Anyone else feel kind of worthless/degraded by all the manipulations?

[NarcsEverywhere]

I've been dealing with a lot of people who manipulated me in many ways, some had BPD, some not. And it just causes me to feel so low and degraded, and ugly. It's like, all their love was a big fat lie, and they were just screwing me over for themselves. It pisses me off, and disgusts me to be honest.

[Rev]

That's what the worst of these relationships will do to your nervous system.

Believe it or not, if you are in contact with your disgust, that's a healthy sign. Disgust is a core emotion designed to keep you safe. While you are not going to want to stay there, it provides the foundation to move towards something healthier in your relationships?

What would a healthy relationship look like for you, do you think?

Rev

[NarcsEverywhere]

Well, I'm glad that's healthy, I've had so many unhealthy mind states lately, like paranoia and pure hatred, and all the ego that comes with that, and it really hindered my healing I think. Well, I think, you know, I've never really had a long lasting healthy relationship/friendship. I've had some rewarding ones, but they haven't been the most healthy per say.

To me, it's just like, two people that care about each other, and try to work things out, because they care about each other, in an honest way. That's hard to pull off, but those two intentions are the most important aspects of a healthy relationship. If people don't care, or they aren't honestly constructive about making it work, then I don't think you can have a healthy one. But I think that'd look different based on different people, and different contexts.

I've gotten along well with others, but it's not the same, because normally, I'm the giver and they're the taker, and if I go through hard ship, then I'm all on my own.

[Rev]

I've gotten along well with others, but it's not the same, because normally, I'm the giver and they're the taker, and if I go through hard ship, then I'm all on my own.

And moving forward - what might be the signs in you that would make you feel as if this pattern has been broken? 

The rest of what you wrote is bang on, at least in my opinion. So if we form a committee of two, we have 100% agreement.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[NarcsEverywhere]

I mean, it's really more about finding balance in my relationships. If they can't give much, I can only give them so much, not invest so much into one person.

If they can reciprocate more, then I'll be able to give more. But I guess I'm scared of the intimacy that affords, I guess I'm scared of falling hard for someone, because I know how being close to people and losing them hurts, and if it did so much good for me, then It'd break my heart even more. (although I do that with animals already, but it is different)

Also, I think it's all so foreign to me, I think most of my friendships/relationships have been with emotionally unavailable people. My childhood didn't give me any good examples of it. So it'll take a lot of force to break the habit. I guess I need to ease into these things more, build trust slowly for once, build connections slowly. I can be authentic and vulnerable, but I'm always scared to get too close to people, because it's a big step, that has a lot of risk to it.

Thanks Rev, I will hang in there!

[Rev]

I mean, it's really more about finding balance in my relationships. If they can't give much, I can only give them so much, not invest so much into one person.

If they can reciprocate more, then I'll be able to give more. But I guess I'm scared of the intimacy that affords, I guess I'm scared of falling hard for someone, because I know how being close to people and losing them hurts, and if it did so much good for me, then It'd break my heart even more. (although I do that with animals already, but it is different)

Also, I think it's all so foreign to me, I think most of my friendships/relationships have been with emotionally unavailable people. My childhood didn't give me any good examples of it. So it'll take a lot of force to break the habit. I guess I need to ease into these things more, build trust slowly for once, build connections slowly. I can be authentic and vulnerable, but I'm always scared to get too close to people, because it's a big step, that has a lot of risk to it.

Thanks Rev, I will hang in there!

https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep/dp/1585429139

Super book. Recommended to me by one of the top clinical psychologists in the city I live.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Thanks Rev, I'll look into it.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I feel so frustrated today, I feel like there's this garble of emotions. I feel so much anger, at all the dishonesty from the people in my life. I feel so angry that I've been screwed with so much. I feel angry that people would mess with my head and heart this much just for their own gain, and abandon me when I need help, or invalidate me. And especially love bomb me and pander to me, or target my vulnerabilities, just to control me.

I just feel so alone, and tired, I feel ashamed, and I don't know why. I guess because I feel so unaccepted, because I am so isolated. It's so hard to validate myself, when I mostly feel a garble of feelings, and then struggle to live life. I feel tired, so tired, tired of the pain, tired of trying to navigate this well. But I deserve to heal and I don't want to give up on myself, so I'm going to keep trying.

This morning, I gave too much again and didn't focus on myself enough, until I felt like I was going to pop, I've normally gotten wiser to doing that, I guess I wasn't very kind to myself, I'm being kind to myself tonight though, and focusing on my needs. I need to vent somewhere, because my journal feels especially lonely tonight.

I feel so sad that I had to cut so many people out of my life and pull back from my Dad, simply because the dysfunction was too high to do otherwise. It's so much to pile on a person, but staying in abusive, or highly dysfunctional relationships is never going to work. I feel so used by these people, because they were so self centered, and would abandon me so often when I needed them, even though often, I'd do the opposite. I never expected parity, but at least acknowledging me more, would have been nice.

I just feel so alone and used, and it's hard to hear so much silence, except for my own mind, and my journal. It's hard to have no one to connect to, in my pain, because pain is mostly what I have. I do have my counselor, and I think I'm going to e-mail my sister after this, because she has been supportive. I do trust this place more than a lot of places. I trust my sister, and counselor, but it's pretty damned scary to trust, when you've been burned so much. I hate feeling forced into reaching out to people, especially because my own pain, because stuff like that is what got me into this mess.

The pain of losing my mom, led me to the neighbor lady, the pain of having my friend commit suicide, led me to my friends mom, the pain of having my friends mom ghost me, led me to another girl online. I didn't just jump from person to person, I tried to deal with the pain along the way, but the truth is, despite all my skills, I guess I'm not quite as independent as I thought. Because, god dammit, I need help right now, and I deserve it. I've helped a lot of people, why can't I get some?

I appreciate everyone who has responded, especially the mods here, who have been tolerant, of what feels like my insanity. And also, who have been the most responsive. I don't have it in me to read books right now, I know they'll be good for me eventually. It's hard to focus, and I'm tired.

Life is really hard sometimes, but if we are resourceful, and learn, it will make us stronger. So I know, this is so hard, because it will make me stronger than I've ever been. I know this pain won't last forever. But when the pain is deep, and the days feel so hard. It's a small comfort. So here, I am, letting it all out, and I know there's courage in it, but I don't want to do it. I want to be alone, even though, I feel lonely, I want to hide my pain, so no one can hurt me. But I'm doing this anyways, because it's what I need.