I need help with my relationship

[palesaints]

My boyfriend was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago.  He told me when we first started dating a little over a year ago.  We live together now, and we are both musicians, playing in a band together.  
I've read a lot about BPD over the past year (I didn't even know what it was until he told me he had it) in an effort to try to learn to understand what he is going through.
  
We typically get along great considering how much time we spend together.  I love him and I love being around him.  We also don't argue much at all, but when he gets upset, he can become really angry.  I feel like I've tried everything to diffuse the situation when this happens.  I read about ways to validate his feelings in these times, so I never argue back, get defensive, etc.  I usually just tell him I understand why he feels that way and try to empathize.  Sometimes it works and he becomes less angry or frustrated with me.  Sometimes he stays mad at me for a day or two and won't really speak with me despite being in the same house.

The thing is, I've never been mad at him.  I feel sad for him, or worried, but never angry.  I think this is because I am so deeply in love with him.  It's hard for me to understand how he could possibly love me if he's so easily angry with me.  It hurts and lately I just feel alone.  I can't talk to any friends about this because they don't understand.  I also don't want them to blame him if they don't know what he is going through.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Hi and welcome Hopefully visiting these forums will make you feel less alone. It's good you've looked into it and are putting it to action to not argue back, etc.

People with BPD have easily triggered emotions and those emotions can quickly go to full volume. Understanding that may help to see that he still loves you even when he's going through emotional dysregulation -- at least when he calms down it will be more apparent.

It's important to have a good support system when in a relationship with someone with BPD: friends, family, therapist, clergy, online forum like this one, etc. I also recommend reading the books "Stop walking on eggshells" and "Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist". Both are great books and may help in your understanding of BPD and to remind you to take care of yourself. Good luck and post if any questions.

[SaltyDawg]

Palesaints, you are literally a saint!  Keep up the great job that you are doing for your boyfriend!

It is absolutely awesome that you are learning about BPD and are being supportive of your boyfriend.

What you describe is typical BPD behavior, and it is called splitting [where he is continually angry at you for hours up to a couple of days, and sees you in a negative way, some call it painting you black - as in black/white thinking].  Splitting can last anywhere from minutes to days, but rarely longer than that.  With my wife (undiagnosed BPD) it typically lasts for a few hours but this varies from borderline to borderline.

Probably the easiest way for me to explain the thought process is that your boyfriend feels emotions much more intensely than you do.  While I haven't seen it referred anywhere in the technical publications; I personally use the term emotional multiplier.

An example would be if you felt an emotion on a scale of 1 to 10, he would feel your one as a one [which is normal baseline for most people]; however, a 2 he would feel as a 4, and a 5 is felt as a 10.  Anything between 6 and 10 for you, is irrational splitting and/or irrational anger a.k.a. rage, as it is off the scale, and he cannot control it too much as it is literally too much emotion in his mind.  He doesn't want to do it, he doesn't know how to handle it, and the emotions will appear scary real, because they are at the moment, even though it is not intended.  As long as he is in therapy [DBT is preferred; however, other therapies work as well], and can manage it fairly well, he is better off than most from the way you describe him as he can control it somewhat, and he is internalizing it so he won't lash out at you - and that is a good thing for you.  The best thing you can do is be there for him and let him know that you won't leave him (words and/or actions), and communicate that you understand that he feels things much more intensely than you do, and that is 'ok'.

Borderlines have problems regulating emotions, and they are often said to wear their emotions on their sleeve -- another way of thinking about this is that they have no mental filter.  Whereas, you or I would think a thought, but not necessarily blurt it out.  Borderlines, more often than not, will just blurt it out. 

For example:  If your partner does something stupid, and you think to yourself "that was really stupid", you wouldn't go and tell your partner "you are stupid!" as that is a trigger for anyone; however, that is what the borderline will do instead of reframing it to something like a normal would "Wow, why did you do that?" [which implies potential stupidity]; however, even this kind of a response is triggering to a borderline, and you would have to even rephrase it further to remove anything that remotely implies a negative thing to something like "I would really like this to be done _____ way" [avoids any conflict, and states what you would like without.  And even that could be triggering if they are triggered too much.  Then it is time to walk away after you have done that twice, to let things settle down.

However, do setup boundaries for any behavior that is unacceptable to you.  Even though you haven't indicated this, it may happen, you need to be prepared for it.  Such as yelling, or worse.  I have experiences both yelling and worse starting in year 3 of my relationship with my wife.  If boundaries aren't set early enough, these can spiral out of control as it was in my relationship.

Also, learn what triggers him into these moods, sometimes they are obvious, other times they are not.  Ask him, he might have a sense of it.  Both of you will need to actively avoid those triggers, or recognize emotional hints, and take appropriate action.  That is what I am doing more of with my wife.

Of course this is an oversimplification of what is actually going on.  It doesn't address abandonment issues, and other dysregulated behaviors associated with the borderline.  If you have any additional questions, feel free to ask, I will do my best to point you in a good direction for you.