New here

[Camper445]

As stated, I am new here. This is strange for me to open up on here, but I'm in therapy and my therapist suggested I give this a try, so here goes!
I just recently learned about BPD and I believe my mom has this. Everything I have read feels like someone is describing my mom. It is validating to know it wasn't all in my head, but it is also sad for me to learn this.
I have recently had to disconnect from my extended family because I cannot take the abuse anymore. I feel very isolated and alone now, but for my immediate family and self, I just can't communicate with my mom anymore or other family members who are enabling her abusive behavior.
My mom has always made me feel bad about myself anytime I was angry, especially with her. She would say, "your poor mother" or "I'm going to be dead some day" or "maybe I'll just kill myself."
It's very painful to mention any of that, but I'm just trying to open up without venting.
Lately, I feel very lost and unsure of myself. Sometimes I wonder about whether or not I'm making the right decision by stepping away from my family.
On top of all that, I believe everything with my mom has caused a lot of anxiety from all the trauma and that is something I have to cope with/challenge those thoughts every day.
If anyone else has had similar experiences, I'd love to hear from you. Thank you for reading.

[yellowbutterfly]

hi 

This is a great place to heal!

You'll find so many people with similar experiences to yours. Welcome

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Camper445, 

Welcome! How well I remember those first tentative put-your-toe-in-the-water steps here at BPBFamily.  There's a lot to process just by making your first post. Take your time, read the posts, step away when you need to, and write when you have thoughts you'd like to process with us. We are here to support you.

Yes, so get it. My mom was also an uBPD (undiagnosed BPD). I can still remember vividly when I first read about BPD in a pathophysiology class I was taking when I was 46 years old. The description was just a couple of sentences long, and I thought, "I finally think I have an answer to wondering what describes my mom."

At the moment you've mentioned how you've had to disconnect.

I feel very isolated and alone now, but for my immediate family and self, I just can't communicate with my mom anymore or other family members who are enabling her abusive behavior.

Many here have had to do this as well. You're not alone. When you first take that step, just know that it feels isolating because it is isolating. You've always had the foundation under you that has been dysfunctionally firm. Even though it's not been healthy, it's all you've known so that has been your norm.  It takes time to get your new foundation built and something that you are comfortable to stand on. It takes a lot of courage to step away from the abuse. Kudos to you! 

Write as you can.

 
Wools

[Mommydoc]

Welcome!
I am so glad you found this forum. Part of your journey will be learning about BPD and tools (I encourage you visit the resource section) to deal with pwBPD. For me the bigger part of the journey was “unlearning” how I had previously dealt/interacted with my sister wBPD. At first, I honestly just read other stories and it was amazing how much I could relate. It really helps create a sense of common humanity in this unique community, and a sense that we really are not alone. Congratulations on your first post! It’s a huge step forward. I felt exactly the same way my first time.  It gets easier.

It's very painful to mention any of that, but I'm just trying to open up without venting. Lately, I feel very lost and unsure of myself. Sometimes I wonder about whether or not I'm making the right decision by stepping away from my family

One of the things we share in common here, is often many years of allowing a family member makes us feel bad about ourselves, taking their words at face value and believing the things they say to us.  It is damaging, and I am so sorry you have experienced this.  It can feel very lonely, when we allow our selves to  step away and realize that their words reflect their inner turmoil, insecurity and sense of inadequacy that they are projecting on us. Because it is very unfamiliar territory.  None of us are perfect,  but beginning to examine ourselves with a different lens,  and letting go of their projections on us is a step towards healing.   You are not alone.  I hope you will find comfort here and will continue to share.