn't seem to negate the confusion and harm when my parents...act bizarre?...regarding my art career.

I'm not looking for praise from them, I love constructive criticism and don't care if they say they don't like it (this is so important that I've built in customer critiques as a process of production) but the silences or requests to buy then dropping off the earth mid-purchase or ignoring my past several years' of art, writing, awards, whatever. Absolute strangers engage more and recognize facts about me more than my parents.

Yes, I do think happiness is somehow threatening to mom, I don't fully understand it. Both parents are immediately responsive and interested in anything going wrong or if I get very sick. They want all the details about the pain or the money issue or to rehash their own past illness. However, I do have some luck engaging them in the positives of their bird feeders and our shared interest in watching wildlife. Or rather, listening to them describe their wildlife, they don't ask me what I've seen or what feeders I use, but it's a positive area for them.

I can't seem to get my brain in a place where being invisible to them doesn't uncenter me. I've been trying to work on it by rehearsing before any engagement with them. Saying to myself, "They don't define me, can't control me, won't be changing my life or taking away my choices or happiness." Still sometimes things are so unpredictable.

I fantasize about no contact so I won't have to endure the stress of pre-contact, contact, and post-contact pain or feel confused about what to do or say. I have decided to just contact them less over the next year, and when I do, to simply ask how they are doing and reply positively. It's too draining to be in touch with them as often as I am (a few emails a month, some cards and gifts, and a few calls a year). The rest of the time my goal is either to process healthfully or to live fully present in my day, not percolating on the Twilight Zone stuff. It is like expecting someone in a wheelchair to walk up stairs; if mom can't see me, she really isn't able to respond as though she does.

[Methuen]

I fantasize about no contact so I won't have to endure the stress of pre-contact, contact, and post-contact pain or feel confused about what to do or say. I have decided to just contact them less over the next year, and when I do, to simply ask how they are doing and reply positively. It's too draining to be in touch with them as often as I am (a few emails a month, some cards and gifts, and a few calls a year). The rest of the time my goal is either to process healthfully or to live fully present in my day, not percolating on the Twilight Zone stuff. It is like expecting someone in a wheelchair to walk up stairs; if mom can't see me, she really isn't able to respond as though she does.

A thought:  I can't help wondering if one puzzle piece is that your success invalidates your mom.  Maybe she can't handle that on some level.

Who knows.  It's almost not worth thinking about, because whatever her problem is, knowing it won't change it, and thinking about it just takes up time and space with no benefit to you for the effort.

I think it makes sense to lessen your current level of contact since there's no mutual benefit to the relationship for your effort.  But I think if you did it suddenly, they would notice, which could result in some undesired reaction (revenge behavior) or negative comment.  Instead of changing suddenly, I would recommend considering a slower withdrawal which might not attract attention.  This might be one of those times when less actually is more.

Not sure if these ideas are relevant or suitable.  Just a couple of random thoughts.

Your goal to process healthfully and live in the present is such a great goal, although truthfully it's so much easier said than done.  I think many of us here would support you with this goal, as we all work through this journey. It's one thing we can do to look after ourselves.

PS.  Totally agree with NW that your mom might not be able to see you as a different individual than her.  It may be she is invalidated by this.  In her mind, because she sees you as an extension of herself, you must do and believe as she does.  Anything less is an insult to her because "rejecting her religion" (i.e. finding your own different version of faith) is like rejecting her. It kind of reminds me of the time my mom couldn't handle H and I declining her cheque of $10,000 for a down payment on the house.  In her mind, it was her we were rejecting, not the gift. In fact, in her mind there was no option for us to say "no thank you". We didn't want the strings that would come attached to it. No amount of talking or rationalizing about it could make it better.  In fact, it made it worse.  It's wierd, but it's like they can't allow us to separate from them, or have our own thoughts, or even our own life.  To them, our purpose is to validate (and fill up that emptiness inside them), whatever form they think that should take.  Having our own ideas, beliefs, values, partners, friends, careers, hobbies different from them, is a problem and feels invalidating. Sad. Just sad, or as Zachira always says, a lifelong sorrow.  Since she isn't capable of appreciating your art or showing gratitude, hoping for it or even expecting it, as you said "is like believing someone in a wheelchair could walk up stairs".  That was a really great analogy Teabunny.  I think it's healthy to grieve the loss of the mother we want, and move on and feel gratitude for those things which we do have, which is probably what you were  talking about when you wrote "live healthfully and fully present in your day".  What a great goal.  It's a good reminder for all of us.

[Couscous]

And sometimes I wonder, if they aren't going to reply to updates, or seem to forget who I am, do I even have to send them updates or share myself with them at all?

You are onto something here, although no longer doing these things doesn’t mean you have to go NC. What’s important for us is that we don’t keep going back to the "empty well", so to speak. Perhaps "cordial contact" might be something worth considering. Seeing them as relatives instead of as your parents might make it easier to find ways to relate to them that don’t give them as many opportunities to act in passive (perhaps even, covert) aggressive ways towards you, such as “forgetting” that you belong to a different religion.

As far as understanding what drives this kind of behavior, I recently came across a book at my library called, Difficult Mothers, by Terri Apter. There is chapter called The Envious Mother that was extremely eye-opening for me and I think the majority of the behavior you described is due to envy. The author says that enviousness is linked to enmeshment, where difference is either denied or seen as “silly”, “bad”, or “wrong”.

Here’s a quote: "Instead of bolstering a child’s confidence and inspiring a child with a sense of his own potential, a difficult mother begrudges her child’s independence and pride. Instead of sharing a child’s pleasure, the parent demands: “why can she feel joy when I don’t?“ Or “why does he have a chance to be successful when I have been disappointed?“ Or “what if his success means that he’ll leave me?“ A difficult mother’s envy betrays the most basic terms of the emotional contract with her child.

Normally, parents long to see their children happy and with some measure of success. But in a particular, distorted mindset a child’s success and happiness arouse hostility.”

[Teabunny]

Couscous, I think I've heard my own mother phrase similar things to the book you quoted. In her case it's been, "Why is your marriage so happy when mine is not?" "It seems like your life is so perfect." "How can I be happy like you?" "Why doesn't your father do that [what my husband does for me]?"

And in many ways both directly to me but also behind my back, blames me and others as the cause for her unhappiness. But it's ridiculous - things like, I talked to strangers on the sidewalk in front of my house in middle school and she hasn't forgiven me for disobeying her 20+ years ago 

[unicornlaxative]

• It's bizarre but the pattern seems to be (usually) no response if my message is positive about my life: trips, fun with friends, accomplishments, doing good work, whatever.
  

Sounds like my mom. I never get anything whenever I am happy doing things that she is not involved.
Like, I am always excited to share but she is very nonchalant about it that I just don't bother anymore.
I truly envy other kids that have parents who they can share with them everything and anything.

[seekingpeace2day]

Teabunny,

I've also been reflecting and wrestling with feeling invisible recently. My FOO is totally incapable and unwilling to see me. They always have been - but it's taken me decades and this is still sinking in.

There is much wisdom in the replies above, and certainly I will reread  RiverWolf, NotWendy, Methuen, Couscous' words again more than once.

To add my .02:

1. I think it is important to remember that these parents CANNOT (as opposed to will not) see us. In other words, despite their total certainty and know-it-all-ism, they have no idea that they do not know. They are not wise, not insightful, and not remotely ethical or connected to truth. The projection of their own material is 100% absolute, 100% automatic, and 100% unconscious, so they see their own projection and not "us" as independent beings. They distort and lie to support theri reality. There is literally nothing you can say or do to overcome their limitations, or to be seen. I'm still not sure what to do with this knowledge (see my own thread today), because if I can't be seen does it really matter (externally, in relation to them) what I say or do not say? Their thoughts and beliefs and abuse seem - to me - almost totally unrelated to any words or behavior from me.

2. I also think envy is massively under-rated as a driver of abuse. I imagine you have a very long list of accomplishments that were diminished, belittled, ignored, or demeaned rather than celebrated (or even acknowledged). It's very, very painful to remember these, but perhaps helpful to help us "get it" that this is the pattern of abuse and not being seen.