Angry texting from adult daughter with BPD

[pilgrimheart]

Hello, I'm so glad I found this group.  My 28 year old daughter was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago.  She lives with her boyfriend in the same town I live in. Currently, I get so distressed with her angry texts, occurring at least once a week.  She will become angry if a family "ignores" her on Facebook, or text about how stupid her boyfriend is etc.  I know she is in a bad place because her texts are almost manic.  I try to text back assurances that I am sorry she is feeling so upset but it only seems to make her angrier.  I don't want to ignore her but feel helpless trying to respond at times.  Later, when calm, she does apologize for these texts.  Any help is appreciated. Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi pilgrimheart and thank you for posting.

There are a couple of positives in your post -the texts don't seem to be every day or several times a day from what you say, and also dd does apologise when she has calmed down.

I know exactly what you mean when you say your response just makes it worse. I tried saying the sorts of things you mention and my dd would explode!

It took me a while but I came to think of 'validation' not as trying to balance out the negative thing dd was saying, but making a general statement about how these things are difficult. For example if dd rants on about how no-one responds to her fb post, if I said something like 'I suppose they have been busy this week' or 'Don't worry I am sure there is a reason', that would set my dd off like a rocket.

Then I found if I said something like 'It can be painful when people don't respond quickly' - then dd calmed down so much quicker. I found it difficult at first because I had to quickly think of a general response rather than a response to dd's actual statement. So in this case I have to think quickly that 'waiting is difficult' and then use that to respond.

I don't know if this would help. I also think that these blasts are a way of releasing the build up of emotional pressure ie I see it as a sort of 'therapy' for my dd. When the blasts are spoken, I don't say anything. But texts need a response or the silence escalates the emotions. So then I try to stick to my rules of response ie general statement that is saying 'yes' in a general way.

It has made a huge difference for me.

[pursuingJoy]

Great response, Sancho.

This is a helpful difference that carries over into relationships with non-BPD's as well. I don't have BPD but I do have high validation needs. If my husband hurt my feelings and said, "I'm sorry you're upset," I'm not sure it would help. It would seem like he was putting 'being upset' on me. If he said, "I understand why that was painful," I would feel heard.