Estranged from Family and the Holidays

[zachira]

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/estranged-from-family-holidays_n_639e9451e4b03e2cc500e05c

[Methuen]

Great post Zachira.

"The simple question “Are you going home for the holidays?” has always made me bristle."

The family on this board will connect to this quote from your link.  Since I live in the same small community as my mom, I have not had to deal with this question.

The question I bristle at is "How is your mom doing?" sometimes followed by "Does she live with you?"

[Methuen]

Great post Zachira.

"The simple question “Are you going home for the holidays?” has always made me bristle."

The family on this board will connect to this quote from your link.  Since I live in the same small community as my mom, I have not had to deal with this question.

The question I bristle at is "How is your mom doing?" sometimes followed by "Does she live with you?"

How nice it must be to have a supportive mum and not have a clue why any of these questions would be triggering.

[zachira]

Methuen,
For most of my life, I was not at all understanding or supportive of people who were estranged from their families. It wasn't until I had a coworker who regularly shared about her mother that I became aware of how badly family members can treat other members. When the mother died, this coworker asked the staff to please not send her any condolence cards. Now I try to be careful when talking about people's families with them, not automatically assuming that the relationships are healthy or happy ones.
I hear your frustration about nobody getting your mother and wishing you had the kind of mother every child deserves. So many people fall for the performance of a mother with BPD and have no clue how badly the mother treats her children when nobody else is around except the closest family members.

[Turkish]

That's a sad article...

Last year I was invited to my ex-laws gathering. I was even gifted by a brother though I had chosen not to participate in the gifting. I appreciated it. What killed me emotionally was when I was asked to climb the stairs and snap a picture of the family, like  30 people. In my mind I thought, what about my ex BIL's hippie gf for whom he gave up his tech career (the first college grad from the family) to work at a non-profit animal sanctuary? Even his family commented upon the waste of his BS degree. Why not her, the newbie?

I like to think I'm a honeybadger (don't care), but it hurt, and I realized I was an outsider despite their culture of inclusiveness due to the kids.

This year I wasn't invited, and it became canceled anyway due to a sickness.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Last year I was invited to my ex-laws gathering. I was even gifted by a brother though I had chosen not to participate in the gifting. I appreciated it. What killed me emotionally was when I was asked to climb the stairs and snap a picture of the family, like  30 people. In my mind I thought, what about my ex BIL's hippie gf for whom he gave up his tech career (the first college grad from the family) to work at a non-profit animal sanctuary? Even his family commented upon the waste of his BS degree. Why not her, the newbie?

This reminded me of a photo at my wedding. My husband's family wanted to take a picture of them with us. So the photograph came and snapped a picture of both of us with all of his family. Once the picture had been taken, his cousin pushed me out, and said, very loudly : "Ok now just the family!" ... But of course, her brother's girlfriend, and her own boyfriend with whom she has been engaged forever now (10 years now and no date saved yet, I hear this is not her choice), were both part of the picture. I remember thinking : "Wow, how rude is that... Whatever." I wished I didn't care, but back then, I did. And still today, it would likely trigger me... I can only hope I would dare say something now.

Yesterday was Christmas Eve with my husband's extended family. It is quite clear I don't interest any of them. I am not part of the crew, and no one is interested in getting to know me. I talked a very long time with my husband's niece. She is seventeen and she hasn't been to any family gatherings in a long time, so she also seems to feel out of place. We talked about what she was doing, who she wanted to be, her studies, and she talked about video games she liked, which I used to play a lot of too. It was a nice talk.

The cousin was still cold, I asked her questions about her recent vacations, but it was quite clear she wanted nothing to do with me. One year ago, it would have bothered me, I would have felt it was me, the problem. Now I just smiled, and moved away, took care of my son, or my daughter, kissed my husband, and continued enjoying myself with those I care about. I now know better than to doubt myself. The woman is still engaged, not married, they can't have children and it hurt her... And I do feel sad for her. But not enough to endure her attitude and try to please her somehow.  

In the end, it was a nice evening. Thankfully I am ok by myself...I am sometimes awfully glad I am an introvert !

[Couscous]

Once the picture had been taken, his cousin pushed me out, and said, very loudly : "Ok now just the family!" ... But of course, her brother's girlfriend, and her own boyfriend with whom she has been engaged forever now (10 years now and no date saved yet, I hear this is not her choice), were both part of the picture.

Oh yeah, her behavior was definitely out of line, and of course it would be very triggering for you to be treated like that — it would for anyone. I don’t think she has anything against you as a person though, and I think her envy must have overcome her because you were getting to have something that she desperately wanted. I sure hope she eventually finds the courage to leave her “fiancé” so that she doesn’t have to take out her frustration on innocent people like yourself.

[seekingpeace2day]

I don’t think she has anything against you as a person though, and I think her envy must have overcome her because you were getting to have something that she desperately wanted.

^^This.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Yes, well, I think this is actually a good exemple of how most unsafe people are often triggered by who we are, but without it having anything to do with who we are, and everything to do with themselves, with what they did or couldn't do, the decisions they took and regretted, the decisions they didn't take.

It seems to me all of it often stem from envy and competition, from their own incapacity to validate themselves, to parent themselves, and to look at themselves.

They see someone having what they wanted and couldn't achieve, it triggers vulnerability, they hide from it and it comes across as mean, judgmental, rude and cold. It creates chaos around them. Other insecure people reacts to those projection, because they aren't themselves secure in themselves. Resulting in even more chaos.

The goal, in the end, truly is to remain aware of our own triggers and to manage them to not create more chaos in the world. We need to stay in control, to be the sane and safe adults that can offer firm compassion. Firm because we won't accept any  , and compassion because we can see their pain, so we don't feel a need to react by creating even more chaos.