BPD Grandma

[unicornlaxative]

Hello,

IDK what to do. My mother (60s) shows signs of BPD toward my child -

1. fake crying just to get a hug or a kiss or an ILY
2. She keeps on buying her toys and stuff even if she has financial problems when I tell her not to,
3. keeps on missing my child even though they've just spoken or spent time together and we live a few houses apart.
4. Gaslights her when my kid is momentarily not interested in playing with the toy she gave
5. constantly acts as if she is the only one who cares for the well-being of my child.
6. demeans and calls me names in front of her when she blows up
7. shouts at me in front of her.
8. forces my child to say, "you love me, right? you love me?" just after she yells at me lividly.
9. calls my discipline style "Hitler" and controlling and always believe my kid would commit suicide because I'm harsh. (My discipline style is to discuss with my child what she did, the effects, and how to avoid it the next time. and for her, it is harsh because "my kid does not need to be confronted that she is a bad person," which is completely opposite to what I am doing.)
10. Reacts grandiosely when my child cries or, in her words, "I make her cry"

Most of the time, she is tame, and my daughter loves her infinitely. I also know that she loves my kid and won't do anything to hurt her. But I can see signs of how she manipulated me, and I get triggered and alarmed, and when I see it, I immediately put walls up and/or leave.

I don't tell her because she won't accept and would end up in a fight about how I am a dictator and a control freak. So we just leave.

I know it has an effect on my child when one day she said, "I didn't tell maminga I got hurt the other day because I knew she would have such a loud and emotional reaction, and I don't like it. I like how you react, mama. So I just kept it in even though it hurts so bad."

Imagine, a 7 yo kid having that kind of understanding that her grandmother does not have a healthy response to negative situations. She didn't need to manage the emotions of a 60+-year-old woman.

And I got troubled because it is precisely why I am not open to my mom. And now she is experiencing it and being the same way.

IDK what to do - I don't want to break their relationship because we are all she has and my daughter loves her and loves spending time with her. But I also want to protect my daughter from her ways.

IDK.

[zachira]

You are in a tough situation with your mother. Your daughter is very lucky that you are very aware of what is going on. There are many members on PSI, who have chosen to not allow their mother with strong BPD traits to be alone with their children. I was raised by a mother with BPD. It always helped me to have other adults around, who did not support how badly my mother treated me. The worst abuse occurred most of the time when I was alone with her.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi again UL  

Oof... I won't lie to you, I was triggered reading your post, and description of how your mother acts with your children.

I am personally no contact right now with my BPD mother and so.. consider I have a bias in my views. No contact is a personal choice,  and is not warranted or needed in all situations.

When I had children is exactly when I finally realized something was deeply wrong in my relationship with my own mother. There was such a strong dissonance between how I felt toward my children, and how I knew my mother had raised me, that it triggered my journey, and my realizations about her BPD.

When in she was visiting us, or us visiting her, I observed that:

- She was emotionnally clingy toward them, over time, I came to understand this could develop into emotional enmeshment if I allowed her to be with them too often

- she was jealous and competitive of their love toward me. Like she wanted to be their mother. So she started making weird comments against me, wedging them against me "I'd do it, I love you so much, but your mother doesn't want me to" without asking me anything. So I knew that letting them with her without supervision might result in her triangulating them against me, which is where I drew the line.

I would never leave my BPD mother unsupervised with my children. From experience, I saw her try to triangulate my nephew and niece against their mother... And I don't want her doing the same to me. I've seen members here realize this too late, and now their children are being used as pawns to hurt them... It is a horrible situation to be in, one I would encourage you to prevent at all cost by not allowing them together unsupervised.

Do you think this is something that could potentially happen? Her triangulating your child against you?

[Couscous]

IDK what to do - I don't want to break their relationship because we are all she has and my daughter loves her and loves spending time with her. But I also want to protect my daughter from her ways.

You don't necessarily have to break off their relationship, but leaving your daughter alone with her might be something to reconsider doing. You probably do need to begin reducing the amount of time both you and your daughter spend with her -- even though this may be a very scary prospect for you and very difficult since you might feel incredibly guilty even feel like you are abandoning her. But it's actually the loving thing to do, even though at first it might feel like the exact opposite.

The problem is that your mother is far too emotionally dependent on both you and your daughter, and this very unhealthy for all of you, including your mother. This is called enmeshment, and it is actually the most damaging part of having a BPD mother. If you do not have a support system for yourself, I encourage you to begin building one because it will not be easy setting boundaries with your mother if you don't have supportive people in your life. One way to do this is to attend 12 Step meetings, such as Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families.  

I encourage you to educate yourself on enmeshment, beginning with this article: https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest
I also encourage you to also read the book mentioned in the article, The Emotional Incest Syndrome which will help you break the cycle so that both you and your daughter can have a chance at a healthier future.  

[unicornlaxative]

thank you all. yes it is possible for my mom to pit my daughter against me so i have been building my girl to be aware that it is not kind when someone tells something bad against someone.

i'll read your suggestions.

this is so hard.