Welcome to the [BPD] family.
Started dating my uBPDw 22 years ago. Married for 19-3/4 years.
You can click on my name and drill down on previous posts to see my story.
How do those of you married to a spouse with BPD deal with it and not give into the constant guilt tripping, screaming etc?
I have been rebuilding 'a strong sense of self,' and tell her point blank, that is not how it happened when I am being gaslit by her when she is in a splitting me black mode [projection / transference of her negative issues on to me] using "I" pronouns, "I do not recall it happening that way, I recall it happened this way" without directly accusing her of doing it. Sometimes this works, other times it will still trigger her into a rage.
I just figured this out, if you let her walk all over you, she will not respect you, if you treat her too harshly, she will not respect you. You need to set a firm boundary, that you will not accept abuse, including gaslighting, and maintain that boundary with consequences if she violates that boundary. Currently I am using our couple's therapist to do this; however, my goal is to do it myself.
Uncontrolled, irrational screaming 0-100% in under a second = borderline rage. Maintain the boundary by staying calm and cool, telling them "if they don't stop, you will leave the room/house/etc." Then leave [unless they stop, highly unlikely]. If they follow you, do not engage - use stonewalling - or the 'do not JADE' [Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain] tool.
Revisit the issue once they have returned to baseline, repeat if necessary.