Called crisis counselor because uBPDmom trapped me

[jalemean23]

This is my first post.

I am a mental health counselor and have been in the field for 4 years.

I was raised by a mom who manipulated me, my 2 siblings, and my father. We are her puppets & she loves to put on a show for an audience. From the outside looking in, we are picture perfect. A “team”, as she’s trained us to call ourselves. A unit.

I have always found strength in my relationship with my siblings because we knew our mom behind closed doors. Over the last several years, our mom has gotten really good at reaching out to the other 2 children if the third has upset her in some way. She went so far as to start a smear campaign about me via text to my 2 siblings after she called me & we had an argument. That argument, for the sake of context, was because she has chosen to keep her sister in our lives despite the fact that that sister’s husband is a child molester.

Long story short- my mom is unhinged. Unstable. Selfish. And downright cruel. She called me and asked if she could come to my house. I asked her why. She said “because I want to hang out with my kid.” I allowed her to come over and got the house cleaned up because I was genuinely excited that FOR ONCE she wanted to hang out with me. She got here & took out 3 notebook pages and proceeded to monologue for 12 minutes about my role in our deteriorating relationship. She claimed that I keep her at arms length simply to hurt her and she asked what she has done to deserve that. She hurled blame & insults IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST and said that she felt “at peace” about coming over to read those pages because God told her to.

Religious manipulation, gaslighting, lying, and guilt-tripping are not new in our relationship. But saying she wanted to hang out with me & getting me to let my guard down so she could come in my house and berate me? That’s new. And it sent me into a downward spiral. I called a crisis counselor and talked for an hour about this.

As of now, I haven’t heard from my mom since she texted me after that encounter “thanks for listening. I love you very much.” She is currently texting my siblings about how my actions are hurtful and disrespectful. I anticipate a passive aggressive blow up this weekend.

I have felt alone and trapped in this relationship for years & I hope this post makes sense. I just don’t wanna be alone anymore.

[Methuen]

She is currently texting my siblings about how my actions are hurtful and disrespectful. I anticipate a passive aggressive blow up this weekend.

Do your siblings share your views of her?  Do the three of you support each other? Or...?

Why do you have to have contact with her this weekend?  Can you give yourself some space, and not see her, talk to her nor text her?  ...but just give yourself some space, and take care of yourself?

[Riv3rW0lf]

NalaJean23,

To break loneliness, you came to the right place. You are not alone in having this kind of relationship with your mother. We get it.

I remember when I was living in another province, I had invited my mother to visit for the weekend. My husband had to leave for a job training, and I figured it would be a good time to bond, and for  my mother to see her grandchild.

She booked her ticket and I paid for them. She, however, messed up the booking, so instead of arriving early morning, she arrived at 9pm. I was a first-time mom, my daughter was 3months old. I picked my mother up from the airport.  I was tense.

We arrived home, and she rocked my baby girl. When I told her it was time to sleep (we had an early morning), she proceeded to scream at me, at two inches from my face, how a bad daughter I was, how I wasn't welcoming her properly. I was hurting her, hurting our relationship. All her emotional bile just thrown up on me.

When I moved away and was by myself, she didn't care. When I had children, however, she started to resent me. From that point on, everytime she would visit, the visit would start with screaming, and crisis mode. She would let out all her anger, resentment and pain on me, and then would go about enjoying her visit as if nothing happened. I was, quite literally, her emotional punching bag.

...

You are not the problem. Your mother has the emotional maturity of a 2 years old, trapped within an adult body, which makes her seemingly incredibly dangerous. She lacks self-control, and everyone is responsible for her emotions, but her...

She is fragmented, and depending how she feels, you might be her main scapegoat. Would you say you are more composed, more rational than your sibblings? From my experience, pwBPD will tend to use more rational people as emotional punching bags more often. She accused me many times of not having any emotions.. what she doesn't realize is I have lots of emotions, but I contain them. This calm, rational demeanor, makes me her prime target, compared to my brothers. The fact I am the only girl could also play a role...bottom line is : are you the main scapegoat?

If so... You need to protect yourself. Boundaries. Distance. Don't let her disrupt your truth, don't let her play with your mind... Protect yourself.

Don't ever hesitate to vent here, to ask questions, to share your own wisdom. We are to support you.

[Couscous]

While pondering my own, eerily similar experiences with my own spiritually abusive, smear campaigner of a mother early this morning before getting out of bed, two lines popped into my head: "beware of false prophets" and "wolves in sheep's clothing". After googling these terms, I discovered that these words come from Matthew 7:15 "Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves."

Here are a few more eye-opening verses about false prophets: https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Bible-Verses-About-False-Prophets/

I was also recently stunned to discover just how many Bible verses there are about gossip and slander, and spreading strife among brothers is one of the seven abominations. Here is a good one that applies to those who listen to gossip. Proverbs 26:22 “The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to the inmost parts.” In my experience, hearing my mother talk negatively about my siblings has an negative impact on my relationship with them, even when I am fully aware of what she's doing.

If your siblings are all on the same page with you about your mother, I would recommend consulting with a systems trained family therapist who has experience with dysfunctional/abusive/addicted families and who will be able to help all of you to strengthen your sibling bonds which your mother has probably been working tirelessly to undermine for your entire lives, and who can help all of you to develop healthy boundaries.