Con Games

[Couscous]

After reading the Karpman's list of common swindles (see excerpt of his book below), I thought of one to add to the list:

The "If You Self-Sacrifice For Us For Long Enough, We Will Eventually Reward You With Unconditional Love and Acceptance Triangle."
And then my parents died and I found out I had been disinherited.

I think this "con" is what sets narcissistic family systems apart from alcoholic and other kids of dysfunctional families. It's a very hard truth to have to accept.

https://www.karpmandramatriangle.com/

[Notwendy]

Looks like an interesting read. All the ways to con someone!




I think Karpman bases his theories on transactional analysis. My mother read the transactional analysis book "Games People Play"  and after that, she identified everything in context of that book. Almost every conversation was "you are playing _____insert name of game__________ or about someone else " they are playing the _________game and somehow that discounted what the person said or did.

She talked about that book constantly.

She didn't seem to "see" herself in any of the games.

[Couscous]

So she plays the game of Transactional Analysis, which is one of the games mentioned in the book, Games People Play. 

[Notwendy]

haha, I didn't read the book, but she seemed to be constantly analyzing people using it.

[Couscous]

What stands out to me is that he says there are no happy endings to the con games. How much more so if the con is perpetrated by one's parents. I personally am not going to hold out hope that my parents are going to turn to the Light Side of the force before they pass on, like Darth Vader did. My guess is that my parents would willingly throw me down the reactor shaft if they had to.

I think we all must give ourselves a whole lot of compassion for what we have endured, because we really, really deserve it. We were betrayed. It takes time to heal from that and we have to be very patient with ourselves.

 

[Notwendy]

What stands out to me is that he says there are no happy endings to the con games. How much more so if the con is perpetrated by one's parents. I personally am not going to hold out hope that my parents are going to turn to the Light Side of the force before they pass on, like Darth Vader did. My guess is that my parents would willingly throw me down the reactor shaft if they had to.

I think we all must give ourselves a whole lot of compassion for what we have endured, because we really, really deserve it. We were betrayed. It takes time to heal from that and we have to be very patient with ourselves.

 

I agree with not expecting them to change. Your example of the "If You Self-Sacrifice For Us For Long Enough, We Will Eventually Reward You With Unconditional Love and Acceptance Triangle." would also apply to my family. Only no amount of effort on my part seemed to be satisfactory to them. I am not sure it's a deliberate con on their part. I think it's more about BPD being an infinite deficit in something. Its like the emotional need is so big, nothing can begin to fill it.

When I think of the con games, I think of those situations where middle age women are being cat fished by 30 something men and feel sad for them as they believe this young man, who they never met because he always has some excuse ( and always needs money) is madly in love with them and if they only send him $10K they can be together.

For my parents' situation, I see their actions more out of the chaos and stress they are in themselves. They are acting out of a different emotional state.

[Methuen]

Its like the emotional need is so big, nothing can begin to fill it.

This

[Couscous]

I am not sure it's a deliberate con on their part.

Oh yeah, it’s not conscious. I see it as a natural consequence of the inverted parent-child relationship (parentification). It’s as if they got their wires crossed and they view us as an attachment figure. I think this also explains their sense of entitlement.

But really the worst part of all of this is that parentification is a binding mechanism keeping us tied to our FOO.

I wish I could get ahold of the full article of this abstract in order to understand this better. My guess is it’s because we know instinctively that we will be cut off from our FOO and shamed by them if we try to stop parenting our parents.

Bowlby describes premature parental behaviour in children when discussing the inversion of parent-child relationships. Pathological parental behaviour in children is viewed as basically elicited by the weak, infantile aspects of parents. Premature parental behaviour is viewed as one of several binding mechanisms which may keep a child tied to his/her family of origin.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/4092019/

[Notwendy]

My guess is it’s because we know instinctively that we will be cut off from our FOO and shamed by them if we try to stop parenting our parents.

Yes, I think we have to be prepared to be shunned for not doing this.

[Couscous]

My guess is it’s because we know instinctively that we will be cut off from our FOO and shamed by them if we try to stop parenting our parents.

Yes, I think we have to be prepared to be shunned for not doing this.

Well, if they do, it won't kill us even if it feels that way. I am living proof of this. 

[Methuen]

Bowlby describes premature parental behaviour in children when discussing the inversion of parent-child relationships. Pathological parental behaviour in children is viewed as basically elicited by the weak, infantile aspects of parents. Premature parental behaviour is viewed as one of several binding mechanisms which may keep a child tied to his/her family of origin.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/4092019/

Could you try through a public library?  Where I live, one can access almost anything through the library.  It's fantastic.

Just a shot in the dark.

[Couscous]

I think in the US you can only access scholarly articles through a university, but I could investigate that further.