I think my family has a BPD gene

[OnThePath]

I have been in therapy for about 20 years now, though I took some breaks here and there. I am finally in a space where I feel I can finally and fully look at myself and my family, take responsibility for my actions and accept consequences for any of my actions. That has been the easy part. The hard part is figuring out what to do with my family. I have given up trying to change them, finally.

My mother and brother most likely suffer from BPD, my sister has traits, and my daughter has been diagnosed as having it. I am often the scapegoat and struggle with PTSD and have little to no memory of my childhood. What I do remember comes in flash backs: Scary rages, violent encounters, my brother coming at me with a knife in a rage. My ex-husband’s family had similar traits. It felt comfortable and familiar. I understood the rules. It wasn’t until couples therapy (I forced him to go and continued on my own when he stopped) that I learned it was an abusive situation. I didn’t have enough self respect at the time to leave for me; I left because it wasn’t a good situation for my children.The divorce was nasty. The children suffered. I have a lot of regrets and guilt about that but understand that I was trying to do the right thing and did the best I could at the time. I moved home to get the support but it is difficult to get support from people that have BPD. It probably actually made things worse.

My children are now grown, and my daughter that struggles with BPD is not speaking to me. She has grown close with her father. She is blaming me, criticizing me, and becoming quite cruel. Anytime I try to fix it or do something kind it gets turned around. I am struggling. It is so hard. It really hurts. I am determined to at least fix myself so I can at the minimum do no damage. And maybe even hurt a little less. Has anyone reading this found a way to have a healthy relationship with family members who struggle with BPD? I can sort of manage my parents and siblings and will go no contact when they get too abusive, but my daughter? This is so hard.

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you, hearing you have so many family members with BPD and BPD traits . I too have many family members with BPD and/or strong BPD traits. I do think that there is a gene for having a bad temper, which shows itself at birth, and can eventually manifest as BPD and/or NPD in adults, though sometimes can be counteracted if the child is raised in a soothing environment (though not always). Having a child with BPD, is probably the most difficult and heartbreaking of all. There are many members on this site who have a child with BPD, and these members often also post on the Board for a daughter or son with BPD. You are welcome to post both on this Board and the one with a daughter or son with BPD. We are here to listen and help in any ways we can.

[Couscous]

As the eldest daughter who became caretaker to my younger siblings, all three of whom have either BPD or traits, I can relate to a lot of the trials and tribulations of parents who have a BPD child.

What all three of them have complained to me about is my tendency to be an “overfunctioner” and they all get very triggered and start lashing out at me whenever I slip into overfunctioning. Perhaps this is what your daughter is reacting to. This article explains the concept: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/everything-isnt-terrible/201910/are-you-overfunctioner

I am currently on speaking terms with one brother who became verbally abusive about 5 years ago and would periodically re-enter my life only to cut me off within weeks in order to punish me for some perceived infraction. The last time he was on the brink of cutting me off I decided that I had had enough of the roller-coaster, and was fully prepared to walk away from the relationship, and I told him as much — not as an empty threat or attempt to manipulate — I was dead serious. I had also hung up the phone on him a few weeks prior when he started yelling at me, something which I had never done before. He seems to be taking me quite seriously and even though it has only been about 6 weeks, but he seems to now realize that I am no longer willing to tolerate verbally abusive behavior, and he has reigned his behavior in, and things have been civil between us for the first time in 5 years.

My sister, on the other hand has been giving me the silent treatment for the last 2 years and is showing no signs of letting up. She currently has an “ally” in my mother who has been working tirelessly at undermining (or perhaps, destroying is a more accurate word) my relationship with my sister, and I suspect that until they have a falling out, my sister and I will remain estranged, and recently I have been able to make peace with that.

If you give your daughter plenty of space there is a possibility that this “alliance” she is in with her dad could collapse, but it could take some time. What you could do in the meantime is try to strengthen any friendships you have, and maybe consider checking out some 12 Step meetings like Al-Anon. Wishing you all the best!

[OnThePath]

Thank you both for your replies. The holidays are finally over and the drama surpassed anything I could have imagined. I will read the article and some of the posts here. I am so glad to have found this community!