Almost 3 months out of r/s with uBPD

[imstillhere89]

Hello!

Just an update. It has been almost 3 months since the final breakup. I am so much happier now. First 2 months was a living hell. Now I feel like a newborn. I go to the gym, swimming pool, Thai Chi, Pilates, Aqua aerobic and Yoga (plus I work full time). I carry on with my English course (finally I am able to focus and do some studying).
Do I still think about him? Of course I do. But much less. Also me thinking about him is totally different than it was 1 month ago. I went from thinking "I still love him so much, I miss him, why did he hurt me so much" to "I'm wiser now, I had to go thru this in order to start to heal my childhood trauma. I will never let anybody else treat me this way, I deserve better treatment".
Relationship with BPD partner was a life changing thing to me. On every level. I know that there is a still long way to go in order to get rid of the feelings and occasional missing the good things about him. But now I know I will get there.
I have noticed so many changes in my mind and body. The doorbell doesn't make me jump anymore, I come back home with no stress and worrying what will happen next, I smile and laugh much more, I don't know how to describe it in English but I feel like my brain is so refreshed? My focus is coming back, my multitasking came back (I wasn't able to multitask whilst being in a r/s with him). I feel relaxed at home and I'm so quick and chatty at work like I used to be before.
I enjoy little things and even though I'm so busy and active now I don't feel as tired as I felt when I was with him. I was coming back from work and basic cleaning and cooking would make me exhausted.
Another thing I have realised: when we went on holiday together back in July I have ended up in the hospital with a heatstroke. It was a terrible experience, I felt like I was literally dying. My friend pointed out that my body was weak from all the stress I have been going thru with my bf and that was another reason for me to even get the heatstroke. And I think she was right by saying that. I remember thinking on this holiday "I would enjoy it much more if I went only with my daughter. He makes me stressed all the time". I think my body and mind were exhausted, therefore, much more vulnerable.

I'm rising like Phoenix from ashes and I will keep rising till I achieve what I want in my life.

This is a good occasion to say THANK YOU to this forum and all wonderful people on here. You have no idea (perhaps you do) how helpful is your support and reading stories and comments here.
Even if I don't post anything I come here everyday or almost everyday. And I will keep coming back!

To all those suffering still ... don't give up! It will get better! I spent almost 2 months in bed crying, shaking, wanting to die. But I have pushed myself out..and you will all do it too! We only live once, let's not waste our time and health on people that don't deserve it. Good luck to everybody, thank you for everything and I'm still here! Xxx

P.S

I'm still here - Sia
Song worth listening to. This is a song that become "our song" in the beginning of our r/s. But now this song has got totally different meaning! X

[shikai]

I am so happy for you! Congratulations!  My first few months were very rough also. But here I am, bent but not broken, in control of my own life. It's a fantastic place to be, isn't it? :-)

[imstillhere89]

Thank you xx

It is indeed! It's even better than before this r/s. I think now I appreciate my freedom much more than before. And I am proud of myself that I came out of this black hole, because in the beginning of my journey it really felt like I'm gonna stay there forever. Everything is temporary...so is the pain.

[capecodling]

Wow.  I really relate to what you said here.

I had such a similar experience with my BPD ex, including the sudden health issues and feeling myself weakened so much by the relationship.   Before her,  I would go years in between getting the common cold, with her i had the flu twice and about 3-4 colds, all in the span of 8 months.

I am almost 4 months post breakup.  I go to the gym EVERY DAY, do wim hof breahwork, meditation, cold showers, yoga, EFT tapping, intermittent fasting.  I still think about her a lot but it has shifted from “I’ve lost the love of my life” to “what a tragedy, that relationship was just too toxic for me to stay.”

I’m inspired to see someone else here on their healing journey.  Most of the posts on this thread are people still in the hell of trying to make a BPD relationship into something it can never be (ie a healthy relationship.)  The only time it could maybe, MAYBE work would be a BPD who is diagnosed and has already been in DBT for several years, even that I’m not sure I would try after what I went through.