Feeling stuck

[tryingtogetbette]

Hi, been married over 20 years with a wife who I'm convinced has BPD. She was never diagnosed because she refuses to seek any outside help. I am in treatment for my own issues like OCD and Anxiety. Living with a BPD partner has been extremely difficult on my mental health and health in general. I feel like my OCD is worse due to the constant stress and tense environment that my home life has become. I honestly feel anxious anytime I'm around her because ANYTHING can be a trigger to set her off on a complete breakdown. I always feel like I'm scrutinized and don't feel comfortable being at home most times. Anytime she is upset, I'm treated as of I did something so horrific where I need to be screamed at and "corrected". Arguments happen at any time, and by arguments I mean her yelling at me and me trying to keep my composure and stay calm. But the strange thing is the more I try to be calm, she gets more irate and things escalate and then she accused me of being dead on the inside just because I'm trying to be calm. She always wants me to match her level of intensity to show how "remorseful" I am. Anything less is a "reflection of how I don't care", when in reality I'm just trying to stay calm. I feel stuck and in need of help. How do those of you married to a spouse with BPD deal with it and not give into the constant guilt tripping, screaming etc?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SaltyDawg]

Welcome to the [BPD] family.

Started dating my uBPDw 22 years ago.  Married for 19-3/4 years.

You can click on my name and drill down on previous posts to see my story.

How do those of you married to a spouse with BPD deal with it and not give into the constant guilt tripping, screaming etc?

I have been rebuilding 'a strong sense of self,' and tell her point blank, that is not how it happened when I am being gaslit by her when she is in a splitting me black mode [projection / transference of her negative issues on to me] using "I" pronouns, "I do not recall it happening that way, I recall it happened this way" without directly accusing her of doing it.  Sometimes this works, other times it will still trigger her into a rage. 

I just figured this out, if you let her walk all over you, she will not respect you, if you treat her too harshly, she will not respect you.  You need to set a firm boundary, that you will not accept abuse, including gaslighting, and maintain that boundary with consequences if she violates that boundary.  Currently I am using our couple's therapist to do this; however, my goal is to do it myself.

Uncontrolled, irrational screaming 0-100% in under a second = borderline rage.  Maintain the boundary by staying calm and cool, telling them "if they don't stop, you will leave the room/house/etc."   Then leave [unless they stop, highly unlikely].  If they follow you, do not engage - use stonewalling - or the 'do not JADE' [Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain] tool. 

Revisit the issue once they have returned to baseline, repeat if necessary.