Going NC Is the Best Thing I Ever Did for My Life

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Like the title says, 13 years so far.  For the first time, the past 5 years (and especially last couple years) Im actually enjoying my birthday. And holidays.  I have fun!  The societal guilt really erodes over time too, and I feel like I have so much better balance and talking points. 

Nowadays I just tell people "Im an orphan" and leave it at that.  Years of therapy have given me much better boundaries and I dont let people pry.  I disclose on my terms, not theirs

The emotional rollercoaster of BPD unmother is no longer controlling me, and it's been a rebuilding process since.  Im really proud of the progress Ive made.  Just wanted to share my mini success to inspire hope for some folks here I hope

[Greg]

Like the title says, 13 years so far.  For the first time, the past 5 years (and especially last couple years) Im actually enjoying my birthday. And holidays.  I have fun!  The societal guilt really erodes over time too, and I feel like I have so much better balance and talking points. 

Nowadays I just tell people "Im an orphan" and leave it at that.  Years of therapy have given me much better boundaries and I dont let people pry.  I disclose on my terms, not theirs

The emotional rollercoaster of BPD unmother is no longer controlling me, and it's been a rebuilding process since.  Im really proud of the progress Ive made.  Just wanted to share my mini success to inspire hope for some folks here I hope

[SaltyDawg]

Re:  NC opinion, thank you for sharing.  I saw your similar post in another thread too.

Do you have any regrets on going NC?  If so, what are they?

I am asking, if my relationship goes south, I am weighing the pluses and minuses of it. 

[Notwendy]

I think this is like the stay or leave decision. These relationships have similarities but people have different circumstances and what is the right decision for one person isn't the right one for another.

If someone can make the decision to go NC, or LC or in the situation of another type of relationship- stay or leave, I think it's still possible to have some regret for either decisio and still weigh the pros and cons and choose.

NC with my BPD mother was actually suggested to me by a counselor, and I tried it. But I didn't want to go NC with my father and they were a package deal so it didn't work.

Eventually I had to have some boundaries and went LC. I don't regret making that choice when looking at the sum of the decision as it was the best one for me at the time, but it came with the loss of the relationship with my father who got angry at me for having boundaries with my mother.  I did not want that but BPD mother was beginning to enlist my own children as her emotional caretakers and for her own attentional needs and I would not allow her to do that to my children.

I didn't feel OK with going NC with my mother. I think we need to make the decision that we can manage.

I think in the case of a romantic relationship- if there are children involved, it would likely be impossible to choose NC, when the children are underage and difficult when they are older too. They might get married- how to invite only one parent? How could there be any family event with both parents? If anything, NC would make it very difficult for the grown children. They should not have to be in a position to choose which parent to invite.

However, it is a choice for the grown children. However, if both parents are still together, it isn't easy for them to be NC with one of them. They'd have to be NC with both of them if they choose that.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi Greg !  

Always nice to hear positive outcomes for such a hard decision to make. I am one year "no contact" now, " " because it's been broken on and off by her emailing me and my grandmother's passing
 And by me answering I wasn't ready to see her yet but wished her well. And I did feel this way at the time.

I still struggle with guilt at times. Other times I mostly miss and wonder about my stepfather. I can't help but think the last time I saw him was the last time I would see him. And while I still stand by my decision, it still pains me when I think about the man. He taught me to drive, always was there when I needed help. I know he always loved me as his real daughter, never had any children himself...so anyway !

When I feel guilt, I try to remind myself part of him would be happy for me, to hear how peaceful and happy I have become away from BPD mother. I have discovered myself this past year. I do hope one day I can see them/her without being triggered back to this dark hole. And maybe I will...for now though, I feel I have to protect my children from my mother's emotional clingyness and manipulations...so no contact is easier.

I am glad you are doing better and found yourself in this new truth i.e. that you are a orphan. I don't doubt you were.

So to you ! I am happy for you !

[Greg]

Thanks everyone!  Its hard to explain "life on the other side"
I think most people who go NC dont come back here, or at least many.  Theres no reason to, cause weve purged the poison and can now live happier lives.  Unless theres a death or something really major, theres just none of the "relapse triggery" feeling like during holidays and such.  BPD "mother" no longer has control, and its amazing.

Re:  NC opinion, thank you for sharing.  I saw your similar post in another thread too.

Do you have any regrets on going NC?  If so, what are they?

Zero. None. Zilch.  Not only do I not have regrets, but like the title mentions, its literally the best choice I ever made.  It freed me.

quote author=Riv3rW0lf link=topic=354847.msg13187422#msg13187422 date=1674430750]
Hi Greg !   

Always nice to hear positive outcomes for such a hard decision to make. I am one year "no contact" now, " " because it's been broken on and off by her emailing me and my grandmother's passing
 And by me answering I wasn't ready to see her yet but wished her well. And I did feel this way at the time.

I still struggle with guilt at times. Other times I mostly miss and wonder about my stepfather. I can't help but think the last time I saw him was the last time I would see him. And while I still stand by my decision, it still pains me when I think about the man. He taught me to drive, always was there when I needed help. I know he always loved me as his real daughter, never had any children himself...so anyway !

When I feel guilt, I try to remind myself part of him would be happy for me, to hear how peaceful and happy I have become away from BPD mother. I have discovered myself this past year. I do hope one day I can see them/her without being triggered back to this dark hole. And maybe I will...for now though, I feel I have to protect my children from my mother's emotional clingyness and manipulations...so no contact is easier.

I am glad you are doing better and found yourself in this new truth i.e. that you are a orphan. I don't doubt you were.

So to you ! I am happy for you !
[/quote]

Thank you . I feel for you and relate, there are some people in my (ancient) past I wanted to be in touch with.  But the further I get along in my healing journey the more I see that the people who want to remain in her orbit have their own issues.  And if they dont want to leave and heal, its just a drowning passenger trying to pull you down off that floating plank.  No thanks. 

The guilt feelings suck, but I found that goes away.  All you can do is offer help and freedom.  They have to decide to take it and leave (obviously this doesnt apply to minors and disabled people, some circumstances where you literally cant, thats different).  But you cant force people to save themselves.  Ive lost enough friends to drug and alcohol addiction to know that.

[Greg]

Thanks everyone!  Its hard to explain "life on the other side"
I think most people who go NC dont come back here, or at least many.  Theres no reason to, cause weve purged the poison and can now live happier lives.  Unless theres a death or something really major, theres just none of the "relapse triggery" feeling like during holidays and such.  BPD "mother" no longer has control, and its amazing.

Zero. None. Zilch.  Not only do I not have regrets, but like the title mentions, its literally the best choice I ever made.  It freed me.

Hi Greg !  

Always nice to hear positive outcomes for such a hard decision to make. I am one year "no contact" now, " " because it's been broken on and off by her emailing me and my grandmother's passing
 And by me answering I wasn't ready to see her yet but wished her well. And I did feel this way at the time.

I still struggle with guilt at times. Other times I mostly miss and wonder about my stepfather. I can't help but think the last time I saw him was the last time I would see him. And while I still stand by my decision, it still pains me when I think about the man. He taught me to drive, always was there when I needed help. I know he always loved me as his real daughter, never had any children himself...so anyway !

When I feel guilt, I try to remind myself part of him would be happy for me, to hear how peaceful and happy I have become away from BPD mother. I have discovered myself this past year. I do hope one day I can see them/her without being triggered back to this dark hole. And maybe I will...for now though, I feel I have to protect my children from my mother's emotional clingyness and manipulations...so no contact is easier.

I am glad you are doing better and found yourself in this new truth i.e. that you are a orphan. I don't doubt you were.

So to you ! I am happy for you !

Thank you . I feel for you and relate, there are some people in my (ancient) past I wanted to be in touch with.  But the further I get along in my healing journey the more I see that the people who want to remain in her orbit have their own issues.  And if they dont want to leave and heal, its just a drowning passenger trying to pull you down off that floating plank.  No thanks.  

The guilt feelings suck, but I found that goes away.  All you can do is offer help and freedom.  They have to decide to take it and leave (obviously this doesnt apply to minors and disabled people, some circumstances where you literally cant, thats different).  But you cant force people to save themselves.  Ive lost enough friends to drug and alcohol addiction to know that.
[/quote]

[Greg]

.