Six Months Later

[AdRock]

I haven't been on here much lately.  It's been six months.  It still hurts.
I don't really have the energy to talk about it all.  It's in older posts for anyone curious.  For anyone who knows my story at all, I finally blocked her social media.  The inciting reason was a selfie of her and her new partner.  It was funny (in an absurd sense) when I was looking at the two of them.  Naturally it was hurtful to see and in some way I found it unusual behavior for her.  She never once posted a selfie of her and her ex-husband, even when they were dating, but for some reason this new guy is selfie worthy.  But what was most painful for me wasn't even the photo of the two of them (I knew after a week when she ended things with her and me that they were involved).  It was all of the likes and comments about the two of them, some from mutual high school alumns.  It just hammered in for me how much of a secret I was for her.
So I blocked her.  Not because she was making any attempts to reach out or that I even thought I was much of a thought in her mind lately.  But it was the only power I had in a _____ty situation that left me a wreck for several months.  The only measure of control I had to take some control back for myself.
I've been falling back on myself a lot.  I don't have any desire to be involved romantically with anyone.  I see some friends but mostly I'd rather read or watch a movie after work.  Solitary activities but at least I'm getting to know myself again.
I mostly want to get my life on track and take it from there.  Easier said than done and I'm not even sure if it will bring me inner contentment but ... as they say, you have to do something.
But it still hurts.  I still dream about her.  Mostly bad dreams, perhaps my mind trying to tell me I'm better off.  I still find myself torn in this headspace of knowing she is someone with her own mental health issues and doesn't have ill intent towards me versus the lies and betrayal and heartache she caused me.  It was inevitable she would hurt me but I at least could have moved past my hurt had she just been honest about why she ended things with me (for the new guy).  I still find myself wondering if she is genuinely doing better and perhaps even happy with him.  History being a good indicator, I don't see them working out, regardless of how long they might be together.  Why does that matter to me?  In terms of me being in a better place, it doesn't matter at all, but crap like this just reinforces my belief in a meaningless universe.  And why she gets to feel alive when I have to struggle with going through the motions.
It's funny, a couple of weeks after I blocked her, I realized she borrowed a book and never gave it back (like many things, she most likely just forgot [potheads]).  And I was like, "you know, this should really be a situation where I can text her and go, 'hey, not trying to start up communication again but can I have my book back please?'"  In the grand scheme of things, perhaps a small price to pay for my attempt at moving on but it annoys me (not to mention it's one of my favorites and I found out worth some money).
There's no real point to this post (the definition of rambling).  I hope it does not derail anyone new on here with fresh wounds hoping it will get better.  Maybe if nothing else someone can take that moving on happens in its own time for everyone.
And no, I didn't block her number.  It's not in any hope for reconciliation with her (99% sure of that anyway).  As my friend told me, "you don't have to shut the door on her completely, but that screen door should definitely be locked and she better have something good to say for you to consider opening it again for her".
I suppose the biggest reason is I'm curious if history is done repeating itself and she finally will stop reaching out to me.  I turn 40 next month so ... probably sometime when I'm 41 she might call to see how things are (or how I might serve her present needs).
Time will tell.  I have a life to improve on in the meantime (99% sure of that anyway).

[Mutt]

Hey AdRock,

As I read your words I can tell that you're in a lot of pain. I'm sorry that you had to see the selfie pictures, that would send me realing if I was knee deep in pain and seeing my ex with somone new posting pictures differently than the past.

And why she gets to feel alive when I have to struggle with going through the motions

It may look like she feels alive but the fear of abandonment is going to be a constant trigger for her. Also, a pwBPD don't process their grief like a non, the anger and grief from all of the failed relationships carry over to the next relationship.

A pwBPD are stuck in a pattern thats self destructive, they dont have the skills to repair a r/s like a non. As you know that's the nature of the disorder.

[Tupla Sport]

It may look like she feels alive but the fear of abandonment is going to be a constant trigger for her. Also, a pwBPD don't process their grief like a non, the anger and grief from all of the failed relationships carry over to the next relationship.

A pwBPD are stuck in a pattern thats self destructive, they dont have the skills to repair a r/s like a non. As you know that's the nature of the disorder.

Well put.

From what I gather, my ex is dealing with our breakup by boxing me out as the narcissistic abuser and chalking the negatives of our relationship up to me being abusive. Two years of sacrifice down the absolute drain. I truly feel like Norman Osborn in the first Sam Raimi Spiderman movie .

I like to see people with BPD seemingly on the upswing as people who are maniacally overleveraging their emotions. By this I mean they're racking up a kind of emotional debt from many of their activities. Often actual debt too. And when interest and payments are due, they are more likely to take a new loan to cover the expenses.

Nons have a banker inside weighing the risks at least much of the time, people with BPD really don't.

Social media only shows the glamorous side of things. It's a highly curated and inherently manipulative tool. Nons might think "oh they're posting their new partner, it must be relatively stable and serious" but the person with BPD might be doing it to hold up a front and show everybody how well-adjusted they are.

[BigEasyHeart]

Hey Adrock,

It's been almost 3 months for me and I can relate to so much of what you are saying. I know logically that what appears on social media is not the true picture of what is happening in her life. I know the pain that I'm going through as I allow myself to feel emotions like sadness, loss, betrayal, etc. is actually what I should be doing and that, if she really is avoiding those feelings, it's not a good thing in the long run.

I know all these things logically but still emotionally relate to your comment "And why she gets to feel alive when I have to struggle with going through the motions". I guess it's just all part of it and I hope in time to feel less that way as I continue to work on myself.

It's also helpful to me to be on this site and read stories like yours. I think it's totally normal for you to still be having these feelings and reading your post makes me feel less alone about feeling how I am where I am at (if that makes sense). Anyway, bottom line is thanks for sharing.