Trashed

[yellowbutterfly]

I finally got my apartment back and it was completely trashed. Bizarre things done to it so much I can’t even put it into words yet. It’s so frustrating and sad that my stbx uBPDh did this. Wow

I feel so violated.

[arjay]

I finally got my apartment back and it was completely trashed. Bizarre things done to it so much I can’t even put it into words yet. It’s so frustrating and sad that my stbx uBPDh did this. Wow

I feel so violated.

Yes a physical representation of what happened emotionally as well, to many of us.  So sorry for what happened.  You might want to make sure "stealth cameras", etc weren't left behind and attached to WIFI - just a thought.

All the Best

[imstillhere89]

So sorry to hear what happened ...

My BPDx did something really stupid after one fight. I woke up in the morning, started to prepare for work. Wanted to make myself coffee (he knows I can't survive without it), couldn't find sugar anywhere, all cigarette packets were cut in half (even tho he smokes too) and some device's cables were cut... when I found all of that I told him to move out of my house and that he is sick! I really didn't know what else to expect from him after I found all of that.
He moved out but not for long..obviously I forgave everything. After we got back together he said it was really stupid to tell him to move out from my house because he hid the sugar... like he didn't remember rest of what he did or like it didn't matter at all...

He was destroying objects when we were arguing but usually they were his objects, devices, clothes...

It happened few times that when he got angry he would tear his clothing apart.. I have never seen something like this before... or he didn't charge his laptop on time and it's gone off in the middle of him doing something really important. He got angry and started to shout so loud that he made me jump. I then told him "I told you few minutes ago that battery is low and you should put it on charge, stop making a horrible atmosphere now!" So he punched the laptop and almost broke it in half blaming me for making him angry...
There was so much of it in our r/s ...it gives me goosebumps when I think about it.

Arjay is right about cameras, check everything in the apartment. I did the same when he moved out. I couldn't trust him anymore. I haven't found anything.. but I might not checked properly.
Also my phone started to act weird when we broke up the final time... it has started about 2 weeks after we broke up. Every single phone call, WhatsApp call and messenger call was interrupt by weird noises and connection was getting very bad. I told my mom about it when we were talking and she said "that's good, so if he can hear us I hope he knows what a d*** he is"  
Everything lasted for maybe 3 weeks. Now my phone is back to normal.

[SaltyDawg]

If your phone is acting weird, the battery drains faster than it should, using more data than it should, your ex may have installed some spyware/trackers/etc.  This is illegal.  If you can't prove it, the best thing you can do is backup your photos/sms/texts, do a factory reset and only restore the stuff you know won't mess up the phone.

[yellowbutterfly]

Hi All,

I hired a security team to check the apartment and devices thanks to a rec from my lawyer. Sadly, he did put a backdoor on them and was able to track me and possibly listen to my phone calls, thankfully no cameras or bugs anymore. I got a new phone and router and disabled the old ones. It was more peace of mind for me to do so that way. They also are making reports about the various trashed/security incidents so that I can have those for further action against him. I changed the locks too!

I've slowly been putting everything back in order. I had a cleaning pro come in and I've been inventorying everything he stole, broke, hid, and damaged. It's all just a lot, to be honest. Though, I feel safe again in my apartment. Something I will NEVER take for granted again.

Part of me thinks that he wants engagement from me even if it is through the law/courts to keep this saga of his playing out. Anyone ever deal with whether or not to move forward with "a claim" against the pwBPD after an incident? I say claim as the legal matters of it are not so straightforward across all countries. I have recourse in this matter but the question is do I want to go after him since he's broke and it will just continue the legal battle. I'm just tired of the nonsense he's put me through.

Oh and, yes, the phone had a backdoor, kept draining, weird clicks when using it. Sadly, I learned that anyone with a little know-how can use apps to install these kinds of things. Now I know why he was always 1-step ahead of me in the divorce process. Guard your digital devices and check them frequently.

I feel so relieved to have him OUT OF MY LIFE almost. I hope that he gets himself the help he needs and doesn't abuse another person like he did to me. It's a long healing journey but I feel like myself again.

[I Am Redeemed]

I think it's less about getting restitution from him monetarily and more about holding him accountable for the things he did.

I'm not sure, but I would think that tracking you and listening to your phone calls might be a form of stalking. Trashing the place certainly is vandalism. It seems like there should be criminal charges for those actions.

Good for you for hiring the security team and cleaning pros and inventorying all the damage.

[arjay]

If your phone is acting weird, the battery drains faster than it should, using more data than it should, your ex may have installed some spyware/trackers/etc.  This is illegal.  If you can't prove it, the best thing you can do is backup your photos/sms/texts, do a factory reset and only restore the stuff you know won't mess up the phone.

This was a good-call by SD.  The same would apply to any laptop/workstation/computer you had.  Keystroke capture software is easy to purchase and install.  It would expose all credentials and passwords including those for email, social media, banking, etc., when you login to these services. This mal-software logs keystrokes in a report and then typically emails this report to the mal-actor (your ex in this case).  It runs at boot-up.

All the Best

[SinisterComplex]

Hi All,

I hired a security team to check the apartment and devices thanks to a rec from my lawyer. Sadly, he did put a backdoor on them and was able to track me and possibly listen to my phone calls, thankfully no cameras or bugs anymore. I got a new phone and router and disabled the old ones. It was more peace of mind for me to do so that way. They also are making reports about the various trashed/security incidents so that I can have those for further action against him. I changed the locks too!

I've slowly been putting everything back in order. I had a cleaning pro come in and I've been inventorying everything he stole, broke, hid, and damaged. It's all just a lot, to be honest. Though, I feel safe again in my apartment. Something I will NEVER take for granted again.

Part of me thinks that he wants engagement from me even if it is through the law/courts to keep this saga of his playing out. Anyone ever deal with whether or not to move forward with "a claim" against the pwBPD after an incident? I say claim as the legal matters of it are not so straightforward across all countries. I have recourse in this matter but the question is do I want to go after him since he's broke and it will just continue the legal battle. I'm just tired of the nonsense he's put me through.

Oh and, yes, the phone had a backdoor, kept draining, weird clicks when using it. Sadly, I learned that anyone with a little know-how can use apps to install these kinds of things. Now I know why he was always 1-step ahead of me in the divorce process. Guard your digital devices and check them frequently.

I feel so relieved to have him OUT OF MY LIFE almost. I hope that he gets himself the help he needs and doesn't abuse another person like he did to me. It's a long healing journey but I feel like myself again.

So this is actually a big deal. If wire-tapping did happen that is actually a Federal Crime. So how you proceed is up to you. He could be charged with a felony or misdemeanor. Most likely there would be both jail time and a considerable fine.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[SaltyDawg]

I've slowly been putting everything back in order. I had a cleaning pro come in and I've been inventorying everything he stole, broke, hid, and damaged. It's all just a lot, to be honest. Though, I feel safe again in my apartment. Something I will NEVER take for granted again.

Part of me thinks that he wants engagement from me even if it is through the law/courts to keep this saga of his playing out. Anyone ever deal with whether or not to move forward with "a claim" against the pwBPD after an incident? I say claim as the legal matters of it are not so straightforward across all countries. I have recourse in this matter but the question is do I want to go after him since he's broke and it will just continue the legal battle. I'm just tired of the nonsense he's put me through.

That is a very important question that I highlighted that you said.  It should be rephrased is it worth it to me to go through all the trouble?

At a minimum get a restraining order if you haven't done so already since he has violated you legally.  With regards to recouping your losses on the stuff he stole/damaged/destroyed since he is 'broke', that is up to you.  If you want NC [no contact], you may want to seriously consider to 'cut your losses' and run.  I did that two decades ago when I did that with my ex-girlfriend who was likely a uBPD/NPD and owed me $50k in loans that I had given her.  I knew I would never see it back, and I didn't want to deal with the drama attached to it, so I let it go - I don't regret my decision.  The difference was she didn't break any privacy laws towards me though, so it was a bit easier than in your situation.

However, since he has shown no regard for the law, please do the following if you haven't already:

1.  Install an active security camera system, more than just a ring doorbell, cover every window in your place as well that a person can get in.

2.  Change all of your security and passwords, including your thermostat, and anything connected to the Internet.  Setup 2-step authentication whenever possible.  Harden your social media accounts by setting access to 'friends only' or better.  Unfriend those contacts who are friendly to your pwBPD, unless they are close to you too.  Then modify your posts if you don't want them to see it.

3.  Use wired internet connections whenever possible, much more difficult to packet sniff that, even if it is protected by a password on the wireless router.  Turn off your wireless, when it is not in use.

4.  If you have a vehicle, have it checked for a GPS tracker, park it where your security cameras can monitor it.

5.  Familiarize yourself with the safety tips found here:  https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/safety-tips

6.  Make sure you have a safety plan in place, and an irrational mind will behave irrationally especially if there is nothing to lose.

If you have any questions, please ask.

[kells76]

So this is actually a big deal. If wire-tapping did happen that is actually a Federal Crime. So how you proceed is up to you. He could be charged with a felony or misdemeanor. Most likely there would be both jail time and a considerable fine.

To put together what SinisterComplex and SaltyDawg are suggesting, this seems like an important discussion to have with your lawyer. Once your L describes what would or would not likely happen, that information can help you decide if it is worth it to you to pursue legally. You can also discuss with a DV resource if there would be a positive or negative impact on your safety from pursuing charges against someone with his personality traits. I believe in the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker there is a discussion about how obtaining a RO (restraining order) can sometimes increase danger.

I hope you are able to find some time to chat with your L and other professionals, I'm sure getting more info will be beneficial to you as you move forward with your life.

Thanks for updating us;

kells76

[yellowbutterfly]

A quick reply here but I have a lot to weigh about how to proceed. Thank you everyone for the helpful info...

I'll report back when I have more time to write.

[yellowbutterfly]

Update:

I'm still trying to decide how to proceed re: the "wiretapping". I'm so frustrated and upset that he would do something like that. It's a difficult place to be in to want someone to be held accountable for their completely illegal actions and just to want them to GO AWAY so you can move on.

I think he is stalking me too. I got a weird text after I went out of town from a VOIP number that was disconnected right after. It asked if I went out of town.

But, 2023 is here and I feel happy and like myself again. Abuse really damages you 

[SaltyDawg]

I think he is stalking me too. I got a weird text after I went out of town from a VOIP number that was disconnected right after. It asked if I went out of town.

Thank you for the update.  Abuse is really damaging, whether it is a little in my case, or a lot in your case, either way, it feels more like emotional terrorism, at least it can for me. 

If you think he is stalking you, make sure you take appropriate safety precautions.  If you haven't already done so, make sure that you have a safety plan in place.  Especially since you got a very strange text from a VOIP number that is disconnected.  Did you try calling/texting back, or did you check with a reverse number search engine to figure out it was disconnected?  Do use the reverse number lookup, don't text back if you don't recognize the number.  Go full no contact if you can, any attention that you give him, even negative is what he is craving. 

Make sure you have pepper spray/mace if it is legal in your location, along with a backup phone in case he takes your primary one if you come unexpectedly face to face with him.

Example of a safety plan:  https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

[yellowbutterfly]

Thank you for the update.  Abuse is really damaging, whether it is a little in my case, or a lot in your case, either way, it feels more like emotional terrorism, at least it can for me. 

If you think he is stalking you, make sure you take appropriate safety precautions.  If you haven't already done so, make sure that you have a safety plan in place.  Especially since you got a very strange text from a VOIP number that is disconnected.  Did you try calling/texting back, or did you check with a reverse number search engine to figure out it was disconnected?  Do use the reverse number lookup, don't text back if you don't recognize the number.  Go full no contact if you can, any attention that you give him, even negative is what he is craving. 

Make sure you have pepper spray/mace if it is legal in your location, along with a backup phone in case he takes your primary one if you come unexpectedly face to face with him.

Example of a safety plan:  https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

SaltyDawg,

Thank you for the link to the safety plan - helpful reminder to have these things clearly written down.

I'm checking into carrying pepper spray and will get a backup phone. I live in a big city so the good news is there are always a lot of people around to call for help.

Re: weird text, yes I texted back and then had a friend call. The number was immediately disconnected. I did a reverse number search but it came up as a landline in another state. I ended up having a contact with resources check it out and they said it was a VOIP number and could have been him taunting me. I've been getting strange calls so I've reported it all to the authorities so there is a record of this. Even if I cannot prove it is him, it will be helpful. He's the one who hijacked my phone and internet so he could hear my calls and see anything I did. I've replaced all those devices though.

I hope he's out of my life for good. I cannot wait for the judge to finalize the divorce.

[yellowbutterfly]

SaltyDawg,

Any suggestions for a back up phone that could call for help if in an emergency? I'm trying to research a cheap option as I don't have an old iPhone around.

[SaltyDawg]

https://www.walmart.com/browse/cell-phones/prepaid-phones/1105910_4527935_1072335?sort=price_low

I am assuming you are in the United States, lmk if you are in a different country.

Any of the phones without a plan will call 911, as long as you have a charged battery.  Some of the flip phones have weeks of standby time, as they are pretty dumb, but if 911 is all you need, it will do.  However, if you need to call a friend, you will need to get a plan, get the smallest plan that will fit your budget with 100 minutes/texts or more per month, so, if you are going that route, you will need to see which plan works best for you.

I personally use tello.com, their plans start at $5/6 a month, but you would have to get a used phone off ebay or an equivalent website that is 'unlocked'.  Or a new one.  They do have phones (new and used) but you do pay a premium over market value for those as they will come pre-configured.

If you are tech savvy, use google voice [both iphone and android], move your mobile number to it, and you can use your phone number on any number of devices including tablets, laptops, and desktops.  You also have some very good number blocking capabilities with Google Voice if you want to go NC.  The downside is that it makes things a little more complicated, and it prefers VOIP which is lower quality, higher lag (fraction of a second to one second usually, occasionally two seconds).  It is similar to the VOLTE that most carriers are shifting to.

lmk if you have any additional questions.

[yellowbutterfly]

Thank you! You are a wealth of knowledge