Sound familiar?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

First - this is a WONDERFUL community. I have spent the majority of my day reading several threads. I'm really glad that I found this..

So I'm wondering how familiar this sounds to you all...

I met this gal thru a dating app, and instant chemistry. Real or fake.. but it felt all too real. We chatted several hours at a time, finding so many commonalities/interests. We discussed so many things, and of course it felt so wonderful. I mean, most of you reading this can relate I'm sure. Seems to be a common theme here amongst you all or sites that I've read.

During this "courting" - she informed me that she was a "recovering" alcoholic.. that was celebrating 2 wks of sobriety (red flag 1), her 'twin' sister was also an alcoholic who lost her marriage/kids due to alcoholism (red flag 2). I learned that she had been married twice.. which at 47.. I thought was kind of odd, but 'excused' it.. as.. whatever (red flag 3). She also informed me that she doesn't speak to her mother, and hasn't done so in 20 years (due to a BPD diagnosis) (red flag 4). Course she mentioned that she doesn't suffer from it. Uh huh.She informed me that she takes antidepressants for sever anxiety. We spoke with such transparency it was crazy. Like nothing that I've ever experienced before. We were so in love!

About 6 months into the relationship - she starts mentioning that she wants to try and 'experiment' with having a drink. Starts making these claims about being able to handle it etc. I have never been with an alcoholic, so I really didn't know much about it. Obviously, I had always heard that once an alcoholic.. always, and they can't even a sip of it. But I didn't want to be seen 'controlling'.. so I kind of just agreed. I know 'what a dumba$$'. I did voice my concerns though, it's not like I rolled over and just agreed. We had always celebrated her receiving a coin each month of her new sobriety.

About 10 months into it.. I moved in. Ugh. Seemed like the right thing to do with how well things were going, and the plans that were being discussed at the time. Pure bliss.. again, which I'm sure you all experienced. Not one fight.. argument or disagreement. It the best thing that had happened too me. Right? We celebrated our year anniversary with a trip to the ocean. During this trip - the only place that was open for food was some small mom and pop shop that served greasy food. We both placed our orders, and the waitress asked if we wanted fries. I said yes, and she said no.. but I knew her love for fries.. so I said she'll have them too (remember this).

Our 13th month she did a complete flip on me. I mean, it was like a total 180! She brought up the time that I had ordered her fries when she said that she didn't want them. She's like you don't trust what I say... and I'm like they're just fries! Don't want them.. don't eat them. No big deal. Then I was told that I lacked compassion for humanity because I spit my gum out in the parking lot. Yes, I shouldn't have done it, but it's not a 'rational' reason to break up with someone is it? Especially no prior mentioning of this.. then the list grew to similar miniscule things. I have never seen anything like this... but being the caring BF that I was.. I took the blame for everything, and then suggested 'couples counseling'. Who needs CC after a year? Hell we should still have been in the 'honeymoon' phase under normal circumstance, right?

She tells me that she needs her space - that she wants to do what she wants to do. Told me that I called her too much. So I backed off that.. started thinking man, I screwed up.  So we take about a month and a half.. 2 month break and then get back together. I finally had started to let her go.. and dating. She found out about it, and then said that she had fallen in love with me again... wanted to get back together. So.. I bit, and called things off with the gal that I was starting to gain interest in. This go around happened in October. I was told that if I stayed the night on Friday night, that I had to leave early Saturday morning due to her needing space. Mind you she is still drinking probably 2-3 nights a week. Then November comes, and she starts really deteriorating. Depression hits. Drinking increases even more.. she's probably up to an average of 3-4 nights a week.

I forgot to mention - she's been in therapy this whole time. We always did regular 'check-in's'.. how's your head etc. There were 3 times that I know in which her therapist had asked about mania. She let that slip. Course I focused like hell on it. It validated my previous thoughts as to what was going on. Mind you she had switched her antidepressants 3-4 different times during the course of our relationship, and then added ADD to the mix too. She's a psychologist wet dream.

I finally voice my concerns about her consumption. I didn't attack or judge.. I tried to do it in the most compassionate way I could. She's a smart woman, has a masters etc.. the crazy part is that she's a HS counselor. Right? I really tried to convey my concern in a caring way, and didn't bring it up all the time. I also mentioned that I thought something was going on.. either mentally or,,? I did bring it up a few times. Well, mid December finally rolls around, and she tells me that she's done. Crazy.

We still spoke with some frequency.. made love.. did the miss you, love you's.. spent Xmas together, and then I invited her to another Airbnb for a sober weekend (didn't mention this), and she declined. Then I get a text from her on NYE (4 days later).. asking me to come over. Telling me that she's missing me.. she loves me.. I asked her, if she's been with anyone else. Wasn't expecting the answer that I got.. you guessed it. I told her that I'm out. This was all on Sunday.

So I'm looking to see if this sound familiar to any of you? What should I expect to happen next? I'm currently in therapy now. It's the same counselor that we used together. She has not formally evaluated her, but feels that she's BPD without a doubt. Sorry about such a long post.. I really wanted to make sure that I accurately described what I am experiencing now.

Anything would be much appreciated.

Regards!

[Fish1974]

First - this is a WONDERFUL community. I have spent the majority of my day reading several threads. I'm really glad that I found this..

So I'm wondering how familiar this sounds to you all...

I met this gal thru a dating app, and instant chemistry. Real or fake.. but it felt all too real. We chatted several hours at a time, finding so many commonalities/interests. We discussed so many things, and of course it felt so wonderful. I mean, most of you reading this can relate I'm sure. Seems to be a common theme here amongst you all or sites that I've read.

During this "courting" - she informed me that she was a "recovering" alcoholic.. that was celebrating 2 wks of sobriety (red flag 1), her 'twin' sister was also an alcoholic who lost her marriage/kids due to alcoholism (red flag 2). I learned that she had been married twice.. which at 47.. I thought was kind of odd, but 'excused' it.. as.. whatever (red flag 3). She also informed me that she doesn't speak to her mother, and hasn't done so in 20 years (due to a BPD diagnosis) (red flag 4). Course she mentioned that she doesn't suffer from it. Uh huh.She informed me that she takes antidepressants for sever anxiety. We spoke with such transparency it was crazy. Like nothing that I've ever experienced before. We were so in love!

About 6 months into the relationship - she starts mentioning that she wants to try and 'experiment' with having a drink. Starts making these claims about being able to handle it etc. I have never been with an alcoholic, so I really didn't know much about it. Obviously, I had always heard that once an alcoholic.. always, and they can't even a sip of it. But I didn't want to be seen 'controlling'.. so I kind of just agreed. I know 'what a dumba$$'. I did voice my concerns though, it's not like I rolled over and just agreed. We had always celebrated her receiving a coin each month of her new sobriety.

About 10 months into it.. I moved in. Ugh. Seemed like the right thing to do with how well things were going, and the plans that were being discussed at the time. Pure bliss.. again, which I'm sure you all experienced. Not one fight.. argument or disagreement. It the best thing that had happened too me. Right? We celebrated our year anniversary with a trip to the ocean. During this trip - the only place that was open for food was some small mom and pop shop that served greasy food. We both placed our orders, and the waitress asked if we wanted fries. I said yes, and she said no.. but I knew her love for fries.. so I said she'll have them too (remember this).

Our 13th month she did a complete flip on me. I mean, it was like a total 180! She brought up the time that I had ordered her fries when she said that she didn't want them. She's like you don't trust what I say... and I'm like they're just fries! Don't want them.. don't eat them. No big deal. Then I was told that I lacked compassion for humanity because I spit my gum out in the parking lot. Yes, I shouldn't have done it, but it's not a 'rational' reason to break up with someone is it? Especially no prior mentioning of this.. then the list grew to similar miniscule things. I have never seen anything like this... but being the caring BF that I was.. I took the blame for everything, and then suggested 'couples counseling'. Who needs CC after a year? Hell we should still have been in the 'honeymoon' phase under normal circumstance, right?

She tells me that she needs her space - that she wants to do what she wants to do. Told me that I called her too much. So I backed off that.. started thinking man, I screwed up.  So we take about a month and a half.. 2 month break and then get back together. I finally had started to let her go.. and dating. She found out about it, and then said that she had fallen in love with me again... wanted to get back together. So.. I bit, and called things off with the gal that I was starting to gain interest in. This go around happened in October. I was told that if I stayed the night on Friday night, that I had to leave early Saturday morning due to her needing space. Mind you she is still drinking probably 2-3 nights a week. Then November comes, and she starts really deteriorating. Depression hits. Drinking increases even more.. she's probably up to an average of 3-4 nights a week.

I forgot to mention - she's been in therapy this whole time. We always did regular 'check-in's'.. how's your head etc. There were 3 times that I know in which her therapist had asked about mania. She let that slip. Course I focused like hell on it. It validated my previous thoughts as to what was going on. Mind you she had switched her antidepressants 3-4 different times during the course of our relationship, and then added ADD to the mix too. She's a psychologist wet dream.

I finally voice my concerns about her consumption. I didn't attack or judge.. I tried to do it in the most compassionate way I could. She's a smart woman, has a masters etc.. the crazy part is that she's a HS counselor. Right? I really tried to convey my concern in a caring way, and didn't bring it up all the time. I also mentioned that I thought something was going on.. either mentally or,,? I did bring it up a few times. Well, mid December finally rolls around, and she tells me that she's done. Crazy.

We still spoke with some frequency.. made love.. did the miss you, love you's.. spent Xmas together, and then I invited her to another Airbnb for a sober weekend (didn't mention this), and she declined. Then I get a text from her on NYE (4 days later).. asking me to come over. Telling me that she's missing me.. she loves me.. I asked her, if she's been with anyone else. Wasn't expecting the answer that I got.. you guessed it. I told her that I'm out. This was all on Sunday.

So I'm looking to see if this sound familiar to any of you? What should I expect to happen next? I'm currently in therapy now. It's the same counselor that we used together. She has not formally evaluated her, but feels that she's BPD without a doubt. Sorry about such a long post.. I really wanted to make sure that I accurately described what I am experiencing now.

Anything would be much appreciated.

Regards!

[SaltyDawg]

I met this gal thru a dating app, and instant chemistry. Real or fake.. but it felt all too real. We chatted several hours at a time, finding so many commonalities/interests. We discussed so many things, and of course it felt so wonderful. I mean, most of you reading this can relate I'm sure. Seems to be a common theme here amongst you all or sites that I've read.
Yup, she had me in her bed on the first official date.  It felt real, but I was young, dumb, and full of c-m.  Had no clue or even heard of BPD.  I knew it was too fast, too good, and couldn't be true...  well I followed my d**k and not my gut.  So, here I am lamenting with you, since the woman I fell in love with was not a real woman even though it appeared that way.


So I'm looking to see if this sound familiar to any of you? What should I expect to happen next? I'm currently in therapy now. It's the same counselor that we used together. She has not formally evaluated her, but feels that she's BPD without a doubt. Sorry about such a long post.. I really wanted to make sure that I accurately described what I am experiencing now.

Yes, it sounds familiar, but not the french fry part.  The cycles will become faster and faster [love bomb --> devalue --> discard --> recycle].  If you like the roller coaster of insanity with a push-pull trauma bond, then stay, if not, then go.

If you are not married, have no children with her, and no joint property - strongly consider your role in staying in this relationship.  I cannot tell you to stay or go, that is up to you.  However, if I had to do it over again, and if I were in your shoes, I would not be staying.  I didn't figure this out until many years after I had gotten married [got worse], and had children [got really bad, and stayed bad]. 

[Fish1974]

Thank you - I really appreciate the response. I was married to an alcoholic who had a daughter who suffered from BP1/Skitso.. so, I know what it's like to be with someone who suffers. It's definitely.. no picnic.

Yeah, I'm out... I know that I am in the grieving/dealing with process now. Wanting to understand, blah blah blah. This site and these stories we're all here sharing with one another is helping me mentally. Tremendously.

[Fish1974]

Out of curiosity, does your or did your pwBPD have tendencies to sleep a lot? There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of supporting data out there that really talks about this.. so, I thought I'd go to the source(s).. Come to me my jungle friends..

Additional question - Anyone thought their undiagnosed person suffered from Histrionic Personality Disorder. Some real similarities.

[SaltyDawg]

Out of curiosity, does your or did your pwBPD have tendencies to sleep a lot?

My pwBPD, sleeps 7-8 hours per night.  Occasionally more, if she isn't feeling well, but not habitually.  I sleep +/- 6 hours.



Additional question - Anyone thought their undiagnosed person suffered from Histrionic Personality Disorder. Some real similarities.

Several of the symptoms are similar between HPD and BPD; however, the traits are not [more narcissistic in nature than borderline].  You need to look at both symptoms and traits for a correlation.  In my case it is a 'no' as my pwBPD is not a pwNPD nor a pwHPD.

However, people often have comorbidities [co-existing] mental health issues.  My pwBPD [cluster B] (moderate traditional) also is likely a pwOCPD [cluster C]. 

[Fish1974]

Thanks Salty.. appreciate it.

When I met with my therapist yesterday, she had brought this up as well. Again, she was our "couple's counselor", so she got to see my pwBPD  in the flesh  .. trying to add a little humor here to keep my sanity. Anyway, last night.. she mentioned that she picked up a little on it, but said she's definitely suffering from BPD.

Understanding these disorders is so fascinating. Unfortunately, this is my second go around with dealing with someone suffering. My former stepdaughter was BP1/skitso.. passed away earlier this year from an OD.

Just sad for those suffering, and us loved ones in their wake.

[BPDEnjoyer]

During her time needing space. She was grooming new supplies and sleep with them. I’m surprised she was so opened to tell you about her sleeping with other males. My ex would not talk about it when I asked. 

After your 1 year anniversary, did she just flipped a 180 out of nowhere?

[SaltyDawg]

I previously said,

However, people often have comorbidities [co-existing] mental health issues.  My pwBPD [cluster B] (moderate traditional) also is likely a pwOCPD [cluster C].

I came across a very technical article that you may find interesting regarding probabilities of comorbidities of BPD can be found at https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5494904/

For my particular case 32% of BPD have OCPD features.  Hopefully this article will give you some additional insight in understanding these disorders.

When I met with my therapist yesterday, she had brought this up as well. Again, she was our "couple's counselor", so she got to see my pwBPD  in the flesh  .. trying to add a little humor here to keep my sanity. Anyway, last night.. she mentioned that she picked up a little on it, but said she's definitely suffering from BPD.

Understanding these disorders is so fascinating. Unfortunately, this is my second go around with dealing with someone suffering. My former stepdaughter was BP1/skitso.. passed away earlier this year from an OD.

Just sad for those suffering, and us loved ones in their wake.

I agree, my personal T, sees more and more traits as I talk more and more about the nuances and how it affects me.  It is truly a "Mind F**K!" in the worst possible way.  One must have a sense of humor, unfortunately my sense of humour relates to the darker traits of the borderline and is more dark and morbid in nature.

I am sorry for the loss of your SD, substance abuse self-harm is another very very dark comorbidity of mental health issues.  I agree it is very sad for those suffering - unfortunately I am a 'caretaker' type, and have too much compassion to abandon them, even though they do that to us.

Take care of yourself first, so you can care of those you love.