sister moved back in for the foreseeable future

[froggielattae]

This is my first time posting and I am fairly new to this forum, but I just needed to get things off my chest so to speak.

I (24) have a sister (25) with bpd who is very close in age with me, and growing up we were best friends. Things took a turn in our relationship once we become teenagers and her bpd really began to show. I quickly became the mediator between my parents and my sister while I too was struggling to find the sister i knew and loved so much. it was clear to  me that she was going through things I would never understand, but she made it so hard to be on her side. there was constant screaming matches in my house and with a much younger brother I had to grow up real quick to help keep him from some of the terror I had felt myself.

there were times where my sister would threaten to kill my parents, and she would say it to me like she was doing me a favor if she did do it. She was even put into inpatient due to some suicidal attempts. There is so much more that had happened that I don't need to bring back up, and I need to move past that part of my life (when i was 14-18) so that I can have a good relationship with her and maybe help her repair those family bonds. But things have made a horrible turn after she moved back in when she went through a bad break up. I was scared but hopeful that things could be different.

Its been about two months since she moved in and things were as calm as things could be with our family all living under one house until recently. My sister found out she was pregnant and has been really sick because of it. She is clearly uncomfortable and that is beginning to wear on her and cause problems. She has started fights with my brother and I and then kept them going for two days. I refuse to walk away like I normally do because im sick of our sibling drama becoming a moment of her being the victim and me being the bully. When in retrospect we both are being equally rude to each other until she goes off on a rampage. Once that happens there is not stopping her and she immediately comes for every horrible thing she can say about me and make me feel like the worst person to ever exist. I know this is apart of her having bpd but I will not allow someone to treat me like that regardless. So then I have to force myself to walk away and laugh it off to avoid going into a depressive headspace.

she laughed with my mom about how she wants to kill me and that I have started a war with her. Then she tried to gaslight me into thinking I have always been the one in the wrong and that I am an evil person. All of this over the most minuscule drama (not hearing the dogs ring the bell to go outside while she was taking a nap). All in all its just a bunch of things she says  to make me hurt like she is hurting. She says I need to get over the past like its stupid that I am still clinging to trauma I sometimes cant shake. I have been to therapy and talked out my demons and I know what I need to do to help myself. And then she goes and makes me feel like Im harboring all this resentment to ruin her life. I told her I dont respect her, which was not nice but it is the truth. And this has caused her to completely freak out on me. Which to be fair it wasnt a good thing to say to someone. Now she keeps saying if i cant respect her then she needs to cut me off because she cant have people in her life who dont respect her. I told her respect is earned not freely given and its not like I am doing this to blatantly disrespect her. I just dont respect what she does to me and all the people around her.. This has made me realize she does not see what the past has done to me and the work I put it in to get through that past trauma I dont want weighing me down.

Its a really hard relationship to try and keep a float because if i dont bend to the way she wants me to treat her then she threatens to leave and cut me out of her life. I love my sister and that is not something I would ever want to happen. But I also cant concede my only boundaries and morals just to pacify her. I dont know what to do and I just wish things werent like this. Thats kind of funny to say cause I know most people in the forum feel that way. We all wish our loved ones could be okay and not have to struggle with such an antagonizing disorder.

thank you if you read this far and I hope you are doing well, always remember to be kind to yourself so you can be kind to others.

[Methuen]

Hi Froggielattae

I am sorry for all this.  It sounds like there has been a lot, both past and present.

It's great you have been to therapy in the past.  

Have either of your parents also been to therapy?  For example, to learn skills for how to manage a daughter with BPD?  And gain awareness for the impacts that could have on other siblings? And to learn skills to help them parent their BPD daughter?

For your BPD sister, pregnancy is going to be a stressor, and with BPD she likely doesn't have the emotional intelligence to be able to cope with that.  So her behavior isn't likely to get better.  It's likely to get worse.

In the past, your sister has threatened to kill your parents.  She has been suicidal.  And now this:

she laughed with my mom about how she wants to kill me and that I have started a war with her.

.  As concerning as her language is, the bigger concern is how did your mom respond to this?  Did she take it seriously?  Blow it off?  Laugh it off?  What action did your mom take to make it clear to your sister that this kind of talk isn't ok?  Is she seeking advice from a professional over the recent escalation of behavior from your sister? What support do your mom and dad have or seek as parents with a BPD daughter?

Does your sister go to therapy? Has she ever in the past? How did it go?

You cannot fix this.  It's even possible that therapists can't help your sister since BPD is very challenging to treat unless the person really wants to change .  And the problem isn't going to just go away with time. When the baby comes, the chaos won't stop, it will just change, and probably get even more complicated in ways that are hard to imagine right now.

You mentioned you are 24.  Are you in a position to consider moving out and living independently?  Is this something you could or would look at doing?

[froggielattae]

Thank you Methuen for the reply, to answer some of your questions. My sister has been to therapy on and off but there has never been a time she has gone willingly. My parents used to go to counseling during the tough teenage years but have never been back since. I feel I should hit up my therapist and start going again because its starting to affect me a lot more than I thought it would. I am also exploring options or subleasing a place to stay for the timing being. It is unsure whether she will be keeping the baby or not so future problems are just gonna have to be a future me’s problem. I didnt want to start paying rent someone but I may have to and change my future plans.

I know every family member deals with it in a different way but i feel like recently my parents been more focused on keeping the peace and letting her steam roll us. Ive had to apologize for things I didnt do just to keep my sister from screaming at me in public places. Which she did anyways and then refused to apologize as well after a whole lot of name calling and embarrassment. It sucks that I feel stuck. But the only thing i can do, like you alluded to, is to separate myself. It feels like im the one being punished and exiled but I know deep down thats not really the case. At the end of the day I have to protect my peace. Even if that means moving out early.

Also lastly, im not sure how my mom reacted to my sister talking about killing me. I kinda tunnel visioned after it all happened because I try to block out as much as I can to keep her words from affecting me.I guess we all dont take it very seriously because she has always been all talk with little to no bite. One of my friends described this as my final boss. Her BPD is something I have to overcome. After that I could probably move a damn mountain if I wanted to. The amount of patience and stamina needed to tackle moments like this is insane.I gotta hang on to the positive side of things if I can.

[Methuen]

It sucks that I feel stuck. But the only thing i can do, like you alluded to, is to separate myself. It feels like im the one being punished and exiled but I know deep down thats not really the case. At the end of the day I have to protect my peace. Even if that means moving out early.

 This.  It sounds like you have a head on your shoulders.  

Also lastly, im not sure how my mom reacted to my sister talking about killing me. I kinda tunnel visioned after it all happened because I try to block out as much as I can to keep her words from affecting me.

Personally I think how your mom reacted is important for two reasons: (1) you and your needs matter as much as your sister's...right? Just because she has BPD doesn't mean your needs within the family have less value than hers. I don't believe it's normal to be at the receiving end of hearing yourself being talked about being killed.  Even as a "joke", that crosses a line (2) what message is your sister learning if this way of talking isn't checked?  She probably doesn't have good boundaries of her own, so the only way she can learn boundaries is if the people around her enforce their own personal boundaries.  Boundaries are not rules for the other person.  Instead, they are for you. How you and your mom react when she says this is important.  

You posted here for a reason.  Lots going on, and it's not feeling good for you.  What are your own personal boundaries about all this?  What personal values are guiding your these boundaries of yours?  (Rhetorical question - no need to answer) How can you enforce your own boundaries?
 

I feel I should hit up my therapist and start going again because its starting to affect me a lot more than I thought it would. I am also exploring options or subleasing a place to stay for the timing being.

These both sound like excellent options to explore.  

[Snoopy737]

This is my first time posting and I am fairly new to this forum, but I just needed to get things off my chest so to speak.

Hi Froggielattae I havn't been to bpdfamily for ages, but you know, at Christmas everything kind of comes back into our memory, so I actually back Christmasday just to see, what was happening, and then I read your post. And I really felt many of the same feelings and stood in many of the same situations, when I was your age, so I decided to dig into your story and tell you what I did in some of the kind of same situations.

So now, I've copy pasted your start story and then I would like to comment under your story paragraphs.

I actually didn't read if your a woman or a man, but that's not important to me. I'm a guy (53) now and my sis is 2½ years older, so she's almost (56) now. I'm from Scandinavia, so English is my second language, so pardon me for the weird syntax and the typos. ;)

Maybe you think there's a big age difference between us, and you're right. But why I stumbled over your story was because my big sister (there was/is only the two of us) became kind of weird when she was 16 – og boy it's almost 40 years ago – but the strange thing is that the episodes with my sister felt so bad at that time, so I remember them as it was yesterday. And it sound like you and your sister might have been almost the same ages when your troubles began.

But the episodes at that time made so big impressions on me, that I ofte goes back retrospectively to understand what really happened at that time. I guess you also feel that it can be quite confusing, when you're in the middle of a siblings weird temper tantrums and you don't understand why it all began.

As of now, I'm a pretty sure my sister has a lot of the personality disorder in her genes. And now where we can read a lot about bpd and personality disorders (I didn't know anything that time in the mid 80s, no internet, no books about it in scandinavian languages) it's pretty obvious that hers kicked in about 15-16 yo. Since then I've known a lot of people with personality disorders, and even some with a heavier diagnosis, and most often it kicked in at about 16. So now I know, that neither me or my parents could've done anything about it. I see it like a time bomb coded in the genes and the brain. It's not that I think Bpd sisters can't do anything about it, of course there a lot to do and work with. The main problem as I see it, is that bpd sisters often feel offended and treated wrong, so they haven't any idea that the ”problem” could lie in themselves. They are pretty sure someone else is causing them all these troubles, and that's why they're ofte aren't motived for psychotherapy. My sister was 100% sure the fault was in my parents behaviour and in her little brother (me). It wasn't easy to get psychoterapy that time in the mid 80s, actually it was quite rare, and if people heard about it they thought that the person was a bit crazy. That's why it also was a tabu.

In Scandinavia Christianity in the 80s and up hasn't been as popular as in the central states of America. We were baptised but only went to chuch about Christmas time and that was it. So if someone totally laid their life into the hands of God/Jesus it was also kind of weird at that time. And that was what my sister did. She found those people who told her that her parents and I were not good people and she believed everything. It made my parents so so sad, bc they felt they had did everything for her. Everything they knew about in the mid 80s, that is. It also made me sad, because quarrels came into our daily life, and as a little brother oc you love your sister, so where do you stand. With your parents or with your sis, when they totally diagree. I would rather not stand with any of them in arguments, but then I also felt, that I was absolutely alone. To me it was hell. So at 13-14 my hell began.

When I look at it today, sis putting her life in hands of the people in the church was kind of the only solution for her at that time, when she felt as bad as she began feeling at 15-16. At that time my parents and her argued about how you should be a Christian, but today I see that that wasn't the real problem. It was my sister who felt bad and alone inside. After a couple of decades my sister took a more easy position with her Christianity, and her problems continued at jobs, with friends, with her two husbands. So she's divorced twice and lives alone now.

(I think this is a good intro, so now I will write my thoughts about your story)



I (24) have a sister (25) with bpd who is very close in age with me, and growing up we were best friends.


Great, that you remember good times. I think it's really important to know, that you have roots/memories where everything felt quite okay or maybe good. I have the same with my sis until she became 16, and I tell you, that's the time I dream of, also today when I'm 53. I want my sister back like was when she was 15, or the kind of relationsship, just as adults oc.


Things took a turn in our relationship once we become teenagers and her bpd really began to show.

Yup, sounds really normal that it kicks in there. Hormones in our bodies and the brain changes a lot in the teenage years. Did you know it was bpd then? I guess not?



I quickly became the mediator between my parents and my sister while I too was struggling to find the sister i knew and loved so much. it was clear to  me that she was going through things I would never understand, but she made it so hard to be on her side.


Oh yes, me too! But to be honest, the mediator is a Sh***y role, because act like buffers/cushions taking the trash, if just we can keep a tiny bit of the family peace. It is  pricey and no one can do that in the long run without burning out. We do the best of the best, we use all our energy in keeping sister and parents together, even though it's impossible.

As an adult I've heard several podcasts where the psychologist ends up concluding that sibling problems almost always are due to parents who don't or won't take responsibility. It's their responsibility to act loud and clear about what is alright and what's not. And if the bdp sister acts out, it's their responsibility to take the command. My parents never did, so I also got or took this mediater role from time to time. I actually think my parents were afraid of my sister. And my mom told be so only a year ago, that they were. They were afraid that my sister wouldn't see them at all. And my mom and my dad couldn't take that, so they have always tried to sugarcoat all conflicts. They suffered inside but didn't answer back, just let my sister abuse them by charging them with all kind of cruelties sister felt my parents didn't give dem. So sister projected all her problems and feelings onto my parents and sometime onto me, and we ate it. Every time. When I was 18 I actually got severe anxiety and went to a psychologist for it, and today I know it was always related to family dinners and problems with sister. I hated this fake play. I had to has this happy mask on at those dinners with my sisters, when I felt all the explosive energy in my head and in my heart. It felt so wrong not to take the conflict. So today when I don't take a conflict and act like a pleaser, I get my anxiety. So it's kind of a good message to me to do something about it. Don't eat all the trash from others. When I make boundaries my anxiety actually disappears like dew in sunshine.



there was constant screaming matches in my house and with a much younger brother I had to grow up real quick to help keep him from some of the terror I had felt myself.

Yup. I know that, too. I just didn't have a young sibling. If I have had one, I hope I would have done the same as you: protecting him or her. It's the natural thing to do. But sadly it's really pricey for the sibling in the middle, and I hear it was a big price you've had to pay for taking that kind position to protect your younger brother. It actually tells me all about you and your kind personality.

there were times where my sister would threaten to kill my parents, and she would say it to me like she was doing me a favor if she did do it.

Yeah, that's pretty far out. It's hard to say if she really wanted to do it, when she was angry or it ”just” was a way to let her steam out. But for you, who didn't know it was real or not, it must have been absolutely awful. I would have been nervous all the time, both night and day, if my sister had said things like that.

She was even put into inpatient due to some suicidal attempts.

Yeah, so you didn't even know if she would take your parents down or herself. That's awful growing up with that in the familiy. I can really hear you've had a living hell to. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It's unbearable for a teenager or a young adult in her/his 20ies.


There is so much more that had happened that I don't need to bring back up, and I need to move past that part of my life (when i was 14-18) so that I can have a good relationship with her and maybe help her repair those family bonds.

I understand. Every time we think back of those crazy episodes, we get sad and the wounds never get a chance to heal. I only think we should bring it up, when we have sessions with out psychologist or when we wanna tell our girlfriend/boyfriend about it, so that they can get an idea of how the relationship was at that time.



But things have made a horrible turn after she moved back in when she went through a bad break up. I was scared but hopeful that things could be different.

It isn't a suprise to me. It travels in the Bpd sisters mind, so oc they bring it back. My sister also got divorced with a priest from the church when I was about 24, and sister moved home to my parents. Luckily I had my own appartment at that time, but when I visited my mom and dad, sister took all their energy. She talked and talked and talked about how bad her mariage had been. And we didn't like the priest either. Bc he told lies all the time and beated her up and still calling himself a very good Christian connected to God. (sigh) But sister was so glad for my parents that half year, but her wounds were big and my sister never ever wanted to go to a psychologist. She never trusted them. And she's always been 100% sure that a psychologist wouldn't understand her christianity and therefore could help her. That was her explanation. Today in my fifties, I think she might have been scared of it, because a psychologist hardly would agree with all her temper tantrums as a solution.


Its been about two months since she moved in and things were as calm as things could be with our family all living under one house until recently.

Okay, sounds a it like my sister relief the first time ...


My sister found out she was pregnant and has been really sick because of it.

Oh boy. I guess the hormones tricks her brain, so she doesn't know at any time what she feel and why.


She is clearly uncomfortable and that is beginning to wear on her and cause problems. She has started fights with my brother and I and then kept them going for two days.

Really sad for your young brother, also bc you've used so much of your energy to protect him. I might sound kind of strict here, but I still think it's your parents responsibility to stop this in their home. And when the problems started when your sister returned, it's kind of obvious that she's causing them and that your parents need to ask her to find a nother place to live. I know the world isn't ideal and parents aren't perfect. But in a perfect and fair world I think it should be your parents responsibility, so that at least your brother is saved for the conflicts. Oc I also think you should be saved for all the quarrels, but when you're 24 it could be a good time to leave the apocalypse and find a calm appartment with a calm roomie? Just my thought. I don't think you should stay in this sibling drama, as you call it youself.


I refuse to walk away like I normally do because im sick of our sibling drama becoming a moment of her being the victim and me being the bully.


Oc it's a good thing you refuse to do that, and again I think your parents should show your sister the door, but maybe they're also afraid to lose her, like my parents were afraid to lose my sister? IDK but oc it's also hard on them. But I think you should listen to that good inner voice you have, who won't accept this. And if your parents won't/can't move your sister, I can only see that you have to move yourself, so you won't have more years of your youth spoiled. It get it's heart breakin to leave your little brother with the bdp sis, but first we have to save ourselves. I don't mean you have to walk out of the fights, I mean you have to move yourself and your stuff to a calm appartment or move in with a calm friend/roomie.


When in retrospect we both are being equally rude to each other until she goes off on a rampage. Once that happens there is not stopping her and she immediately comes for every horrible thing she can say about me and make me feel like the worst person to ever exist.

Yes, it's horrible. And when I got older and had enough of sister harsh accusations and talked back in the same wasy, she became mad like a bat and when she finally cried, my mom always took her part. (Big fault mom, you set rules for your house, you don't chose side of the child who cries first)


I know this is apart of her having bpd but I will not allow someone to treat me like that regardless.

GOOD to hear that! Bc you shouldn't. And with 40 years of experience, it has never – not one time – done anything good going soft on the bpd sister. So when my mom did that, my sister just used it to be even harder and more cruel to me – bc she got away with it. (It sounds really childish, like in kindergarten, right, but it is that simple). So never bent. Never eat the trash! Bc then it will be even harder next time you fight, and you will lose your self respect in the long run – or maybe worse – in the short run.



So then I have to force myself to walk away and laugh it off to avoid going into a depressive headspace.

Yes, a completely understandable way of coping. But I'm so so sad that it pulls you down. You are a young person who should go to school or learn something at a community college or have a nice place where you love to work. And in your free time, you should have fun! You know FUN! After years with a bdp sibling, we don't even know how to have fun anymore, and thats pretty scary, bc that's the way depression and anxiety starts.
So actually it shouldn't even be in your mind so you have to laugh it off. There should actually be nice things in your mind, and nice persons. I really, really think you have to move yourself away from this house, bc it could break you in the long run.



she laughed with my mom about how she wants to kill me and that I have started a war with her.

Okay, and that's where parents really should tell their oldest daughter that that way of speaking stops now as in NOW! And if they don't do it, you're being pressured from two sites. Absolutely wrong and a very clear reason to move out of that house.

Then she tried to gaslight me into thinking I have always been the one in the wrong and that I am an evil person.

Yeah, I've hard that too, and they always deliver that with a smirk that says how much they enjoy saing it, right? Do not accept anybody talking to you like that!


All of this over the most minuscule drama (not hearing the dogs ring the bell to go outside while she was taking a nap). All in all its just a bunch of things she says  to make me hurt like she is hurting.

Exactly! You're so right! Froggielattae, and you know SO MUCH more that I did, when I was 24.

[Snoopy737]

All of this over the most minuscule drama (not hearing the dogs ring the bell to go outside while she was taking a nap). All in all its just a bunch of things she says  to make me hurt like she is hurting.

Exactly! You're so right! Froggielattae, and you know SO MUCH more that I did, when I was 24. So, well done you! You read you're homework! As long as she can hurt you, she will do that, because then she feels just a tiny bit better that her awful feelings inside most bpds carry around all the time.


She says I need to get over the past like its stupid that I am still clinging to trauma I sometimes cant shake.

Kind of funny like they always blame others for exactly the same things THEY DO! Right?


I have been to therapy and talked out my demons and I know what I need to do to help myself.

 Good for you! Great step! I'm so glad hearing that, bc that house and sister sounds soo toxic!



And then she goes and makes me feel like Im harboring all this resentment to ruin her life.


Yeah, well, self desserved. When a bpd sister tries to ruin others life, because they don't have any self insight, karma hits them in the back head and they ruin their own life. If she could focus on a hobby or a subject a college bringing herself forward, she would have to play the blame game constantly. But I guess she can't. I guess she – like my sister – does come so good along others as they say. They usually have the same problems with other people, they just only dare to blame and confront the people they know really good, like siblings and parents. If they were so confronting an blaming other people, they would definitely get the same trash back, and they couldn't cope with that. And no one would comfort them if they began crying, so that tactic wouldn't work either.


I told her I dont respect her, which was not nice but it is the truth. And this has caused her to completely freak out on me. Which to be fair it wasnt a good thing to say to someone.

Okay, as I hear your desciption, I actually think you DO respect her – when she respect other people and you and don't attack or play the blame game constantly. I really think you do respect her, and love her, like I love and respect my sister. But it's perfectly understandable that you feel you've come to a point where you don't feel you respect her.  That just means that you have to do something for yourself NOW. Like moving out. Then it will be  easier to show that you respect her, bc you might be meeting her in a café in a mall where it would be a bit weird to freak out as she do at home at your parents house.



Now she keeps saying if i cant respect her then she needs to cut me off because she cant have people in her life who dont respect her.

It's kind of right, that she shouldn't have people in her life that doesn't respect her. Like no one should have people in their life who doesn't respect them. And you shouldn't have people in your life, if they don't respect you.

But I don't believe that you don't respect her. Not pleasing her, when she blames you with all her trast, is not, that you don't respect her. That's just a normal act and healthy self defence. I hear that she doesn't respect you, so to me it's actually your choise, if you want her in your life, when she doesn't respect you. I'm almost 100% sure that you respect other people in your life and that they respect you. So oc you respect her, but you don't want to be used as a door. That's a completely different thing.



I told her respect is earned not freely given and its not like I am doing this to blatantly disrespect her.

Exactly, so you do respect her. I knew that.


I just dont respect what she does to me and all the people around her..

Exactly and no one should.

This has made me realize she does not see what the past has done to me and the work I put it in to get through that past trauma I dont want weighing me down.

She doesn't see it. I know it from my sis. They are so broken inside, that they can't even feel themselves. So when she can't even feel her, how would she be able to feel you. She can't. It's not about that she won't. She just can't. She doesn't have the skills to do that. She doesn't have the self insight to do that. And she's so freaked out inside, that she doesn't even have the energy to see it, even if you told her 2hours every night for the next year. They are in a kind of survival mode. I think you don't understand who she feels inside, and I'm NOT blaming you at all. I didn't know that too, for decades I didn't know it, didn't believe it. Why don't we believe it. Bc WE have the skills ourselves. We know how to show sympathy, empathy and love and kindness. But only because we have the skills and have a surplus to do it. Maybe imagine sometime when you felt really, really down. Something that didn't have anything to do with your sister, but maybe when a girlfriend/boyfriend unexpectedly broke up with you or cheated. And when those kind of things happen to us, we usually can't sleep and our mind runs all the time and finally we also get the flu. Not we both feel like sh** fysically AND emotionally. I guess we all have had those episodes. Maybe we don't even wanna go in the fridge to take some food or a soda, bc we're down. So we just sit in the sofa, cry, wathing awfull soaps on the, scrolling stupid stuff on instagram. I a friend called us now, and wanted to tell us about how rude their teacher had been to them, we wouldn't have the energy to listen to them. I think we wouldn't even pick up.  When I see myself in this situation, I imagine that bdps might feel that lousy most of the time, so ANYTHING that can change their focus, e.g. Blaming parents or you for anything and everything will make them feel better for at little while. Maybe just minutes. But I think the actually feel that bad, since they're willing to do everyting, even to their siblings, to feel better. After all these decades I acutally think that's why they can do it to us. They are willing to do anything to feel a little better about themselves, like users of crystal meth will do anything to buy the next dose.
I think you can get a bit over the blaming and maybe take them a litlle less personal, when you think back to how awful bpds may feel inside, since they're willing to blame their loved ones. And it's only bc we feel A LOT better, that we can see how unfair it is. Sometimes I also think of Titanic, the movie, that when people really are threatened, they step on other people on the staircase  - even step on children – to save themselves. I think it's a survival mechanism built in, and the reasy why we non-BPDs can't see why they react so unfairly, it's because we as of right now feel so much better than them. So it has helped me think how bad they must feel inside, since they are willing to do all this to their most loved ones. And then I can let go of the personal aspect in my sisters criticism.

Then comes another hard thing to bear/bare? That we get sad, that our sibling really feels that bad most of the time. But I can better be in this sorrow, than I can be in the irritation of how unfair her accusations were.



Its a really hard relationship to try and keep a float because if i dont bend to the way she wants me to treat her then she threatens to leave and cut me out of her life.

It is really hard!


 I love my sister and that is not something I would ever want to happen.

Exactly. I knew that Froggy, and that's why I know that you also respect your sister. Otherwise you wouldn't write in this forum, you would be just MEH!


But I also cant concede my only boundaries and morals just to pacify her.

Oc not. And you shouldn't.

I dont know what to do and I just wish things werent like this.


That is how we feel, yeah! It's a long way to acceptance. It's about acceptance. It is what it is. My sister has bpd, she suffers, and she can't even see it herself, even though it's SO obvious to us!

That's a hard situation to accept. I've been going to therapy for years, and called bpd hotlines for years. Even those years were my sister's gone no contact. Still I called those bpd hotlines, bc I wanted SO SO SO SOO BAD that it wasn't wat it actually was. And when finally sister stopped hating me, and we met with my mom, and we went to the zoo and had a great time the first three hours, and I thought ”YES, finally”, then it went all bad in the fourth and the fifth hour at the zoo, and my bpd sister was back. Nothing had changed! All my calls to the hotlines, me attending meeting in eating disorder groups (sis has an eating disorder too as a way to cope and get control), and everything was ruined in the fifth hour at the zoo. Sister got mad at me, and everything bad returned and she got no contact to me for years and years. I can only say. I really really love her, since I did all that, but it didn't bring any positive result at all. My time was wasted! 100% Wasted. I had changed, even more understanding (well, then I wasn't a complete waste), but sister didn't move an inch. It sucked. So acceptance isn't a thing you just get in a week, in a month or for that matter in a year. It's something we have to work on all the time – I think.


Thats kind of funny to say cause I know most people in the forum feel that way. We all wish our loved ones could be okay and not have to struggle with such an antagonizing disorder.

Yes, Indeed we do!

thank you if you read this far and I hope you are doing well, always remember to be kind to yourself so you can be kind to others.

Thank you, Froggielattae for your time and your story. It also helps me a lot, bc I know that I'm not alone in the world with these feelings.

At the moment my sisters is no contact with me. My dad has died now, my mom is 84, and it's only this year she has giving up the hope that my sister will ever change, bc sister won't work with herself in therapy. So love goes a long, long way.

All best to you. I'm really impressed that you have that great an insight only at a age of 24. You have already come a long, long way.  It's so freakin' bloody easy for me to say, and a lot of people told me for decades before I believed it, but if we let things be, let our conflicts with out bpd sisters be and do something positive for our own life and own relations, we actually get more energy when we're finally together with our bds-sister. So doing anything good for yourself will actually be the absolutely best investment in a future relationship with your sister.

We can hope, we can pray (if we do that), bot our sisters has to walk the road themselves. Lets hope they do so at some time in the future, but please take care of your own life first, get in surplus and maybe do something fun together with your little brother and hopefully the contrast will be so great for your parents too, that they see who's living their lives and who's must bitching and blaming others for a life they don't dare to live.

All best from me, from Scandinavia, P