Breakup

[AviaOct.1]

Hi. My girlfriend with BPD broke up with me last night. It all happened so quickly and aggressively. My feelings are all over the place. Does anyone have any advice of what to do next? I want to talk to her again but I need space first to process what the hell just happened. I’m honeslty just confused and looking for a bit of wisdom. What do I do if she wants to get back together?
Thanks for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SaltyDawg]

Welcome to BPD family.

When she is baseline, talk to her about it.  There could be any number of reasons why this happened.  However, it may be a 'blessing in disguise' even though it hurts really bad right now.  If she is unwilling to talk, and this still bothers you, seek out a Therapist to work through your feelings.

Send her a quick text (at least a day later so her emotions have a chance to settle) something along the lines of "I am feeling very hurt that you left me.  I am wondering why you left me?"

[SinisterComplex]

Hi. My girlfriend with BPD broke up with me last night. It all happened so quickly and aggressively. My feelings are all over the place. Does anyone have any advice of what to do next? I want to talk to her again but I need space first to process what the hell just happened. I’m honeslty just confused and looking for a bit of wisdom. What do I do if she wants to get back together?
Thanks for listening.

Hello AviaOct.1, welcome to the fam.  . Happy you found us, but sorry for the circumstances that led to you having to seek us out.

Now with that out of the way...

Can you please provide a few more details for us. Most importantly I have to ask was/is your partner diagnosed with BPD. We have to be careful with labels here. If no official diagnosis than please refer to your partner as being uBPD which means undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder.

I understand how fresh the feelings are for you. Before we get into talking about next steps though...please share more about your relationship. Provide some examples of the problems you have had, etc.

We look forward to hearing more from you.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[AviaOct.1]

Thanks for getting back to me! She is diagnosed with BPD (also thank you for clarifying, I will be more specific). We have had attachment issues before and panicked frequently that I would leave her.

As far as I’m aware, meaning that she didn’t tell me otherwise, she has never had a devaluing experience with me before but she has told me about idealization.

My thoughts are kinda frazzled right now so I’m sorry if I’m still not giving enough information but I appreciate your thoughts and look forward to hearing more

[SinisterComplex]

Thanks for getting back to me! She is diagnosed with BPD (also thank you for clarifying, I will be more specific). We have had attachment issues before and panicked frequently that I would leave her.

As far as I’m aware, meaning that she didn’t tell me otherwise, she has never had a devaluing experience with me before but she has told me about idealization.

My thoughts are kinda frazzled right now so I’m sorry if I’m still not giving enough information but I appreciate your thoughts and look forward to hearing more

You are fine. Take your time. No pressure. Safe place. No judgment. When you are ready fill us in on your relationship. Being a diagnosed BPD does make a considerable difference. However, I will wait to hear more from you before delving too deep into anything. Heal. Be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[SaltyDawg]

idealize, devalue, discard cycle is the way of the borderline and/or narcissist type relationships.  More often than not, there is also a recycle, unless the borderline/narcissist finds someone else to be their favorite person [a playmate].

Like SC indicated, you haven't given us much information, other than you have been 'discarded'. 

The best thing to do is self-care and heal.  If that means seeing an individual therapist to sort out your feelings.  You can vent here, there are plenty that listen, and will give you their opinions.  Do some other forms of self care like exercise, or any number of other things to make yourself feel better.

If you want to understand the borderline (BPD) better, please read up on it, there are plenty of books on it, and articles on this and other reputable sites.  Just make sure the information is current (since 2013) as there have been a lot of positive changes on how borderlines are treated in the past decade.

[CodaDad]

First i suggest look up “codependency” and “insecure attachment” to see if these are traits that cause you to want to stay in or rekindle this relationship. If so, then i strongly urge you work on those issues without the distraction of a relationship, especially with a bpd who will thrive on these weaknesses.  Otherwise if you have secure attachment, are not codependent, and yet for some other reason you want to stay or get back with her, then be honest with yourself about what to expect—and what not to. Bpd is no joke, it is not curable, and if your lucky and she wants to minimize the damage it will cause  to you, then her bpd might be manageable at best—but only of she makes a priority of it, without any convincing from you. Good luck!

[Fish1974]

Avia - How long were you two together? We were together for a little over 500 days (but who's counting). My therapist was surprised I made it that long. Mine pwBDP did the same thing to me, almost the same time. This was my 2nd time that my pwBPD broke things off with me. What can you expect is the unexpected. Course you already know this! Best advice is to keep researching the disorder and reading other people's experiences here. This has been helping me out tremendously. Knowing that I'm not alone in this journey. Talking about it has also helped me. I have someone that has also experienced a true BPD relationship, so they get it. Both break-ups for me, she was cheating on me. Mine also is an alcoholic, which these only magnifies my challenges in my road to recovery.

For me personally, I have decided to leave and not look back on the relationship. I am doing this for self-preservation. I know my value in a relationship, and more importantly self-worth. I don't/didn't deserve to be treated this way. This doesn't mean that I lost feelings for her, my head is just whacked right now. I want to reach out to her this second. It's a battle. Get yourself into therapy. That's the best advice that I can give you. You're not codependent. You're hurt, and fresh out of a breakup. You were involved in a turbulent, rollercoaster of a relationship. Don't try and accept blame for the relationship. No relationship is perfect, and I'm sure that you could have always done "something different". Again, you're human. There is no need for you to give yourself a jacket.

It's a process, and one myself that I am still processing myself. This site has helped me understand what is normal for "how/why" my thoughts are what they are in this moment. Friends or Family that haven't experienced a BPD relationship, just don't get it and I don't believe can provide you with the best advice. I believe that each and every person here has wanted to "fix" this person, but the cold reality is you can't. These cycles of volatility will continue. This is why I have accepted, and I am okay with letting her go. Just like I told mine - I would've have stood by her thru this process, but she needs to stand with me.