The Rollercoaster of healing

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It’s been four months since we separated and two months of NC. Why is it so hard to accept she is BPD…. We were together for a blissful six months and then BAM chaos, pushing me away, avoiding, not giving me any explanation for a very hurtful illogical decision she made, and so I broke up with her. It’s so hard to have the relationship part so amazing and then she is gone.. She was so good at communicating in those months. It was only this major switch at the very end that I saw the anger, rage, avoidance. The six months it was either the confident hot woman or the scared regression of a little kid which was so heartbreaking. Obviously a red flag but I already loved her and was committed.  She would apologize intensely and then come back the next day and explain what was going on with her and have insight. I never dreamed she just wouldn’t come back this last conflict. We are in our 40s and I thought she was my true partner. I was her soulmate, the person who she had never known love and care until me. Gone. I broke up with her because she would not have a conflict resolution conversation with me and to this day I regret breaking up with her. All the what ifs and I should have given her more time and I lost the love of my life. The hardest grief and break up ever. No closure. She pretended she was great so I just gave up in Oct trying to talk to her. It was to heartbreaking and it was destroying me. I know rationally it would have been bad. I could feel it so deeply in my being to get out when I saw that sweet person turn to rage. A rage so much more than anger of previous partners.   I just have so much trouble integrating the emotional love with rational understanding she is sick and traumatized and most likly has BPD. And she wasn’t actually the healthy life partner. But my brain tells me how do you know you broke up to early and the. I have no examples except the end.
I have never felt so damaged from a breakup. No closure. All I want is to talk to her and have my friend back. But I’m not contacting her because I am afraid of feeling destroyed and to fragile at this point. Thanks for reading. 

[Torimagic]

It’s been four months since we separated and two months of NC. Why is it so hard to accept she is BPD…. We were together for a blissful six months and then BAM chaos, pushing me away, avoiding, not giving me any explanation for a very hurtful illogical decision she made, and so I broke up with her. It’s so hard to have the relationship part so amazing and then she is gone.. She was so good at communicating in those months. It was only this major switch at the very end that I saw the anger, rage, avoidance. The six months it was either the confident hot woman or the scared regression of a little kid which was so heartbreaking. Obviously a red flag but I already loved her and was committed.  She would apologize intensely and then come back the next day and explain what was going on with her and have insight. I never dreamed she just wouldn’t come back this last conflict. We are in our 40s and I thought she was my true partner. I was her soulmate, the person who she had never known love and care until me. Gone. I broke up with her because she would not have a conflict resolution conversation with me and to this day I regret breaking up with her. All the what ifs and I should have given her more time and I lost the love of my life. The hardest grief and break up ever. No closure. She pretended she was great so I just gave up in Oct trying to talk to her. It was to heartbreaking and it was destroying me. I know rationally it would have been bad. I could feel it so deeply in my being to get out when I saw that sweet person turn to rage. A rage so much more than anger of previous partners.   I just have so much trouble integrating the emotional love with rational understanding she is sick and traumatized and most likly has BPD. And she wasn’t actually the healthy life partner. But my brain tells me how do you know you broke up to early and the. I have no examples except the end.
I have never felt so damaged from a breakup. No closure. All I want is to talk to her and have my friend back. But I’m not contacting her because I am afraid of feeling destroyed and to fragile at this point. Thanks for reading. 

[Rev]

Hello Torimagic,

That's a really great question - because it can come as a shock, right?  

There's two parts to that answer.  One lies in your own attachment style. And that's something to think about with a Therapist.

The other part lies in the general effect these relationships have on us - and it's this. They impact our nervous systems. They can be as addictive as internet use and gambling. A person can get hooked in a matter of months. I know I was.

It can be humbling to hear this. I think that there is a tendency for us who have been hooked to think that we should be stronger somehow, and that these "cravings" are a kind of "weakness".  What do you think?

In the mean time, if you keep at it, eventually the cravings for her will lessen.

Not fun but there is really no other choice.  

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Torimagic]

Thanks for the reply! Yes, the intensity of the experiences and all the travel we did in the beginning set a high high bar. All the bliss , and yes her intense attention was addicting. Right now I also feel addicted to the mystery of it all. Still trying to figure out her and the whys which is where the acceptance of BPD and trauma comes into play. It’s all irrational and doesn’t make sense because that is the disorder. I just wish I knew her more and what her pattern is. I will see her in the spring for a group trip already planned before I met her. She will be with her friends and I have my group but I’ll still be seeing her regularly to travel international which yes will be a huge shock on my nervous system. I am holding out on contact to try and give as much healing until then. Thanks!

[once removed]

think of it this way:

the goal isnt to accept she has bpd.

the goal is to accept the relationship is over, and to grieve it.

bpd or not...

you were together for a blissful 6 months and then BAM chaos. considerable, frequent chaos.

except, in your own words, it wasnt six blissful months. the signs of relationship instability were there.

sometimes, relationships end at the first sign of it. usually, within the first three months.

sometimes they hang on for months, or years.

and those months, or years, tend to make the fall out from the breakup a lot harder. it sucks, man. and it would probably suck, a lot, if the relationship had only lasted one month.

but at the end of the day, youre idealizing a time that, in your own words, was dysfunctional and fraught. ultimately, whether it took five months, or five years, you determined that this relationship wasnt salvageable.

you werent wrong in your assessment. but it doesnt make the fallout of it any easier.

but i dont think leaning into bpd is going to resolve that grief, although it can guide it. recognizing that it was a dead end relationship where you had to make a hard decision, is.

youll get there, though. theres no easy way through this or any grief.

[Rev]

but i dont think leaning into bpd is going to resolve that grief, although it can guide it. recognizing that it was a dead end relationship where you had to make a hard decision, is.

youll get there, though. theres no easy way through this or any grief.

I'd like to echo this.  In the recognition, you will begin to find the closure we all need.  And my experience, personally and from what I now hear from others, is that closure will like be in large measure what you decide it needs to look like, in your own mind.  BPD will guide you to understand why you made that decision. Healing will come, in part, in accepting that you had to make it. Closure comes when you exhaust the "if only" questions.  At least that's the way I experienced it. What do you think?

Hang in there.

Rev

[Torimagic]

Thank you for taking the time to reply! I went back to social media after a 3 month break, and did look at her page. Her page is now set to private, but she didn’t unfriend. Our last exchange in Nov was nice,  and I successfully stayed NC for two months. I did break it a couple of days ago and she ignored my message. So yes for my own reality check this is her dysfunction. Absolutely nothing happened to instigate her changing her settings except whatever she created in her mind. And that is how the relationship would have gone. It is incredibly hurtful but I am resisting the urge to write again because I know she isn’t able to give me what I need. You are correct Rev that I have to create my own closure. It’s heartbreaking. This Bx is so illogical and unnecessary but that is BPD. . I thought we were on a healing path to be nice and just had a whiplash into reality.

[Rev]

Thank you for taking the time to reply! I went back to social media after a 3 month break, and did look at her page. Her page is now set to private, but she didn’t unfriend. Our last exchange in Nov was nice,  and I successfully stayed NC for two months. I did break it a couple of days ago and she ignored my message. So yes for my own reality check this is her dysfunction. Absolutely nothing happened to instigate her changing her settings except whatever she created in her mind. And that is how the relationship would have gone. It is incredibly hurtful but I am resisting the urge to write again because I know she isn’t able to give me what I need. You are correct Rev that I have to create my own closure. It’s heartbreaking. This Bx is so illogical and unnecessary but that is BPD. . I thought we were on a healing path to be nice and just had a whiplash into reality.

Sorry to hear you had "one of those" episodes. Totally normal. Keeping with the "cravings" analogy - lest you see this as a failure in any way - there's a saying in addictions:  "Relapse is Recovery" - we all need to test ourselves along the path to see if the healing is taking root.

Hang in there, you'll get to where you need to. It takes time AND it can be done.   

Reach out any time. One day you'll pay your experience forward to the next person who finds themselves on this rollercoaster.

Rev

[Torimagic]

Thank you!